SkyMall Monday: Zenhaus Dog Crate

gadling skymall monday zenhaus dog crateLiving with a dog means giving up much of your domestic life to an animal that doesn’t know how to share space. You live with fur everywhere. Water and food bowls take up part of the kitchen floor. Toys are scattered everywhere. It’s difficult to create a sophisticated living space when there are drool stains on most of the furniture. We run into these problems at SkyMall Monday headquarters thanks to our freeloading tenants. This doesn’t even take into account the space issues. Once you set out some dog beds and set up their crates, you’re dedicating a tremendous amount of real estate to animals that lick their own penises. So how do you maximize space, live in style and also make your home comfortable for your dogs? You simply sit back, relax and let SkyMall solve all of your problems with the Zenhaus Dog Crate…that’s also a coffee table!Crates take up huge swaths of space and ostracize your dogs. By combining your dog’s crate with your coffee table, you use your space efficiently and make your dog a decorative centerpiece while you’re entertaining. Your guests will marvel at your seven-layer dip and how your dog runs around in circles inside your coffee table because he so desperately wants said dip that he can smell just inches above him.

Think that dog crates and coffee tables should be two separate pieces of furniture? Believe that it’s torturous to keep your dog in your coffee table while you serve appetizers to friends? Well, while you keep your dog away from the pigs in a blanket, we’ll be reading the product description:

This furniture collection appeals to dogs’ natural instincts to have their own, cozy sanctuary (like their ancestors’ caves) and the pet owner’s desire for luxury home furnishings.

I think they’re discounting man’s urge to have luxury home furnishing by simply calling it a “desire.” It, too, is a natural instinct. Even when our ancestors lived in caves, they always tried to optimize the feng shui by clubbing their mates and laying then in the southeast corner of their dwellings.

Dog ownership presents many challenges but interior design doesn’t need to be one of them. Keep your dog confined and drinks close by all in one by putting your pet inside your coffee table. It’s simply the natural evolution of both beast and man.

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.

How To Crate Your Dog For Travel, from Cesar Millan

SkyMall Monday: Food Pillows

gadling food pillows Some decisions are easy because you simply don’t have a choice. The decision is made for you when there’s only one option. Others force you to pick between two worthy candidates (think ice cream or cookies for dessert). Things get tricky when you encounter more than two viable options. How do you choose from a cornucopia of wonder? Here at SkyMall Monday, we typically engage in heated battles of Rock, Paper, Scissors to make these critical decisions. However, sometimes we become so paralyzed by the options that we can’t make up our minds. What do you do when presented with so many outstanding products? That’s the dilemma we’re facing this week thanks to SkyMall. To solve the problem, we’re turning to you, dear readers. Help us decide which of these will become the Official Food Pillow of SkyMall Monday.Food pillows? They’re pillows that look like foods. Too hard to eat, just soft enough to enjoy. Don’t believe me? Check out the product description:

We dreamed we ate an ice cream sandwich and when we woke up our pillow was gone…

Completely dreamy pillows look like the real thing, right down to the delicious detailing.

Dreamy pillows? That’s a delicious play on words right there!

But which pillow is the most palatable? Let’s look at the contestants:

gadling food pillow cupcakeSushi – Something smells fishy, but it’s not your pillow. Naps on this will only leave you feeling fresh (though you should probably take a shower because, unlike your pillow, you smell pretty foul).

Cupcake – Ever wish that you could have an extra large cupcake? As if it were some sort of, I don’t know, cake.

Pizza – No need to blot the grease off of this pizza before you plant your face on it!

Ice Cream Sandwich – Not the sexiest option from the Good Humor man, but better than a pillow with a gross gumball nose.

So many fantastic options. But only one can be named the Official Food Pillow of SkyMall Monday. Seriously, we need one of these for SkyMall Monday headquarters. But which one?! Vote below to help us decide!

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Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.

