SkyMall Monday: Night Sweat Alarm

I love sleeping. After a long night of testing fabulous SkyMall products, I like to retire to the SkyMall Monday domestic headquarters, curl up with the catalog and fall asleep with my best buddy. I sleep like a log. But, not everyone is so lucky. Some people are startled awake every night by an awful sensation. It happens involuntarily. It’s embarrassing. It’s damp. They wet the bed…with their sweat. Night sweats are no laughing matter. Every year, zero people die of night sweats. Together, we can reduce that number.* In order to survive night sweats, the victim must be made aware of this dangerous situation before it’s too late. Now, thanks to one very special invention, people can be made aware the moment that night sweats strike. Now, we have the Night Sweat Alarm.

The Night Sweat Alarm detects persperation and wakes you up so that you can deal with your night sweats immediately instead of in the morning when you would be making the bed and perhaps doing laundry. This way, you’ll pay less attention to your night sweats as you focus, instead, on how tired you are. Your spouse or hooker will also be awakened by your movements and will be there to help you deal with your night sweats.** Now, rather than waking up naturally in the morning and throwing the damp sheets in the wash, you can discuss your problems with your mate at two o’clock in the morning. What great bonding time!
As always, we refer to the product description to hammer the point home:

If you’re bothered by night sweats, try this monitor. When it senses perspiration, it vibrates and sounds an alarm so that you can wake up and remove blankets or take other corrective action. Saves you time and trouble changing moist sheets and sleepwear.

Imagine the time you’ll save when you wake up in the middle of the night, remove the blanket from the bed and explain to your spouse why you’re up at some ungodly hour. You’ll be so glad that you’re awake when your lover turns to you, carresses your cheek and says, “Why is your sleepwear moist?” “It’s my night sweats,” you’ll respond. “I have to take corrective action.” Surely, your husband or wife will smile, assist you in changing the sheets and lovingly laugh at the misunderstanding. They will love this extra time that you spend together early in the morning, two-to-three hour before the alarm clock goes off. And they’ll enjoy doing activities that easily could be done during waking hours.

So, if you wet the bed through your pours and not your crotch, get yourself the Night Sweat Alarm. You and your partner will be glad that you did.***

* That’s statistically impossible.
** He will probably roll over, go back to sleep and mutter something unflattering under his breath.
*** Your partner will be perusing the Casual Encounters section of Craigslist while you wash your moist sheets.

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.