SkyMall Monday: Top 5 products for hurricane season

by Mike Barish on

Here on the East Coast, Hurricane Irene made for quite the weekend. First, we braved the hordes of crazy people in the supermarket (no one needs that much peanut butter), then the torrential rains and, more than anything, the constant barrage of media hype. Thankfully, we’re all safe and accounted for here at SkyMall Monday headquarters. However, we’re now well aware that hurricane season is underway and still has weeks to go. That’s why it’s time to make sure that you’re prepared. By now, you should have flashlights and batteries (and to the people who needed to buy them this weekend, why didn’t you own them already?), but there are plenty of other items that you should own to ensure that you’re prepared for the next month or so of tropical weather. Here are the top five SkyMall products you need for hurricane season.5. Monet Rain Boots (pictured above)

When the weather is bad, it doesn’t matter how ugly you look so long as you stay dry. Since it doesn’t matter, you might as well be the ugliest.

4. Make Your Own Truffle Kit

There’s a good chance that your local chocolatier will be closed during storms so they can hoard their confections for their own family. Fear not, however, as you can easily whip up some emergency truffles. Disaster has never been so decadent.

3. The Spectator Umbrella

Let’s go right to the product description:

When not providing rain protection, it can be converted into a seat cane with a comfortable 13″ wide leather strap seat by simply spreading the handles.

You want to stay dry as you brave the storm, but you also want to relax once you get to the shelter and using the cots that they provide just sounds unsanitary.

2. Women’s Waterproof Rain Cape

Over the river (which is flooding over its banks) and through the woods (which is full of fallen trees), to grandmother’s house you go (because she’s outside of the evacuation zone and still has electricity). Ponchos are so last year and jackets are cliche. This hurricane season, it’s all about capes. Just look out for the big, bad wolf (or, you know, downed power lines).

1. Testosterole Sexual Enhancer

You’re going to be spending a lot of time inside the house with no TV, internet or electronic entertainment options. Eventually, you’ll want to have some fun with what’s underneath that cape. [Note: I would have posted the product description but it’s painfully long and includes the word “secretion,” which makes me very uncomfortable.]

Stay safe out there, kids.

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.

SkyMall Monday: Beamz Interactive Music System

by Mike Barish on

You simply don’t hear very many people complaining about the lack of new instruments being invented. Basically, since we electrified the guitar, we’ve been set with all of the instruments that humanity needs. Granted, converting turntables from music players to music makers was pretty ingenious, but it wasn’t necessarily the invention of an instrument. At this point, we’re set for making music. Yet, this week’s SkyMall Monday features the quintessential SkyMall instrument because it, of course, has lasers. Sit back and enjoy the melodious seduction of the Beamz Interactive Music System.We’re long overdue for an instrument that combines the digital presets of a synthesizer with the hair growth-encouraging powers of lasers. Previously, only John Tesh was able to create riffs that simultaneously mesmerized and annoyed listeners. Now, however, we can all produce the kind of smooth adult contemporary jams that dentists’ offices so desperately need.

Think that lasers have no business in music? Believe that instruments should not be called “interactive music systems?” Well, while you play the triangle, we’ll be reading the product description:

Don’t just listen to your favorite music — join the band! You don’t have to be a musician — with the Beamz, anyone can steal the show.

Pass a hand or finger through the laser beams to jazz up your favorite tunes with hundreds of sounds.

No longer does listening to music need to be a passive activity. Finally, you can “jazz up” the songs that were produced by professional musicians with your own laser-induced ideas.

But, you don’t just have to alter existing songs. Once you become proficient in the Beamz Interactive Music System, you can create your own masterpieces that will enthrall your friends and confuse your grandparents. I, for one, look forward to hearing your laser tunes the next time I’m walking through a shopping mall.

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.

SkyMall Monday: Touchless Sensor Toilet Seats

by Mike Barish on

Once SkyMall Monday headquarters became a den of premarital cohabitation, I was forced to learn the fine art of leaving the toilet seat down. It seems that women urinate while seated and, should the seat be up when they attempt to sit, they can fall into the bowl. As refreshingly hilarious as that sounds, it turns out that they find getting their buttocks stuck in the toilet to be humiliating and infuriating. Why, however, should men be forced to deal with the burden of lowering the toilet seat upon completion of their standing bladder evacuation? It seems to me that women need to take responsibility for their own needs and be in charge of lowering the seat when they need it. What happened to women’s lib? Thankfully, SkyMall is here to eliminate the issue altogether, thus bringing domestic peace amongst the sexes. It is no longer the man’s responsibility to lower the seat or the woman’s job to nag the man. From now on, the toilet will do all of the work thanks to the Touchless Sensor Toilet Seats.Who wants to touch dirty toilet seats? Plus, the constant raising and lowering of toilet seats puts unwanted stress on our wrists and elbows leading to a condition called Pisser’s Arm. No one wants to miss out on their bowling league because of a bathroom-related injury.

