Video of the Day: Don’t use baby leashes

by Mike Barish on

Sigh, baby leashes. How demoralizing. We have strollers and Baby Björns and, hell, arms with which we can carry our children and children with their own healthy legs who can walk on their own while we, as responsible adults, observe them with our eyes and keep them close with verbal cues and instructions. Despite all of this, people continue to harness their children like some sort of pet capybara. We understand that you want to keep an eye on your kids – and we know that traveling with kids is far from easy – but isn’t there a better way?

Nannies are an expensive luxury and you’re certainly not always going to have a babysitter with you when you’re on a trip. But is it so hard to just monitor your own kids? Maybe hold their hands or something? Look, we can’t tell you how to raise your kids, so, if you’re going to use a baby leash, could you do us a solid and make sure that you’re not tugging the child backwards in an intersection? Thanks.

SkyMall Monday: Walk-O-Long

by Mike Barish on

Shockingly, I do not have any children…that I know of. Sure, they’re cute and cuddly and can fetch you a beer when you don’t want to step away from the television. But, in these modern times, they’re also coddled, spoiled and, quite frankly, a tad too cocky. Now that they can control their own nosebleeds and traverse even the most demanding terrains, there’s just no stopping their egos from growing beyond our control. Children used to be humble and obedient. Today, they text their parents with demands for Super Sweet Sixteens. We’ve lost control of our children (well, your children). That’s why I’ve decided that the time has come for adults to once again assert our dominance. For those of us with drivers licenses, voting rights and porn purchasing power to rise up, stand tall and crush those sniveling rugrats once and for all. Since this is a new problem that I just realized we have, there is clearly only one source that could possibly provide us with the necessary assistance. I am referring, of course, to SkyMall. But how can SkyMall help us destroy the spirits of countless children? It is but a catalog of fantastical goods. Well, did you know that SkyMall sells the single greatest product for psychological warfare against children? Oh, yes, my adult comrades, it is true. I give you the Walk-O-Long.

How does it work, you ask? You’re just chock full of questions today, aren’t you? You see, the Walk-O-Long is a foam and nylon leash that connects to a harness that you strap onto your child. Watch from a convenient-and forced-close proximity as your child’s self-esteem, freedom and imagination slowly whither away. With their ability to run free and believe in their self-worth sufficiently destroyed, children will cede control and adults will finally return to power.

Not sure that the Walk-O-Long is up to the task? Lest you doubt my selection of this child-destroyer, I’m happy to share this information from the product description:

Made of super strong flat nylon webbing used by firefighters with built-in comfy handles to fit every adult grip.

It fits every adult grip! That includes both kung-fu and Super Poli!

So, are you with me? Will you join the resistance? Then put on your camouflage underpants, pack a lunch and purchase the Walk-O-Long. It’s about time children stopped being treasured and started being tethered.

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.