SkyMall Monday: Super-Sized David Statue

gadling skymall monday super-size david fatI don’t profess to “get” art. Show me cherubs and I just see a bunch of babies that could use some diapers. A painting of a horse? I’m going to assume that the artist really admired those equine thighs because I do not see any deeper meaning to that portrait. Here at SkyMall Monday, we have one piece of art, and it’s simple enough for me to understand (Calvin, on the other hand, is a member of the family and not an object). So, when I see Michelangelo’s David, I just see a dude with great abs who likes to hang around the locker room naked. Man, don’t you hate that guy? Put a towel on, buddy! Not only that, the statue hardly seems realistic in 2012. Who has time to develop great abs other than half-baked reality TV stars? We need art that reflects the people of today (or at least the People of Walmart). Thankfully, SkyMall is here to help us stay sophisticated with an update of Michelangelo’s classic work. Feast your eyes on the Super-sized David Statue.This modern sculpture looks like someone you might actually know. Maybe it resembles a co-worker or perhaps even your husband. Modern David is a man of the people. He enjoys macaroni and cheese inside of his patty melts. He’s just like us…except with an intense hatred of pants.

Think that David was a masterpiece that needn’t be updated? Believe that gluttony should not be celebrated? Well, while you paint by numbers, we’ll be reading the product description:

Classic art is busting out at the seams! If Michelangelo’s famous David was resculpted today by someone who’d recently been to a fast food joint, he just might have conjured up this super-sized fellow!

Hand-cast in quality designer resin, complete with modesty fig leaf for display in home or garden…

If only ancient Rome was blessed with a few more Friendly’s locations, the original David might not have needed to be plumped up for modern times. Thankfully, the “modesty fig leaf” allows you to display this statue inside or outside without offending guests or neighbors. However, we kind of think that his junk should have been covered by a greasy Taco Bell wrapper.

You don’t need to be an art history major to understand this modern man. Finally, art that doesn’t make us feel dumb or inadequate. It just makes us feel thinner when we stand next to it.

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.