Nessie spotted! … in Minnesota

WTF is a Scottish mythical beast doing in Lake of the Isles??

This is messed up, people. The Loch Ness monster is alive and well and living in Minneapolis. A few years ago, I went to Inverness and saw no monster. Now, I know why. How on earth did he/she(/it?) get there?

Here’s my theory: Nessie can probably only survive for a limited amount of time on land, or there’d be more sightings of her in forests and such reported. Still, with her ancient wisdom, as well as her enormous size and generous length — and possible inchworm-like movement capabilities — she might be able to move rather quickly across land. As of yet, there are no rumors that Nessie can fly, so we’ll go with that. This big, long monster would have had to slither her way over northwest Scotland into the Scottish Sea of the Hebrides and veer north to avoid Ireland (or perhaps she stopped off for a pint of Guiness, who’s to say?). Then, there must have been a long trek over the Atlantic Ocean — hopefully she picked up the fabulous blue jewel dropped by the old lady at the end of “Titanic” — and an eventual, weary arrival somewhere between Labrador and Florida. Caribbean and Greenlandian detours are unlikely, unless this is all the result of an elaborate yaycation.

Once arriving in North America, thanks to the glaciers, Nessie must have had a fabulous selection of lakes to hop to and from, and really, it’s no surprise that she finally settled in Minnesota’s Lake of the Isles, where she’s nice and close to the city (optimal for terrorization), but no motors are allowed (no irritating speed boats to swat).

According to, she’s been there for quite some time now and you can actually follow her on Twitter. I don’t know how she’s getting reception out there — I think she must be stealing from that nearby church, which is a conspicuous, if somewhat innocuous act.

Open letter: Dear Nessie, what do you want? Is it Sebastian Joe’s ice cream? Do you have an evil plan? I understand that my mom’s friend Patty recently paddled out to you in her kayak and gave you a firm smack with her oar to see what you were made of, and you barely flinched. Are you going to let Patty live? What are your plans? And my biggest question of all, your majesty, is: do you know how freaking cold it’s about to get?

Write me here, Nessie. I’m waiting.