Travel Recommendations for The Office

by Andrew Evans on


Back in the olden days, long before the Internet was born, there was this thing called a travel agent–typically semi-self-aware, middle-aged ladies who helped you pick out a nice vacation destination, find a hotel that was “so you” and then book your plane tickets printed on carbon paper, folded and then stuffed into fancy airline covers. The whole process was about inside relationships, consumerist trust and catering to personal tastes. Sadly, travel agents went out of style along with high-top shoes and dual tape decks, or rather, we all became travel agents and the ones who got paid to do it lost their jobs.

As an empowered, self-proclaimed Internet travel agent, I’m offering my services gratis to the folks that need it the most: those overworked, underpaid, Vitamin-D deficient fun bunch of NBC‘s The Office, If they’re like most Americans out there, the employees of Dunder-Mifflin get only 10-15 days of vacation a year and should be using every bit of it (along with a few sick days) to get the hell out of Scranton, PA. Assuming the medicinal and therapeutic properties of travel, and summoning the travel agents’ lost art of matching personality to destination, I offer the following recommendations:

Michael Scott spent Christmas at a Sandals in Jamaica with girlfriend/boss Jan Levinson. So wrong. This was clearly a blatant case of cheesy product placement and failed to take Michael to that place where he belongs, which is on a safari in Tanzania’s Serengeti. Yes, the boss man would be just as happy at some wildlife park in Florida, but for the full range of Michael antics, you’d need him to actually be in Africa, mimicking African accents and getting a royal kick out of all the massive animals. Fast-forward to the zebra carpet on his office floor, Masai shields hanging on his wall and his new moniker “Chief.”Jim Halpert disappeared himself to Australia to avoid Pam’s pending marriage to another man. OK, we get it–Australia is the farthest place from Pennsylvania and he was nursing a broken heart, but in reality, uh, he would have been nursing some hellish jet lag. We love Australia, but it’s not a weekend getaway, or even a one-week getaway. Methinks Jim needs to go to Dublin, Ireland. Not only because he would appreciate Guinness and look handsome in tweed, but that plucky Irish spirit might counter his nervous nature. Also, as one of the better-paid employees in The Office, Jim might actually be able to afford super-expensive Dublin.

Pamela Beesley doesn’t seem that well-traveled, bizarrely. She’s camped in the Poconos and did a brief stint in artsy New York City but this new wife and mother could definitely expand her horizons. Paris for a week of art and luxury should do the trick. We recommend splurging at Hotel Fouquet’s Barrière on the Champs-Elysées (for the spa) and spending her days floating from one art museum to the next. Take your mom or a friend. Let Jim stay home and take care of the baby.

Dwight Schrute already lives in his own little world, nevertheless, he reveals a penchant for large, open spaces. Russia is such a place. Also, Russians love the martial arts and beets. In fact, in Russia there are entire collective farms that grow nothing but beets, so Dobra Pozhalovat Comrade Schrute. No matter that the new Russia is fiercely capitalist and worships pop culture, Dwight will find his own tribe and come back with some sound ideas on organizational behavior.

Phyllis Vance is a classy woman attached to a rich refrigerator-selling husband to pay for all of her audacious tastes. The Moroccan Christmas party she threw in Season 5 reveals a girlish interest in some fabled, exotic Orient, but she also needs dependable electricity and a lot of good restaurants. Hence my verdict of Istanbul. Turkey’s largest city is also one of the greatest eating cities in the world–an explosion of foreign sights and culinary delights. Also, Phyllis loves to wear shawls, of which there are many to choose from among Istanbul’s crazy bazaars. (Bob, you should stay here.)

Ryan Howard needs a double kick in the pants for his affectation and superiority complex. Yeah, he already took time off to “travel” in Thailand but anyone who’s been to Thailand knows that much of the country is just a playground for the sort of entitled backpacker that is Ryan. That’s why we’re sending short, frail, pale Ryan to sunny, sandy Kuwait and not on vacation, but Kuwait as in, “you’re in the army now, kid.” He never makes it into Iraq (imagine Ryan with war stories), but learns to answer every sentence with, “Sir”.

Kelly Kapoor is Indian-American, yes, but those of who’ve actually been to India knows she would absolutely hate it there. Kelly is a serious girl who loves anything pink and struggles with her shopaholic nature. And where is the best shopping in the whole wide world? Buenos Aires, baby, B.A. We recommend Kelly stay at this boutique hotel in Palermo Soho, surrounded by a bunch of unique clothing and jewelry stores. Also, I’m thinking Kelly is liking the Argentine gelato (and men).

