Over on Reddit earlier this month, there was a fascinating and hysterical story written by someone who was on an airplane with two seemingly horrible passengers. In fact, he ended up seated directly in between them [Note: The photo to the right is not the author of the Reddit post]. It seems that a mother (on crutches, mind you) boarded the plane with her young son. Rather than move their seats so that the mother and child could sit together, these two women argued that they have “flying issues” and needed to remain in their assigned seats. It turns out that they are sisters and, according to the Reddit user, are quite curmudgeonly. In fact, when he tried to assist with the situation, he was tersely told to mind his own business. After takeoff, the Reddit user and the woman seated next to him traded their seats with the mother and child. Now, however, our intrepid storyteller is smack dab in the middle of the two women who started this whole kerfuffle. Which leads us to his query: “What can i do to make their flight as akward as possible” [sic] We feel compelled to chime in. What exactly are the five best ways to annoy your airplane seatmate?5. Total armrest domination
It actually appears as if the Reddit user has already employed this classic maneuver. We’ve covered middle seat etiquette before and don’t believe that he’s doing anything wrong by controlling both armrests. It’s his birthright. But that doesn’t make it any less annoying to the ladies on either side of him.
4. The art of conversation
It’s time to get chatty. Discuss the weather. Talk about the reason for your trip. Ask your neighbors if they think the rash on your lower back looks abnormal. Whatever you do, keep talking. Are they ignoring you by working on their computers or reading newspapers? Don’t let that stop you. Keep chatting away, even if no one is listening.
3. Something smells fishy
Who doesn’t like tuna fish sandwiches? Everyone seated around you on the plane, that’s who. If you really want to bother your seatmates, eat something offensive. With fewer airlines offering free meals, you will need to plan ahead and pack that anchovy and bleu cheese sandwich yourself.
2. Bathroom breaks
Ask the flight attendant for extra water. After all, you need to stay hydrated on planes. Sadly, though, you can never really own water. You just kind of rent it. Asking to use the bathroom once on a flight is expected. Getting up twice isn’t too far-fetched. After your sixth trip to the head, however, you’re seatmate will be ready to stand up and scream. Which is helpful, since you’ll be able to get into the aisle again for your seventh bathroom run.
There may be nothing worse than traveling next to a sick passenger. Feel free to get creative in how you portray your illness. You can go with the common cold and simply sneeze every 1-3 minutes. The sore throat is a classic and allows you to go with the excruciatingly annoying consistent throat clearing maneuver. To get the most bang for your buck, however, you’ll want to go full vomit. Work up to it, though. Start by talking about how you feel nauseous. No one likes hearing about a stranger’s stomach issues. Go to the bathroom with an excessive sense of urgency. Place your hand over your mouth, on your stomach, or on your buttocks. Covertly fake some gurgling noises. Now, depending on how committed you are to this, you can go all in. Vomit into the airsickness bag (either for real or sneakily dump some airport Sbarro’s lasagna in there). Do not miss the bag. Remember that you’re trying to annoy the passengers, not create extra work for the flight crew.
What did we miss? Surely there are more ways to annoy your seatmates. Let us know in the comments. We sure hope that the Reddit user came up with something good. Oh, and the next time you have the chance to help a passenger by switching seats or assisting them with a bag, just do it. It makes the world – or at least your flight – a better place.