The Most Useful Useless Phrasebook Phrases

I’ve frequently touted Lonely Planet’s Phrasebooks on Gadling (about as often as I’ve truthfully stated that I receive no kickbacks from them). They’ve saved my butt countless times, helping me do everything from getting on the right train platform to finding out what obscure ingredient is in a dish.

There’s another reason I love these indispensible travel companions, however, and that’s for their entertainment value. Like all LP books, the personality and preferences (and sometimes the nationality) of the authors shine through, although the content is consistent. Whether Czech, Hmong, or Mexican Spanish, you’ll find the layout and categories the same, barring cultural or geographical improbabilities: don’t expect to learn how to get your car tuned up in a Karen hill tribe dialect, for example.

I confess I’ve used my phrasebooks as icebreakers on more than one occasion because they make the ideal bar prop or conversation starter. Whip one out of your daypack, and I guarantee within minutes you’ll have attracted the attention of someone…so wield and use their power carefully.

The following are some of my favorite useful useless phrases culled from my collection. Disclaimer alert: May be offensive (or just plain stupid) to some readers. Also note that phrasebooks, unless written by native-speakers, will always have some errors or inconsistencies in grammar or dialect, especially when transliterated, so I won’t vouch for the complete accuracy of the following:

French
“No, it isn’t the alcohol talking.” Non, c’est moi qui dis ça, ce n’est pas l’alcool qui parle.

“Maybe a Bloody Mary will make me feel better.” Peut-être qu’un Bloody Mary me fera du bien. Unsurprisingly, many LP phrasebooks are written by Australians.

Spanish (Spain/Basque version)
“I’m sorry, I’ve got better things to do.” Lo siento, pero tengo otras cosa más importantes que hacer. Trust me, this comes in very handy if you’re a female traveling in Latin America.

“Do you have a methadone program in this country?” ¿Hay algún programa de metadona en este pais? Because savvy travelers are always prepared for the unexpected.

Italian
Under a heading called “Street Life” comes this handy phrase: “What do you charge? Quanto fa pagare?

And because Italians are romantics at heart, you’ll do well to learn the following exchange:
“Would you like to come inside for a while?” Vuoi entrare per un po?
“Let’s go to bed/the bathroom.” Andiamo a letto/in bagno.
“I’d like you to use a condom.” Voglio che ti metta il preservativo.
“Would you like a cigarette?” Prendi una sigaretta?
“You can’t stay here tonight.” Non puoi restare qui stanotte.

German
“I have my own syringe.” Ich habe meine eigene Spritze. This is actually useful, but not so much in German. If you’re traveling to developing nations and have a condition such as diabetes, definitely take the time to learn this. As for carrying syringes and hypodermics in developing nations if you don’t have a pre-existing medical condition, do so at your own risk. I’ve debated it and to me, I’d rather not be caught with “drug paraphernalia” on my person.

Portuguese
“I may be in a wheelchair but I’m able to live independently!” Posso andar de cadeira de rodas mas consigo ter uma vida independente! This isn’t so much funny as it is totally random. And I like the exclamation point.

“Oh baby, don’t stop.” Nao pares, amor! Better have this memorized or you’ll defeat the purpose of looking it up when needed.

Japanese
“Sorry, I can’t sing.” Go men na sai, u tai nam des [phonetic]. Very “Lost in Translation.”

Australian
“I’m feeling lonely/depressed.” “Miserable as a shag on a rock.”
My favorite ‘Strine phrases – not found in the LP book; I just know a lot of Aussies – include “leg opener” (a bottle of cheap wine) and “mappa Tassie” (map of Tasmania, referring to a woman’s pubic region, although I suppose this made more sense before Brazilians became the norm).

Vietnamese
“Do you want a massage? mát-xa không? Not a cliché at all.

“You’re just using me for sex (male speaker).” Am jeé moo úhn laám ding ver eé aang toy [phonetic]. Talk about progress.

Thai: “Where can I buy some gay/lesbian magazines?” mii nang seu keh/khaai thîi nai? Emergency!

