SkyMall is nothing if not an unabashed supporter of love. We’ve covered their romantically practical Double Umbrella in the past. But since we wrote about that that firm love device, the catalog has stopped carrying it (heresy!). How are lovers supposed to proclaim their feelings to the world through SkyMall products without a Double Umbrella? Well, SkyMall Monday is pleased to announce that there is a new product that you and your lover can use to nauseate the world. It also gives me an excuse to use the word ‘lover’ as many times as possible. I’m not talking about the Siamese Slanket, which is as inconvenient as it is dangerous. I mean, what happens when one of you farts? It’s the Dutchiest of ovens! No, I’m referring to a product far more romantic than that. Not only will lovers be able to show the world their commitment to one another, they will also be able to keep no less than one hand each warm and toasty. That’s because, from now on, when lovers hold hands and stroll through a park, they’ll be able to do so with their entangled hands ensconced in a shared hand garment. Ladies and gentlemen, friends and lovers, feast your eyes on Smittens.We’ve all held hands with someone before (right?). It’s clammy, confusing (should we interlock our fingers?) and dangerous without protection. Now, we can cover our hands while still proclaiming our purest of intentions for that special someone. Sure, it will be hard to dodge people on the sidewalk and, should you choose to go on opposite directions, there’s serious potential for dislocated shoulders, but those are mere trifles that love can surely overcome.
Don’t think that lovers should be attached at the hand? Are you more of a glove man? I bet you do that gross finger on the palm thing when you shake someone’s hand, perv. This is the future of love and only SkyMall truly understands that:
Now you can stay warmer and closer to a loved one by holding hands inside a single oversized mitten! Perfect for romantic walks or watching sports together on a cold day. One set of Smittens includes one Smitten, one larger mitten and one smaller mitten. One size fits most.
Ah yes, men love going to sporting events and showing the world how romantic they are. If only they made foam fingers for two. And, since no one loves big-handed women, there’s clearly no need to include two larger mittens. No, I’m sure only petite women will be able to convince their larger,
whipped sensitive boyfriends to share a Smitten with them.
Love is a many-splendored thing (I just made that up). But it’s also a one Smittened thing. Put your gloves, mittens and cuffs away. They are soulless devices devoid of love and feeling. If you can share your heart with someone, you can share your Smitten. That’s what lovers do.
awfulness goodness can be found on the company’s official website that was clearly built by someone with a still active GeoCities account.
Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.