Five ways to join the mile-high club around the world

by Tom Johansmeyer on

Generally, it’s best to avoid an airline lavatory for any reason. It’s cramped, smelly and generally not a pleasant place to be. If you’re planning to use the lav for something other than its stated purpose, you’re going to need to brace yourself. Unfortunately, it really is the best environment on the plane for joining the mile-high club (for those of you not in the know, that means having sex on a plane).

You could always try to do it in your seat, but you’ll need a fairly empty flight. Also, your options will be limited, even compared to the lav.

Fortunately, there appears to be a better way. If you want to join this unique, exclusive club without risking an angry speech from a safety-focused flight attendant, take a look at the options below. You can attain your newest “status” at a fairly reasonable price in some cases – and have a memory to savor.1. Mile High Atlanta: if you’re not in Atlanta, it’s pretty easy to get there. After all, it is home to the busiest airport in the country. So, catch a flight to this city, and trade your airline seat for a jaunt with Mile High Atlanta. It costs only $379 per couple for an hour-long flight in a Piper Cherokee Six … “designed exclusively for this purpose. And yes, there is a bed.

Good to know: “Our pilot is VERY discreet and all flights are handled with the UTMOST confidentiality.”

2. Exstacy Air: Based in St. Clair County, Michigan, this service will bring you up above the clouds so you can have your moment of bliss. For $375, you and your cohort – unless you’re logging solo hours – will get an hour in the sky, a bottle of champagne and a set of mile-high wings (that you’ll doubtless earn).

Unique feature: You can keep your sheets as a souvenir!

3. Chicago Mile High Club: this service offers “you and your loved one the exclusive use of our 20 passenger airliner so that you can become mile-high club members, with all of the safety and privacy that comes with having a large twin-engine turboprop airliner all to yourselves.” But, this sort of service is pricey: $999 an hour, and you have to make reservations at least a week in advance.

Selling point: The cabin is more than 20 feet long, six feet wide and 5 ½ feet tall. Break out your copy of the Kama Sutra!

4. Mile High Flights: earn your international wings with this UK service, which includes champagne, “stunning views” and whatever other fun you can concoct! Several options are available, with products named “The Big One (£640) and “The VIP” (£930).

Mortgage your orgasm: Flexible payment options are available for those who don’t want to wind up spent right away.

5. The ol’ fashioned way: look both ways, and move casually toward the lavatory, preferably while the flight attendants are working the beverage cart. Step out with your hair askew and a fantastically broad smile on your face.

Multiple benefits: No, not that kind – I’m referring to the fact that this flight will also take you to your destination, rather than cart you around on a “sightseeing” experience. You may also pick up some frequent flier miles.

[photo by rick via Flickr]

Christmas list: five things I want from the airlines

by Tom Johansmeyer on

‘Tis the season, right? Regardless of beliefs, we’re all secretly wishing for something, even if we’re not hoping for a big fat guy to slide down a slim chimney to deliver it. And, I don’t think I’m unusual in having my own list of wishes. I’m not so naïve as to think the airline industry will turn my Christmas list into its New Year’s resolutions, but I can always dare to dream!

So, here it is – air travel industry, take note. I want five things I want for Christmas.

1. Name change: stop calling me a passenger, and start calling me a customer. I know, I know … I’ve asked for this before. Pay attention: I’m still asking for it. Without me – and a lot of people like me – you wouldn’t have had such a fantastically profitable year in 2010. Don’t get me wrong: I’m not begrudging you the profits. In fact, I want you to be profitable (I am a capitalist after all). Just show me that you realize I’m the guy spending, and extend this courtesy to everyone else who does.

2. Be realistic: I know there are some things you can’t control, such as weather and the TSA. But, there are plenty of ways you can improve. Take a long, hard look at your operations, and make some tough decisions. It’s not easy to admit your shortcomings, but in the end, doing so will benefit everybody (even you).
3. Add a clause: every frequent traveler has heard it said by a flight attendant: “Our primary job is safety.” We know this … good god, do we know this. I’m asking for a simple statement to be appended to that: “but we’re also committed to service.” Now, put it all together:

“Our primary job is safety, but we’re also committed to service.”

That sounds incredible. I could definitely get on board with that kind of thinking. And what does it cost the average flight attendant? Six extra words. The whole thing could be pushed out on Twitter, with plenty of room for hashtags and retweetin!

4. Leg room: okay, I know I’m getting greedy on this one, but I’d really love a little more. I’m not a tall guy, and I still feel cramped.

5. More a la carte pricing: maybe I’m the only guy out there who’s a fan of getting nickel and dimed … but I like choosing which nickels and dimes. I’d much rather pay only for what I use. Let the other guy pay for his own damned sandwich.