Andy Bernard is the ultimate frat boy who just can’t (or won’t) grow out of it. This Ivy League manboy surely has a few pairs of well-ironed Bermuda shorts, folded nicely in his summer clothes box, and he will need them for his trip to Bermuda. In the end, all of his bros will flake on him so he’ll have to go alone, but the pink beaches, sophisticated rum drinks, and yacht culture will suit him just fine.

Angela Martin is a woman who needs to chill out, big time. I don’t have enough fingers and toes to count the number of uptight career women who’ve found their bliss in Tuscany, so Angela, Italy it is. Please take all that saved-up leave and get lost on some one-lane highway between Florence and Siena, then get found by your future Italian boyfriend. Please come back with flowing skirts and open collars, wearing your hair down and with a new-found penchant for Chianti. Grazie Mille.

Kevin Malone needs to raise hell in New Orleans, obviously. The man has a funky party side that just can’t break free in boring Scranton. As a musician, he’ll dig the jazz and as a fat man, he’ll dig the beignets, po’ boys, muffaletta, and gumbo. He will likely return bearing gifts of hot sauce for all. Go Kevin.

Meredith Palmer is a difficult client for a travel agent to please. The woman is boozy, so the Scotland whiskey tour (with designated driver) seems appropriate, however, this 6-night Carnival Cruise from Charleston, South Carolina would be perfect–if it includes drinks (Meredith, please wear sunblock). And yet, the redhead in Supplier Relations also loves going topless, so the Côte d’Azur would be just perfect.

Creed Bratton has already spent a lot of time in China and even speaks Chinese. He’s also a total whack job and kind of creepy and a schemer. Hmmm . . really old plus Chinese plus funky and scheming equals Macau. Creed will quickly lose track of the days as he gambles his way to oblivion. Once he makes his shady millions, he can go into hiding in the nearby Philipines and never come back, because really, is Creed even necessary?

Stanley Hudson is a no-nonsense kind of guy with predictable, easy-living tastes. We recommend St. Croix, in the US Virgin Islands, where time moves slowly and the fruity drinks are plentiful. Stanley never has to set foot outside his resort, nor will he ever let the Caribbean go past his knees.

Toby Flenderson ran off to his escapist dreamland of Costa Rica but honestly, his skin just isn’t right for it. Really Toby, consider Canada. You’ll never get sunburnt, the people are as nice and respectable as your human-resource mind believes all mankind should be, and it’s so, so safe. I say get your daughter hooked on Anne of Green Gables and then surprise her with a trip to Prince Edward Island.

Oscar Martinez already took a three-month vacation to Europe with his boyfriend Gil in Season 3. Now that he’s single, he should really be more adventurous. You’d think Amsterdam or Sydney’s Mardi Gras but I’m gonna go out on a limb and recommend Tennessee’s Dollywood. What’s better for a gay, Mexican-American accountant than a theme park memorializing an iconic diva, right in the heart of the Smokey Mountains? Dollywood has a huge gay following and yet is so quaint and respectably Appalachian. He’ll love it.

Erin Hannon Somebody in the office doesn’t have a passport and we all know it’s Erin. Coy, naïve, and a little odd, Erin still just doesn’t see the need for a passport. Sending Erin to San Diego, California would be about as far as she could go, plus there are lots of brave Navy guys to show her around. Incidentally, I think she would really love the zoo.

Darryl Philbin represents the blue collar element on the show and yet he’s got way better tastes than most of the office. Urban, hip, and cooler than cool, Daryl would be happiest in Berlin. Germany’s capital-under-construction is the perfect mix of blue collar power, good beats, and good times.

First ever circumnavigation of the Americas ends tomorrow

by Kraig Becker on

The Ocean Watch, a 64-foot long rugged sailing ship, is scheduled to arrive back home in Seattle tomorrow after spending nearly 13 months at sea. The yacht, and her four person crew, are about to complete the first circumnavigation of North and South America, a journey of more than 25,000 miles, and in the process, perhaps help us to better understand the health of the oceans as well.

The project is known as the Around the Americas expedition, and until a few years ago, it wouldn’t have even been possible. But, thanks to global climate change, the Northwest Passage has become a navigable waterway, at least for a few weeks each year, and the crew of the Ocean Watch took advantage of that fact last year to complete the first stage of the voyage. After leaving Seattle, the ship sailed north to Alaska, and then proceeded even further north to cross the legendary passage that sits above Canada in the Arctic Ocean.

After making their way through the icy waters of the Northwest Passage the crew turned the ship south, running down the east coast of Canada and the U.S. From there, it was on to the Caribbean, then along the coast of Mexico and on towards South America. The voyage continued all the way to Cape Horn, where the Ocean Watch braved some of the most dangerous waters on the planet as they sailed across the Drake Passage, before turning north once again. The return trip saw the ship hugging the western coastlines of both North and South America. Now, they stand one day away from completing the first ever circumnavigation of those two continents, which will be complete upon their return to Seattle.

