Area man surprised to learn entire continent of Africa not engaged in armed conflict

These days, most of the news coming out of Africa is not good. But one local man was surprised to learn that the entire continent is not actually engaged in armed conflict.

Jeff Patterson, a 36-year-old welder from south Pittsburgh, was speaking to his next-door neighbors on Monday when he was told that the middle-aged couple had just returned from a safari in Africa. Upon hearing this news, witnesses described Patterson’s eyes as “almost popping out of his head,” as his mouth gaped wide in astonishment.

“We told Jeff that we just got back from Tanzania,” said Dave Simms, one of Patterson’s neighbors, “and he yelled, ‘Holy s—!'” Then he asked us if we had to sneak into the country, and how we dodged bullets from ‘all the snipers.’ He really has no idea what he’s talking about.”

When Mrs. Simms told Patterson that they had a “lovely” trip, and mentioned the gorgeous scenery and friendly people they came across, Patterson was flabbergasted.

“You mean you talked to them?” said Patterson, referring to the people of Tanzania. “Weren’t they carrying AK-47’s? Weren’t you afraid they’d shoot?”

As Mr. Simms tried to wrap up the conversation, Patterson inquired as to the couple’s future plans. “You guys going into any more war zones?” he asked. “How about Nicaragua? The Philippines? Poland?”

Mr. Simms was seen shaking his head as he walked away from his neighbor. Witnesses confirm that he could be heard muttering, “Poland? Seriously, Poland?”