I’m going to be honest with you, many of you disgust me. Seriously, you are gross, impolite, awful people. Not all of you. Just those of you who think it’s perfectly acceptable clip your toenails in public. You know who you are. I’ve seen you on the subway. I’ve heard your clippers in bathroom stalls. Hell, I’ve seen you on airplanes! How do you sleep at night? Nail clipping is a private affair. It should be done in your own bathroom or seated immediately next to a trash receptacle. Any other locations are wrong on both a moral and ethical level. At the SkyMall Monday headquarters (which is shared with Ms. SkyMall Monday and our SkyMall Monday canines), nail clipping is done behind closed doors lest someone lose an eye to shrapnel. Not only do I dislike rudeness, I don’t want to date a one-eyed woman. And certainly not one whose ocular misfortune was caused by her keratin carelessness. Thankfully, SkyMall understands that nail clipping is an activity that must be done whilst one is squirreled away in a bathroom with wan lighting. To keep your cuticles cute, you’ll need proper equipment while you’re in exile. That’s why you need the Lighted Nail Clipper/Magnifier.Let’s start off with a list of places where you should NOT be clipping your nails:
- On any form of public transportation
- In your place of business
- On a couch next to any other human being
- On a couch when you are alone
- Near a couch
- In any room with wall-to-wall carpeting or a thick area rug
- On a bed
- Church/synagogue/mosque/any place of worship
- Movie theater
- Broadway theater
- Interpretive dance theater
- Buses
- Planes
- Trains
- Hot air balloons
- During any form of surgery
- 99.9% of places on Earth
With that cleared up, we can move on. If you are going to clip your nails, you want to do so safely. You need proper lighting and adequate views of the nails in question. Biting is never an option. Precision is key. If you think touching the sides while playing Operation is scary, imagine fucking up one of your phalanges. If you think I’m exaggerating, you’re probably gnawing on your toenail as you read this. You’re an animal. Read the product description while I dry heave because of you:
Easily and safely trim your nails with this lighted nail clipper. Quality stainless steel spring loaded cutters for long use and includes batteries for LED light.
Batteries are included. For that alone, it gets the SkyMall Monday Seal of Approval. Throw in the fact that it’s “perfect for seniors and visually impaired” and allows for “smooth, fast, precise trimming,” and you’ll almost look forward to being banished to the bathroom while you trim your nails. Just be careful. I get worried when anything is spring loaded. That sounds like a recipe for eye damage. And you know how I feel about eye damage.
Now that you have the proper tools, there’s no excuse for clipping your nails anywhere near me or any other human being. Do the right thing, people. Clip in private. Clip with precision. Clip with dignity.
Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.