[photo by morberg via Flickr]

Extra airline fees could mean better service! This is the FUTURE

by Tom Johansmeyer on

Soon, airlines could make all their profits on the extra fees you pay. Seriously. Yesterday, the Department of Transportation revealed that airlines have had their most profitable year since it started tracking the data back in 2002. And, a good chunk of revenue came from baggage fees, reservation change fees and ancillary fees. In the third quarter alone, it was good for more than $2 billion. So, the foundation is in place. All the airlines need to do is build on it.

And, it looks like some are trying to do that.

According to MSNBC, US Airways President Scott Kirby said that baggage fees and ancillary fees could add up to 100 percent of the airlines profits this year. We’re not talking about some future development, here. This is now. We’ve been talking for a while about how airlines are coming to rely on these fees. Last year, it was an issue of surviving the recession; this year, it’s been about driving profits. Regardless of prevailing economic conditions, it’s clear these fees aren’t going anywhere. It would stand to reason, therefore, that they’d become a larger part of airlines’ profits over time.

But, 100 percent? How would that work? Let’s take a look.First, think about the trend in reduced amenities, putting aside the weird stuff you read about this morning. Food isn’t free, and you’re paying for bags and premium coach seating (think exit row and bulkhead). This lowers airline costs on an available seat mile basis.

Now, what does it mean to lower costs? Well, it provides the elbow room to compete more effectively on fares – translation: cheaper tickets. So, in theory at least, this puts more butts in seats. The lower cost, however, erodes profit per available seat mile, because there isn’t as much revenue assigned to it.

This is where the fees come in.

If all you buy is a seat, you score! You’ll have the chance to get it for less than you would have paid otherwise. If you’re the kind of person who goes to the movies and sneaks in your own snacks, you’re all set. But, the minute you need something else, you’re going to have to pay. This is where the airlines can make their profits. Essentially, getting you into a seat becomes a marketing opportunity for everything you sell. Going back to the movie theater example, it’s equivalent to the previews you see that implore you to go out to the lobby and grab some popcorn. And, they can pump up the prices on food, liquor, bag-checking and so on to make up what they’re effectively giving away on a break-even seat.

Of course, this is a bit oversimplified, but you get the idea. The future of airlines may be to turn a cheap seat into an opportunity to up-sell you on everything else. Frankly, it isn’t a bad idea. In addition to making tickets cheaper, the flight attendants will need to sell in order to help the airline turn a profit. Sales without service is usually a fool’s errand, so a shift in strategy of this sort will lead to better passenger treatment. Maybe we’ll actually be treated like customers!

All these extra fees may not be such a bad idea after all. The airlines don’t realize this, but if they make all their money on the amenities, they’ll actually have to deliver an enjoyable experience.

Let’s pay less to pay extra and be treated like human beings in the process.

[photo by Augapfel via Flickr]

The 10 easiest ways to improve air travel this holiday season

by Tom Johansmeyer on

It’s time for you to drag your screaming kids, annoying spouse and endless amounts of overstuffed bags through the airport, as you find your way over the river and through the woods. Thanksgiving is behind us, and that’s the really ugly time to travel, but Christmas is no picnic either. The gate areas and bars will be crowded, and it’s going to be awfully hard for you to be happy while darting from Point A to Point B.

How nice it would be if we could all follow some fairly specific rules designed to keep each other from blowing up – and make all our travel experiences far more efficient. Just under a week after I started at Gadling, two years ago, I wrote six ways to “[m]ake your flight (and mine) easier this holiday season.” As we approach Christmas, this list is definitely worth another look.

In the 700+ days since writing that post, I’ve done more flying and more travel writing. Consequently, I’ve accumulated a bit more knowledge … and a handful of additional pet peeves. A lot has changed since late 2008. The global financial crisis, originally putting severe pressure on the travel market, has given way to something of a recovery, forcing airlines and online travel agents to compete head to head for your business. And, even though ticket prices are up 13 percent year over year, they are still far below peak levels — and may be at their lowest in 15 years. In some environments, pricing is even flat year over year.

So, it makes sense to revisit this issue. Below, you’ll find 10 ways to make holiday travel a lot better for everyone:

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1. Know what you’re getting into: be ready for poor service, big crowds and unreasonable people (from passengers to crew members). It is what it is. Lamenting the social injustices committed will get you nowhere, and you’ll become the barrier to progress that you so despise already.

2. Pay the damned extra baggage fee: the overhead bins will be full. Even though airlines are adding capacity as the travel market recovers, they’re not being generous. So, be realistic about the size of the bags you try to cram overhead or under seat – and expect the rest of the people on the plane to have the same overhead plan. If everyone were more realistic from the start, flying would be much, much easier.

3. Bring stuff to keep the kids busy: don’t expect young children to be reasonable – they’re young children. I have enough trouble staying reasonable, and by all chronological measures, I’ve been an adult for a while. If you have kids, it is your job to entertain them (or help them entertain themselves). It may take a village, but you left that at home.