[Photo credits: heart, Flickr user Toronja Azul; woman, Flickr user http://heatherbuckley.co.uk;Tasmania, Flickr user NeilsPhotography]

Museum Month: JEATH War Museum, Kanchanaburi, Thailand

History has never been my favorite subject, but once I began traveling in earnest, I discovered something. If I visited a destination, I usually became obsessed with its history or indigenous peoples. Unfortunately, I didn’t discover this in time to save the downward trajectory of my GPA when I was a student, but it’s made me sound infinitely more worldly in daily life.

I found the JEATH War Museum in Kanchanaburi, Thailand, purely by accident. Anything historical pertaining to war is a subject I normally avoid – I’m a girl like that – with the exception of the “Platoon” soundtrack. Thus, the most I knew about “The Bridge on the River Kwai,” which is located in Kanchanaburi, is how to whistle the tune. The town and bridge are actually located at the confluence of the Rivers Kwai Noi and Kwai Yai, at the headwaters of the Maeklong (Mekong).

I ended up there because I had a few days to kill prior to flying home, and it’s less than a two-hour bus ride west of Bangkok. Kanchanaburi sounded peaceful, and is a popular getaway for backpackers and Thai urbanites. The main activities are dining in the many “floating restaurants” on the river, taking cooking classes, hiking in beautiful Erawan National Park and sightseeing (more on that after the jump).

I ended up meeting two fun Australian girls at my riverfront guesthouse, and we proceeded to spend the next three days together. On our first afternoon, I asked them how they’d ended up in Kanchanaburi, and they told me they were there to visit the JEATH War Museum and pay tribute. I looked at them blankly.

“The what?” I asked. They looked at me with pity, thinking, like millions of Aussies before them, that the American educational system is an abysmal failure (no argument there).

“The Japan, England, America, Australia, Thailand, Holland War Museum,” one of the girls said patiently. “Y’know, it’s dedicated to the thousands of Allied POWs who died while constructing the Bridge and Death Railway from 1942 to 1943.”

Cue crickets chirping.The girls, to their credit, didn’t make fun of me, but instead explained that the JEATH Museum details a tragic episode in Australian (and, to a lesser degree, Kiwi) military history, and it’s something that schoolchildren learn about at a young age. Within the hour, we’d rented bikes and were pedaling through stultifying heat and humidity to the museum.

The JEATH Museum is located at Wat Chai Chumphon temple, and is housed in an exact bamboo replica of a POW sleeping hut. Inside is a horror house of relics, photos, letters, and descriptions of events and forms of torture carried out by the Imperial Japanese Army, as well as depictions of daily life for the POWs. We spent hours there, alternately sickened and fascinated by how 60,000 Allied prisoners and 180,000 Asian laborers were tortured and forced to labor under unspeakable conditions. Sixteen thousand men were worked to death or perished from starvation, dysentery, or other disease.

According to the museum’s website, the photographs on display were taken of “real situations by either Thai’s or POWs. There are also many real accounts written by former POWs, their relatives, friends, and authors that interviewed the many prisoners that suffered at the hands of the Imperial Japanese Army.”

Like the Holocaust and other genocide museums and concentration camp memorial museums, the JEATH museum is testimony to man’s ability to perpetrate atrocities against his fellow man. I suppose it’s also a tribute to man’s ingenuity when it comes to inventing new and exciting ways to torture other humans, as well as a nod to the resilience of the human body and man’s will to live. Ultimately, I believe museums such as this are also about man’s capacity to forgive: we saw visitors of all nationalities at JEATH, including many veterans.

In the days that followed, I grew obsessed by the story of the POWs. I took a ride on the famed Death (also known as the Thai-Burma or Burma) Railway, and visited Hellfire Pass, a cutting through sheer rock that earned its name due to the fatalities its labor incurred. It’s said that by night, the flashlights of toiling POWs resembled a scene from hell.

I’ve since told dozens of people about the museum and the events that occurred in the region during the Second World War. While I’ve obviously met Americans who know about the Bridge and Railway, none have been aware of the POWs and loss of life that occurred. My assumption is that because only 356 Americans died – as compared to over 2,800 Australians – it’s not considered one for our history or schoolbooks. It’s a shame, because despite the tragedy, it’s a part of human history that should be remembered, both in tribute and as a warning.