SkyMall Monday: Rechargeable Heated Slippers

What do you wear to stay warm? A hat? Some mittens? Perhaps a pair of boots? You’re a fool. When temperatures plunge below freezing, you can’t rely on down and wool to keep you from dying of hypothermia. And body heat alone won’t suffice when you’re lost in the wilderness. If you’re going to keep frostbite at bay you need to bring your own heat to the party. This week, SkyMall Monday looks at the latest in feet-warming technology with this gem from SkyMall: Rechargeable Heated Slippers.Did you see that video? These slippers literally light snow on fire! They’re like the Back to the Future DeLorean of rechargeable heated slippers. And despite most people defining slippers as footwear that you enjoy indoors – where you presumably would have access to a radiator or fireplace to keep warm – these slippers are also for outdoor use. And they’re fashionable because they look like you made them from your sleeping bag and a car tire.

gadling skymall monday rechargeable heated slippersThink that a good pair of boots with some wool socks will keep your feet plenty warm? Believe that the best heated accessories necessitate nuclear reactors? Well, while you’re losing feeling in your toes we’ll be reading the product description:

The Volt heated indoor/outdoor slippers provide you with hours of soothing warmth for numb toes and cold, tired feet. Designed with a built-in thermostat control that automatically regulates heat temperature for optimal comfort.

Enjoy between 110 to 135 degrees of pulsing heat for up to 6+ hours per charge.

Much like we all have our own sleep number, we also have personal optimal foot temperatures. My feet are happiest at around 118 degrees. Anything hotter than that and it starts to resemble a French cheese shop down there.

Gear up properly for winter lest you lose some digits to the elements. Leave your Freaky Freezies at home and graduate to a new level of warmth with these Rechargeable Heated Slippers.

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.

SkyMall Monday: Beard Cap

gadling skymall monday beard capI’ve been a bit cranky in this space recently. I’ve railed against the Nuddle Blanket and the Ponchillow in the last few weeks. Many of you, I’m sure, have begun to worry that I’ve lost my zest for SkyMall. Rest assured that I remain optimistic about our favorite in-flight catalog and that there are still countless products that leave me engorged with excitement. In fact, SkyMall Monday headquarters is abuzz over this week’s featured invention. As you might know, I typically sport a beard. I’m a bit of a follicle aficionado and, as such, appreciate all things whisker-related. I understand, however, that not everyone can grow out their facial hair. Women, pre-pubescent boys and many Asians lack the ability to cultivate a thick, luxurious face garden. Thankfully, there is now an alternative. As winter clutches us in her icy grip, stay warm and sport the chin mane of your dreams with the Beard Cap.Beards are sacred and personal things. In a perfect world, we would also have flowing locks dangling from our faces. Sadly, that is not nature’s way. Beards can be fickle and there are those who conspire to remove them through nefarious means. The Beard Cap allows you to sport a beard when needed and hide it when danger presents itself.

Think that a cap with a beard is a waste of fabric? Believe that there are better ways to protect your face from the cold? Well, while you figure out how to put on a balaclava, we’ll be reading the product description:

Gray and black cap has attached mustache and beard.

1 size fits most adults.

It is what is says it is. Isn’t that the mark of any good beard – real or otherwise? Beards lack pretense. They’re the working man’s facial hair. They’re not for everyone (one size fits “most” but not all) but everyone is for them. Think about it.

Don’t let your lack of testosterone or ethnic makeup keep you from sporting the beard that you so richly deserve. Ignore the aspersions cast by those who would rather see you “clean shaven.” There is nothing dirty about beards (except for when you cupcakes and chili dogs) and you have every right to grow or buy your own. Even if the one you buy makes you look like an atomic ginger.

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.

Beard and Mustache Championship

SkyMall Monday: Ponchillo, the fleece poncho with a pillow

gadling skymall monday ponchillo fleece poncho sleevesIt hasn’t even been a month since I railed against the Nuddle Blanket and called for everyone to stop purchasing asinine blankets with sleeves. I thought for sure that common sense would spread across the land and that sanity would prevail. Alas, a new threat has presented itself and we must once again brace ourselves for an onslaught of perplexing infomercials. Despite our best efforts here at SkyMall Monday, I fear that SkyMall has again forsaken us by supporting a bizarre leisure garment that attempts to turn us into fleece-draped marsupials. It’s time once again take up our swords and defend our rational way of life. Let all who can hear my call join us as we seek to defeat this latest interloper…the Ponchillo, a fleece poncho with sleeves!

