As if rock-climbing walls, ice-skating, the Blue Man Group, water-coasters that zoom around the deck and giant TV screens that allow Movies Under The Stars is not enough, cruise lines are pumping up the entertainment options even more. Look for these new, exciting and highly-demanded options on ships coming up soon.
- Pole Dancing Lessons– Cunard Line recently announced the addition of the Madame Busty Russell School of Pole Dancing as an on board enrichment programe to be rolled out fleet-wide in 2012. “Cunard and Busty go back to when time began as do most of our passengers” said Carole Marlow, who recently left the line to head up P&O Cruises in the UK. “This is my baby and I want credit for it” she added, noting “This will get those old geezers blood flowing!”
- New York Strip Clubs– No, it’s not a new steakhouse but passengers aboard Princess Cruises new Ravishing Princess, due to set sail in 2015 are going to have an eye full of entertainment options in the Bordello District, a new adult entertainment, gambling and dining mecca that spans 5 decks. The brain-child of former Love Boat captain Gavin Macleoud, the complex will house adult-oriented venues that include La Pasties, a 24-hour live 3-D showcase for talented crew members who will work dual roles on the ship. Like that cabin steward of yours? Pay attention, you just might see her/him Au naturale later in the sailing. “Who doesn’t like a little romance?” Macleoud said “So what if you have to pay for it!”
- Outlet Malls– You just new it had to happen. Joining with Sam’s Club and Costco, Holland America Line will be featuring no less than 125 signature stores on each ship in the fleet. The plan is to build giant barges to drag behind the existing fleet housing row upon row of glamorous shops featuring duty-free shopping and free delivery to your stateroom. When asked if they thought pulling barges estimated to weigh 234 tons would slow down the ships, Holland America issued a statement explaining “We think it will be worth the delay” and “we can’t go very fast anyway, our guests get dizzy”
- 24-hour Fried Food Buffets I guess not everybody is happy with the new healthy lifestyle focus on most cruise lines and Carnival Cruise Lines is going to be the first to add Totinos 24-hour Fried Food Buffets as standard fare, included in the price of your cruise vacation. Carnival boss Gary Cahill explained “Hey, we give ’em what they want” adding “What says “We love families” more than fried food?”
- Helicopter Rides Again, Carnival Cruise Line is in the lead here too adding a top-deck helipad that guests can buy rides on. “Well, with the 24-hour Fried Food Buffets already proving to be popular with guests on test ships, we figured we will be doing a lot of emergency evacuations anyway so why not just let each ship have their own chopper” said Carnival Corporation’s Mickey Arison adding “It’s the only thing I don’t already have a fleet of.”
- Actual Mountains to climb– Leave it to innovative Royal Caribbean International to better themselves. Here’s the plan: As ships go through the dry dock process, an annual refurbishing to take care of things that just can’t be done at sea, the plan is to remove the upper-most decks and bring in tons of dirt and rock to build actual mountains. “I told them, let’s just scrape all that crap off the top deck and make a REAL mountain to climb” said CEO Richard Fain.
- Elvis!– the King of Rock and Roll is back and this is no impersonator. Norwegian Cruise Lines is taking their wildly-popular Legends In Concert show a step further. Through the modern technology of cloning, NCL entertainment managers have dug up just enough of the King to make an exact replica, right down to the drug addiction and glamorous overeating skills. “Let’s call it Freestyle Science” said CEO Kevin Sheehan adding “..you want to see real innovation? I’ve got your real innovation right here!” Overheard at a Disney Cruise Line board meeting “Is is it time to thaw out Walt then?”
- Starship of the Seas- The cat is out of the bag and that big secret ship Royal Caribbean has been touting us with has been revealed. In a joint venture with Virgin’s Sir Richard Branson, Royal Caribbean International and the United Space Workers Union, Royal Caribbean will build the first cruise ship capable of intergalactic travel. “We have great respect for the knowledge and experience the displaced NASA Space Shuttle workers have and are proud to bring them into the family” said Richard Fain, CEO of Royal Caribbean International.
- Family Mind Alterations– Top family-oriented Disney Cruise Line, will go deep into the minds of family members with custom-designed children. Sound confusing? Here’s how it works: When vacation planning time comes around, parents choose who they want their children to be. “Got a mouthy kid who needs to tone it down?” Pluto asks in an online video, “select from your choice of options and we do the rest”. Parents drop their kids off at “Mickey’s Funhouse” on the first night of the cruise. At the end of their childless cruise they pick up their newly brainwashed, physically and chemically altered children (called “Refreshed and Ready!”) who now look and sound exactly as they wished. It’s a dream come true as only Disney can do. Now that’s entertainment.
- Titanic: It’s just a ride– We don’t have a lot of details on this one but it’s something coming from new Adventure Wilderness Cruises to spice up their Alaska sailings. Simply put, without letting out all the exciting details, the plan is to visit Glacier Bay, get way back, far from a huge glacier then floor it, smashing the ship head first into a huge hunk of ice. What happens next is top secret but said to be “mind blowing entertainment” and “the ride of a lifetime” by test passengers, just before they slipped into a coma. One adventure-oriented guest noted “Dude, that was gnarly”