The JEATH War Museum is open daily from 8:30 a.m. to 4:30 p.m. Click here for more information on visiting Kanchanaburi; you can purchase inexpensive bus or mini-van tickets at many guesthouses, backpackers and travel agencies in Bangkok. On a more pleasant note, Kanchanaburi is a lovely town, and the region is definitely worth a visit for its more bucolic charms.

Click here to watch an episode of Gadling’s “Travel Talk” on Kanchanaburi.

[Photo credits: bridge, Flickr user David McKelvey; sign, Wikipedia Commons; train, Flickr user nova031]

Where Would You Travel Just to Eat?

It’s a question that comes up again and again. Even more so in the last few years, as the industrialized world seems to become food obsessed. Not just with eating in general but also where it comes from (is it local?) and how it’s grown. Our preoccupation with provenance is almost an existential crisis: it seems we have this growing need (no pun intended) to touch our food, to get closer to it, because technology is alienating us in an unprecedented way.

And so now, more than ever, we’re traveling just to satisfy that craving – a simple desire and a deeper one. Okay, this is getting way too serious. The point is, when I attended a couple food-centric events recently for the Lucky Rice Festival and the James Beard Awards, both in New York, I asked the participating chefs and mixologists the question: where would you travel just to eat? Not surprisingly many of them were looking to Japan and Spain for their inspiration.

Here’s how they all answered:

•Ted Allen, author of “In My Kitchen: 100 Recipes and Discoveries for Passionate Cooks
I’d go to Tokyo. I was there once – just for three days and I ate at a workingman’s place that was just great. It’s one of the world’s great cuisines.

•Chai Chaowasaree, chef/owner of Chai’s Island Bistro and Singha Thai Cuisine, Honolulu
New York. Wait! I think I’d go to Las Vegas. All the top chefs are there. I’ve been there over 100 times. The restaurant I would go to frequently was 808 but, sadly, it closed. I also really like eating at Joel Robuchon and Michael Mina’s place.

•Garrett Eagleton, the Beagle, New York City
Vietnam. It’s so different from anything else and I love pho. It would be a cheap and amazing food adventure.

•Vikram Garg, chef at Halekulani, Honolulu
That’s a very challenging question. I think I’d go to Spain. It’s all about the ingredients. Plus Spanish chefs are so progressive and so ahead of the time. In terms of where I’d go, I’d call up my chef friends – Ferran (Adria) and Jose Andres – and they’d tell me where I should go. It wouldn’t have to be Michelin-starred restaurants.

•Stephanie Izard, executive chef at Girl & the Goat, Chicago
India. I’m not exactly sure where I’d go but I’ve been reading a lot about Indian cuisine lately and it just sounds great.

•Matt Lambert, chef at Madame Geneva, New York City
I’d go to Bangkok. Specifically I’d eat at David Thompson’s place Nham. He’s doing some really special stuff over there, including reintroducing some heirloom vegetables to the Thai food landscape. He’s a really great chef.

•Joseph Lenn, chef at Blackberry Farm, Walland, TN
Spain. They’re doing some of the most creative food there right now. I’d check out Etxebarri, near San Sebastian, as well as Mugaritz.

•Paul Qui, executive chef at Uchiko, winner of “Top Chef Texas,” Austin
San Sebastian. It has the most Michelin-starred restaurants in Spain. I’d hit up Mugaritz and Arzak, for sure. I’m sad I wouldn’t be able to head down to elBulli anymore.

•Julie Reiner, mixologist at Lani Kai, New York City
Japan. I love Japanese food. It would be interesting to eat in such an authentic way. I think I’d eat mostly sushi.

•Steve Schneider, bartender at Macao Trading Co. and Employees Only, New York City
I’d go to Peru and eat anticuchos, a meat stew that a lot of slaves and Chinese laborers used to eat. I’d just eat this and at the same restaurant every day. It’s so good.