The journey wasn’t undertaken just for the pure adventure, although there was plenty of that too. Along the way, the crew, which consists of Captain Mark Schrader, First Mate David Logan, and watch captains David Thoreson and Herb McCormick, have taken a variety of scientific readings about the waters they’ve passed through. The team, which was joined in various stages by guest scientists and educators, hopes to use the data they’ve recorded to examine the impact of climate change on the polar ice caps and coral reefs, as well as the level of acidification in the oceans and the impact of pollution and debris.

This has been an amazing voyage to follow, and the crew is about to earn a well deserved break after months at sea.

[Photo credit: Around the Americas]

Exciting Repositioning Cruises for the Fall

by Alex Robertson Textor on

Repositioning cruises are the leftovers of cruising. When cruise ships need to move from one port to another at seasonal cusps, they take less conventional itineraries to get from one home port to another. Repositioning cruises can often be booked for less than more conventional cruises on a per-night basis.

Repositioning cruises are also, somewhat ironically, a good option for independent (even round-the-world) travelers. A well-priced repositioning cruise can deliver travelers from one continent to another, sometimes for not much more than an airline ticket, and also permit visits (however short) to many ports in-between. While RTW travelers seldom look to repositioning cruises for inspiration, they should.

One of the more exciting repositioning cruises on the schedule this fall is Holland America’s 43-day Vancouver-Sydney crossing on the Volendam, which will take in Seattle, four ports in Hawaii, American Samoa, Fiji, Vanuatu, New Caledonia, several ports in New Zealand, and several ports in Australia. It leaves September 22. The least expensive stateroom on offer comes to $3899 per person.

Holland America is also selling the above cruise with a termination in Auckland (29 days in total) for $2399.

For less ambitious prospective repositioning cruisers, Cruise Critic has published a useful list of some of the more intriguing shorter repositioning itineraries for the fall: 17 nights between Copenhagen and New York on Costa, leaving September 4; 18 nights between Vancouver and Fort Lauderdale on Holland America, leaving September 25; and 16 nights between Rome and Rio de Janeiro on Princess, leaving December 4.

(Image: Flickr/pmarkham)

Top five weekend travel media stories

by Alex Robertson Textor on

Here are five interesting stories from this weekend’s newspaper travel sections around the world.

1. In Melbourne’s the Age, Andrew West writes about a fabulous train journey from Jakarta to Yogyakarta to Surabaya and then back to Jakarta.

2. Sophie Cooke extols the pleasures of Sarajevo and rural Bosnia in the Guardian.

3. In the New York Times, Jaime Gross spends 36 hours in Salt Lake City and fills readers in on the buzz on SLC’s new organic dining scene.

4. Jay Jones does the Wisconsin artisan cheese tour circuit for the Los Angeles Times.

5. In the Globe and Mail, Bonny Reichert writes an ode to backcountry canoeing and camping in Ontario’s Algonquin Park.

(Image: Flickr/johovac)

Give dad a custom vacation from Kensington Tours this year

by Kraig Becker on

Father’s Day may still be a couple of weeks away, but if you’re struggling to figure out what to give dad this year, than Kensington Tours is here to help. The travel company, which specializes in private guided adventure travel to more than 80 countries around the globe, has officially designated a Vacation Valet who is prepared to help create a custom itinerary to fit your dad’s needs.

Kensington has named Brad Crockett as their official Vacation Valet for Dad, and he is ready to help apply his years of experience in the travel industry to create an unforgettable vacation experience. Whether your dad is an experienced global traveler or this is his first time abroad, he’ll have a custom designed itinerary that has been developed with his interests in mind. Best of all, these custom trips are surprisingly affordable, ranging from $200 to $2000 per day depending on your destination and options.

Of course we all know that every dad is different and each has their own idea of what constitutes a great travel experience. Fortunately, Kensington has the resources to deliver those experiences to even the most demanding traveler. For instance, if your dad is an adventurous traveler, then perhaps he’d enjoy trekking in the Atlas Mountains of Morocco or hunting with Pygmies in the Congo. Is he a history buff? Then let Kensington send him on a tour of famous battle fields in Vietnam or on an archaeological expedition through Egypt. Other options include exploring Kenya by motorcycle, dog sledding in the Yukon, white water rafting in Peru, or fly fishing in Chile. And for the dad who’s passion is golf, Kensington can even arrange a trip to the British Open in Scotland, including rounds of golf and whiskey tasting.

If you have one of those dads who already has everything, perhaps this year you can give him something that he has been lacking in the form of an international adventure of a lifetime. For more information go to Kensingtontours.com.