SkyMall Monday: FaceTrainer

by Mike Barish on

Growing older means adjusting to change. Change in your interests, change in your appearance and change in your ability to digest dairy without eye-burning flatulence. While people may enjoy the first and torture their spouses with the third, it’s the second that causes people much consternation. People try to hide the affects of aging using everything from creams to salves to balms to ointments to lotions. But what everyone forgets is that only one thing can truly help you turn back the clock. No, I’m not talking about eating babies to absorb their youthful souls. That only helps with spider veins. In order to make your face look like it did when you were a teenager (minus the embarrassing acne and nose that was too big for your head), you need to turn to SkyMall. This week, SkyMall Monday is here to give us all that youthful appearance that we all long to recapture. Forget about all of those placenta treatments and bird poop facials. It’s time that you restored your face to its former glory by shoving it into the Face Trainer.FaceTrainer is made by the good people at no!no! Why would you name your company no!no!? Probably because you sell rape whistles. But no!no! sells skin care products. So, you know, we’re not going to focus on the name. We prefer to focus on results. And what’s better than facial muscle resistance training in an unobtrusive mask?

Would you rather grow old gracefully or pump your face full of botulism? You’re simply going to be a liver-spotted old hag with an inability to emote. But you don’t have to take my word for it. You never do so why start now? Take a look at the product description and your face will begin to tighten up immediately:

Get a natural looking lift and look years younger with FaceTrainer, the only fitness device that applies the proven principals of resistance training to facial muscles. With just 10 minutes a day in the privacy of your own home, you can tighten sagging skin and ease the signs of aging. Clear, easy to follow illustrated and video instructions take you step-by-step through the exercises for the ultimate workout.

By now, you’re surely itching to watch these aforementioned instructional videos. Well, I’m sure you have work to do right now, but if you really want to watch people do facial exercises while inside a bondage costume, then don’t let me stop you. Just click here and keep some tissues and lotion close by.

You can continue to trip over your jowls or you can strap on the FaceTrainer and experience a “71% reduction in sagging.” The remaining 29% of sagging will just allow you to keep food crumbs stashed in the folds of your skin for when you get hungry in the middle of a movie.

Don’t just sit around growing old and waiting to die. Run away from death’s cold, icy grip by continuing to look young and virile. Strap on the FaceTrainer and unleash your inner child.

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.

Air Repair for your travel-weary skin

by Annie Scott on

Air Repair Skincare is a relatively new collection of TSA-friendly products for men and women developed by Denise Spanek, a skincare expert with 25 years of experience in the beauty industry. I was lucky enough to receive a set of the products to try, including Rescue Balm (lip balm and hand salve), Facial Mist, Facial Cleansing Milk, Eye Cream and Beauty Balm (face lotion). I took them from NYC to the UK and Austria — there they are in my plastic baggie atop my un-unpacked suitcase — in lieu of any of my usual products.

My Face

For the sake of context: I have pretty good skin. I moisturize daily and use eye cream regularly. Facialists tend to tell me I have an oily T-Zone and dry cheeks (and try to sell me two different lines of products, as if.), but even with combination skin, I rarely get acne. I do, however, come off of most airplanes with clogged pores, which sometimes result in dreaded pimples. I don’t always travel with shampoo, but you’d never catch me without concealer.

The Experiment

To try out the Air Repair collection, I began on the morning of my flight to London by using the Beauty Balm (a “Complexion-Boosting Moisturizer with Hyaluronic Acid”) and Super-Hydrating Eye Cream. The Eye Cream went on smoothly and delivered a mild firming sensation. The Beauty Balm scared me at first; I thought the formula was too thick for the oily parts of my skin, but it turned out it’s just highly condensed (so the 2 fl oz tube lasts a long time), and when I massaged it into my skin, it was surprisingly light and natural. Neither had a scent. A+ so far.When I was on the plane, I started to get oily/dry as usual. I headed to the lav and reapplied the Eye Cream and the Beauty Balm. They felt fantastic, like a tall drink of water for my skin. I also applied the Rescue Balm to my lips. Unfortunately, it had a strong taste and odor somewhere in the family of Carmex (but different, more herbal/medicinal and less pungent), and I could taste it for quite some time. That part was less than pleasant, but it definitely softened my lips.

When I arrived in London, I reapplied. My skin felt pretty great, I have to say. During my layover (waiting for a flight to Manchester), I spritzed my face with Complexion Quenching Facial Mist. It felt nice — and was definitely part toner. The cool astringent feeling was very refreshing.

I eventually arrived at my final destination (Liverpool), and in the shower I tried the Soothing Facial Cleansing Milk with Chamomile and Arnica Extracts. I wasn’t sure my skin felt completely clean, but it felt soft.

Results

Throughout my various ensuing travels, I continued using just the Air Repair Skincare products. I’m now home, two weeks, seven flights and four train rides later, and pimple-free. I had just one blemish during the trip — but it was right at the beginning, meaning it was probably on its way before I started using the products.

Conclusion

On the whole, I give the collection a B+. The Beauty Balm and Eye Cream are phenomenal, and I will continue using them, even at home. They’re unscented and worked well on both the dry and oily parts of my skin. I’d recommend them for men and women. The Facial Mist is also an A-grade spray. The Cleansing Milk I’m torn about — it didn’t give me a clean feeling, but I didn’t break out, so it must have cleaned my skin as much as it needed to be cleaned. I did find myself exfoliating a little with the hotel towels, just to make sure it was getting into my pores. I give the Cleansing Milk a B. The Rescue Balm for lips worked, but tasted terrible. With my regrets, I have to give that a D+, which really pulls down the average — but there are a lot of better balms out there. I recommend Kiehls Lip Balm #1 with SPF 4 or CO Bigelow’s Mentha Lip Shine/Breath Freshener (mint balm that actually freshens your breath while you moisturize).

The whole Air Repair Kit is just $65, which is an absolute steal. If you just want the Beauty Balm ($28) and the Eye Cream ($29), which I highly recommend and will keep using myself, you can purchase them individually here and here. The Facial Mist is $12, so if you want that, too, it’s actually cheaper to get the whole kit.