Think that lifting the toilet seat takes one second? Believe that this cliché argument between men and women is easily solved with a simple conversation and a little bit of compromise? Well, while you argue over whether the toilet paper roll should be hung overhand or underhand (the answer is overhand), we’ll be reading the product description:

Some men have a hard time remembering to put the toilet seat down after use.

Now the Touchless Sensor Toilet Seat is good news for your household. It raises the lid automatically as you approach the toilet.

Wave a hand over it one more time and the seat rises.

Then both the lid and seat close automatically 15 seconds after you step away. The unit is easy to install and because it’s touchless, it helps prevent germs and bacteria from spreading.

Clearly, waving your hand over the toilet like a wizard takes less time than lifting the seat manually. And, since you never clean your bathroom, it’s for the best that you never touch anything in there.

The product is made by the same company that solved the problem of always having to rip off a sheet of paper towel with our own bare hands, so it’s about time that they receive a Nobel Peace Prize for the domestic bliss that they have brought us.

If you’re curious about how this all works, check out the video below, which is the least erotic demonstration involving a toilet that I have ever seen.

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.

SkyMall Monday: Magic Derriere Enhancing Panty vs. Clothing Shields

by Mike Barish on

We all have our own body issues. For some, they wish they were thinner. For others, acne causes constant embarrassment. However, two issues stand out as the most traumatizing: small butts and excessive sweating. Flat-butted women have long suffered from Droopy Pants Complex, an affliction that has flummoxed scientists for minutes. Women who sweat are forced to hide their armpits under sweaters, jackets, shrugs and housecoats. This strategy only leads to more sweating through a process called “Layered Armpit Dampness.” Thankfully, the experts here at SkyMall Monday labs have been researching two products dedicated to curing these awful afflictions. With the help of those selfless philanthropists at SkyMall, perhaps we can finally put to rest these two nightmares. But, which product is the most useful, the Magic Derriere Enhancing Panty or Clothing Shields? Read on to find out.

We pored over these two products for as long as it took to read their product descriptions in the SkyMall catalog on a flight home from South Florida. In that time, we made many amusing observations stunning discoveries. We are now prepared to release our results are share our findings with the scientific community.


While we certainly were able to see the merits of the Magic Derriere Enhancing Panty, we failed to see any magic. This false claim forced is to scrutinize the products further, which led to the discovery that the Clothing Shields are, in fact, shields for clothing.

Flat Butt Syndrome sufferers need only find cushioned seats to live comfortably. Excessive sweaters live in shame – and inside the laundry room. The much-needed relief provided by Clothing Shields cannot be ignored.

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.

SkyMall Monday: You Go Girl!

by Mike Barish on

Going to the bathroom on planes is never pleasant. In fact, doing your business anywhere in public can be nerve-wracking. Many public restrooms smell unpleasant and are filthy. Beyond that, there’s the embarrassment caused by the sounds emanating from our behinds and the ensuing odors created by the gastrointestinal festivities. There’s nothing more awkward than emerging from the stall after a particularly loud and aromatic session to find people at the sinks visibly traumatized by the experience. That’s why we only go number two at SkyMall Monday headquarters. We have a soundproof bathroom built two miles below ground inside a mountain. For those of you who didn’t have your facilities designed by a military contractor, SkyMall has just what you need to keep your bathroom business from becoming a public fiasco. The next time you have to use a public restroom to evacuate your bowels, be sure to bring along some You Go Girl!For those of you who think that women neither pass gas nor defecate, it’s time to grow up. All manner of things come out of women’s bodies and some of those events are more odoriferous than others. Unlike men, women do not celebrate the size, shape and pungency of their fecal trophies. In fact, women feel great shame when their number two is loud and noxious. That’s why they need a concealer.

Think that noises made by bodily functions are normal and healthy? Believe that we’re all mature enough to handle naturally occurring events without embarrassment? Well, while you suffocate in a port-o-potty, we’ll be reading the product description:

Reduce bathroom anxiety on airplanes, restaurants or at work with You Go Girl. Just pour a packet into the toilet before use to mask embarrassing odors, dampen sounds and eliminate splash. Biodegradable, phosphate-free formula is safe to flush, and each packet is small enough to carry discreetly in your purse, day bag or pocket, so you can feel confident taking care of business away from home.

Toilet splash is the 84th leading killer of women in public restrooms*. Eliminating this damp scourge is worth the $12.85 for a 10-pack.

Like you, I was baffled by how such a product could not only eliminate odor, but also dampen sounds and eliminate splash. Thankfully, the company has produced an informational video. Even more thankfully, that video utilizes computer animation. I trust that you will see the brilliance of You Go Girl! Of course, men do not need this product. Our farts sound like Lynyrd Skynyrd and smell like fresh baked apple pie.

* Maybe.

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.