•Alan Wong, chef/owner of Alan Wong’s, Honolulu
Japan. Specifically, I’d go to Hakaido. I love it there. They actually have dairy there – milk and cheese – and it’s really good. The seafood is abundant. The ingredients and cuisine are very inspiring to me. I’d spend a lot of time at an onsen relaxing and eating.

•Roy Yamaguchi, chef/owner of Roy’s, multiple locations
Japan. I’d go to an onsen in Hakone, which is about an hour from Tokyo. I’d take a hot spring bath and then eat a meal based on all the fresh seasonal ingredients that are available.

Manhattan Project: The Rebranding Of Thai Cuisine

Thai cuisine is not very good. That is, if you live in the United States and you’ve never been to Thailand and the only opportunities you’ve had to eat it are at one of the many mediocre restaurants that exist here.

The first time I ate Thai – embarrassingly in my mid 20s when I was living in Los Angeles for a few months – it was something of a revelation. The combination of sweet, sour, spicy and salty flavors all conspired to taste like nothing I’d ever eaten before. But the more I ate Thai and the more that I learned about it and talked about it with food-loving friends, the more I realized how average most of the Thai restaurants are in the United States – particularly in Manhattan where I’ve been living most of the last decade.


In New York City, we’ve had to travel to Queens to get decent Thai food. Which is fine but somehow the borough of Manhattan (not to mention the Bronx, Staten Island and Brooklyn) have escaped good Thai – at least until recently.
In the last few years, a handful of Thai restaurants (albeit more expensive and, often, serving elevated takes on the cuisine) have fired up their burners and are serving, for the first time, inspired fare.

Kittichai was one of the first. Then came Rhong Tiam, which earned a Michelin star and thus an acknowledgment that things were changing on the Thai dining landscape in Manhattan. And now there’s Lotus of Siam, the import from Las Vegas (which many foodies had dubbed the best Thai restaurant in the country), Ngam, Zabb Elee, Betel and Kin Shop, to name a few.


Manning the stoves at Ngam is Hong Thaimee, a native of Chiang Mai and a former model. Chef Thaimee prepares traditional Thai as well as Siam-inspired takes on American comfort food. She infuses lemongrass in a burger and tops it with shredded papaya, for example. Or she puts massaman curry in a pot pie and covers it, not with a pie crust, but with a piece of roti bread.

Thaimee said one reason why quality Thai never took off in Manhattan is because of its association with cheapness. “Thai needs to be rebranded,” she said. “People think Thai is spicy and cheap. It’s like the new Chinese food and I hope to help elevate it out of this stereotype.”

Another new Thai restaurant to open in Manhattan recently is Kin Shop, Top Chef winner Harold Dieterle’s homage to Thai cuisine. “I started working in the city around 2002 and the Thai food scene was quite weak. I’m not trying to be rude about it, but the only real spots to get decent Thai food were in Queens. Manhattan was just full of mediocre takeout spots.”

And what does chef Dieterle attribute to this trend in better quality Thai cuisine in Manhattan?

“As people raise their expectations and learn more about the food and culture they’ve probably wanted to get dishes that are more representative of what Thai food really is.”

Jay Cheshes, food writer and restaurant critic for Time Out New York, has a slightly different take on it: “Even the top Thai cooks in New York have long kept the best stuff to themselves, afraid the most fiery funky dishes were just too much for western palates. At places like Zabb Elee in the East Village, though, that’s started to change. And with all the New York chefs exploring potent Thai flavors all of a sudden there’s no excuse for making do any more with generic pad Thai.”

Video: Climbing In Thailand

Unbeknownst to me prior to today, Eddie Bauer has a Vimeo channel complete with impressive adventure videos – including climbing shots. I happened upon the above video, which features climbers scaling walls in Thailand. The rock is jagged, steep and bolts out of the ocean. Oceanside climbing seems to be a bonus for these climbers, though. Part of this video shows the climbers falling, intentionally or unintentionally, into the teal waters beneath their climbing spots. I’m a little bit ashamed to say that I haven’t tried rock climbing yet. There are many purportedly excellent climbing locations in and around Austin. After watching this video, I think I’ll have to try it out. Next stop: Thailand!