The problem with people today is they have to be entertained 24/7. That’s why they’re at their worst on the airplane.less than a minute ago via webHeather_Poole
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Also, check this out from a couple of years ago:

Forget every rule of good parenting. Sometimes, you need to let your kid cry to learn a lesson. Here’s the problem: we don’t need to learn that lesson, too. Do what it takes to keep your kid under control. If that means coloring books, candy or … dare I say it … active parenting, do it. Do what it takes. Your round trip involves two days of your kid’s childhood. Whatever you do for the sake of expediency will not make a lasting impression.

4. Pay attention to the flight attendants (for a change): look, do you want to be responsible for creating the next Steven Slater? Of course not. Even if you are forced to deal with unreasonable requests demands from them – not to mention horrid customer service – it’s a lot easier just to play ball. Save your fights for truth, justice and the American way for a flying season that isn’t insanely busy. In the end, doing battle with a nutty flight attendant is only going to keep you from getting to your destination and away from the plane as soon as possible, so it makes sense to sacrifice your principles.

Add to this my advice from a while back:

Know when to quit. We all love to scream at airline employees, and we know they are lying to us. When they say that weather caused the problem on a sunny day, when they say that there are no more exit row seats, when they say the flight is overbooked … we just know it’s bullshit. So, we fight. Sometimes, it works. Appeasement in the form of flight vouchers, hotel stays and free meals sometimes flow. But, at a certain point, you need to know when to stop. If you’re on a full flight of people with super-triple-platinum status (and you’re not), don’t expect to get a damned thing. Accept that you will lose.

Fighting the good fight is okay, but at a certain point, you lose the crowd’s sympathy. Be aware that people who look like serial killers don’t often get what they want (or need).

5. Keep your mouth shut: don’t share your life story with gate agents, TSA employees or anyone else. Nobody cares. Even if you do forge a momentary connection, it will have evaporated by the time you’re stuffing a stale Nathan’s hotdog into your once-talking mouth.

6. Step into the damned body scanner: the whole “opt-out” thing didn’t work right before Thanksgiving. So, it’s time to give up on this. You’ll live. There were no reports of people growing extra heads because they went through the body scanners a month ago. And, the odds do seem awfully low that your pictures will wind up on some strange airline-fetish porn site.

Seriously, just deal. Okay?

7. Be smart at the security checkpoint: this is an important one, because it’s so easy to cause the line to back up. I’m just going to plug in my suggestions from Christmas 2008:

Don’t prepare for the security stop when you’ve already bellied up to the X-ray machine. While you’re in line, do the following:

1. Pull your laptop out of your bag (if you have one)
2. Take your ID (license or passport) out of your pocket, bag, etc.; hold it with your boarding pass
3. Empty your pockets into your carry-on; do the same with your watch, cell phone and any heavy jewelry
4. Remove your shoes, and carry them on top of your laptop
5. Repeat #4 with your coat and hat

Now, you have a stack of personal belongings on top of your laptop. Carry them like you did your books back in grade school. You can drop the laptop into one bin for the X-ray machine, pick up the clothing and drop them in the next bin. It’s fast. It’s easy. It doesn’t leave you screwing around while people are waiting.

8. Look at the rules in advance: know what you can get through airport security and what you’ll have to check or leave behind. We’re in the internet age, so it’s not like you need to fax a request to the TSA or drive to the airport to scope out the signs. And, I’ll even make it easy for you: here’s the TSA list of prohibited items.

9. BYOB on the plane: whether it’s burgers or booze, take care of it ahead of time. Make your purchases at the food court or pack them at home. If you don’t be ready for whatever is being served on the plane. Have the appropriate form of payment ready. Keep in mind that airline food tends not to be terribly healthy, so if you want to keep your arteries clear (or clog them even more aggressively), take control of your culinary future.

10. Stay flexible: some situations will be within your control, but many will not. Understand what you can change and what you’ll have to live with, and the process will get a lot easier for you.

[photo by The Consumerist via Flickr]

Former flight attendant feels overwhelmed and tubby

by Tom Johansmeyer on

During a visit at the Queens Criminal Court to report on his substance abuse treatment progress, former JetBlue flight attendant Steven Slater said, “I am a little overwhelmed.” He added, “I’m trying to stay focused and organized and keeping my priorities straight,” according to the NY Post.

The former flight attendant was ordered into counseling as part of a plea agreement to two counts of criminal mischief. He also lost his job and has agreed to pay JetBlue $10,000 to replace the chute he used to slide to freedom after an altercation with a passenger. There’s been no indication of whether he has to reimburse the airline for the Blue Moon beer he took with him.

The judge advised that Slater not “get worn out with all your activities” and suggested that he “have a good holiday season.”

Outside the courthouse, a photographer paid Slater a compliment on his appearance, but the latter didn’t agree, saying, “I need to lose 25 pounds.”