Recently, however, my luck changed. While attending a New York Mets baseball game at Citi Field with my father, I spotted something glorious. There, as I waited for a delicious Shack Shack hamburger, was a short man with tall hair. Hair that didn’t seem to actually belong to him. At first, I doubted its authenticity. What are the odds that I could be witnessing such a rare occurrence? However, as stared over my father’s shoulder at the man just a few feet away, I realized that I was witnessing history. There, but for the grace of God, walked a man in the Flair Hair Visor.
As I got closer to this live male specimen, I could see immediately that he had no sideburns and virtually no hair below the visor line. Is it possible that he shaved off all of the hair on the sides and back of his head and left only a thick, luxurious and spiked mane flowing on his crest? In theory, yes. However, there is no way that the hair poking through the visor like a crowning newborn was real. It was unaffected by the slight breeze coming off of Flushing Bay. It appeared to have no product in it yet remained stationary at all times. This hair wasn’t cemented in place with a Pauly D amount of paste. No, this hair was simply fake. And it was attached to his visor.
What would compel a man to don a visor with an artificial head of bleached blond spiked hair? Was he attempting to attract a mate? Overcompensating for his male pattern baldness and inability to grow taller than 5’8″? Or, did he simply think that wearing a visor with Guy Fieri’s hair attached would just plain make him hip?
It’s worth noting that it was an incredibly hot day with not a single cloud in the sky. Under the intense August sun, many sunburns were acquired that day. As a bald man, I can attest to the fact that protecting one’s scalp from UV rays is as important as protecting your backside in prison. Visors are notoriously useless when it comes to head protection because of their one major design flaw: a complete and total lack of a top. So, while they keep the sun out of your face, visors do nothing to keep your scalp covered. Perhaps this man had no other hat to wear to the game. Maybe, just maybe, he knew that no harmful, cancer-causing rays could possibly permeate a layer of synthetic hair that voluminous. If this is the case, he was wisely managing his long-term health. For that, we must commend him.
As I researched this piece, I arrived at the disheartening conclusion that the Flair Hair Visor is no longer offered in the SkyMall catalog. It is a relic of a bygone era of air commerce that I will always remember fondly. While it is still sold on the Flair Hair website, its days of be availability in our seatbacks at 35,000 feet have gone the way of the dinosaur.
We’ll never know whether this man purchased his Flair Hair Visor from SkyMall, the manufacturer’s website or a third-party vendor. Similarly, his motivations for wearing the bleached wig will always allude us. But, we can all sleep soundly and shop SkyMall confidently knowing that we are not alone. There are others like us. People who spend their hard-earned money wisely. People who care about their appearance. People with a good old-fashioned sense of whimsy.
We salute you, Flair Hair Visor man. Keep living the dream.
Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.