Ponchillo is a portmanteau combining poncho and pillow, although it more realistically sounds like the name of a large Central American rodent. According to the product’s official website, however, it is made in the USA. They insist that it differs from the Nuddle Blanket, Slanket, Snuggie, Forever Lazy and their ilk.

Is it really so different? Well, their commercial is pretty blunt about it. Take a look and then check out my detailed breakdown of the footage below.

0:01 – OK, the font and jingle have combined to make me feel like I’m about to watch a cartoon about Ponchillo, a Central American rodent who goes on adventures. I’m oddly excited.

0:02 – Three generations of one family have gathered to watch a movie. This is way weirder than any cartoon.

0:04 – The Ponchillo appears! I have a hard time believing that Mom kept it a secret during the 2-6 weeks that it takes for the Ponchillo to be delivered. Moms like to talk about everything they do. “I saved a dollar on those cookies that you like using a coupon in Parade. Also, I saw Barb at the market. She’s put on a lot of weight.”

0:08 – Mom seems to have attended a seminar on how to sell the Ponchillo that was held over three days at the local Radisson.

0:15 – Do we really need a remote control organizer inside our ponchos? Leave those semen and urine-covered on the table.

0:18 – Whoa, were those hard candies? Isn’t that grandma’s turf? It’s not a good idea to move in on another dealer’s corners.

0:21 – You know what else has a pillow, lady? That couch that you’re sitting on.

0:24 – “But it’s better than a blanket.” Oh snap! That’s a blatant shot across the bow of the blankets with sleeves machine. Ponchillo’s got some claws.

0:35 – Poor Grandma just doesn’t have the energy that she used to. And she’s having delusions about flying machines again.

0:40 – I remember my days as a teenaged boy, stealing clothes from my mother’s closet and singing Barbra Streisand songs.

0:43 – Do kids keep their video game controllers in their pockets until it’s their turn? They’ll never find Princess Zelda with that technique.

0:45 – More theft! At least it’s the daughter this time. Have you ever washed fleece? It shrinks several sizes. That Ponchillo would surely be a Ponchillito by now.

0:48 – Fleece dance party! “Sure, you girls just comfortably jump around in tank tops. I’m trying to lose a few pounds before prom so I’m going to sweat it off in the Ponchillo.” [faints]

0:55 – How bad a host are you if you force three teenaged girls to sleep on the floor and share one tiny blanket? I’ve attended better slumber parties in Pyongyang.

1:00 – Let me get this straight: You’re attending an outdoor sporting event at which everyone else is wearing coats and you’ve chosen to wear a t-shirt? There’s a girl in front of you wearing earmuffs, for Pete’s sake! Don’t complain about how cold the bleachers are when you have no one to blame but yourself.

1:04 – The Deluxe Ponchillo has a seat cushion? Don’t try to distract us from the fact that no one in their right mind would wear this thing outside of the house. Why do all of these companies show their products being used at sporting events? Snuggie and Forever Lazy, I’m looking at you.

1:10 – Another family movie night? Was the Lone Ranger not on the radio tonight?

1:12 – Mom had no idea that all four of you bought Ponchillos? This family has a problem with secrets (such as, what happened to Grandpa?).

1:14 – “Anybody want a pillow? “No!” “I didn’t think so.” [Forced laughter]

1:19 – I’m still recovering from that knee-slapper of a zinger.

1:22 – The family dog smothers himself with the discarded throw pillow to end his suffering.

Put on a sweater. Buy a decent blanket. Use the pillows that you already own. Wear a jacket to a sporting event (and pants, please). Just don’t wear blankets with sleeves.

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.