For Helsinki, Design Week 50% longer

by Tom Johansmeyer on

Seven days just won’t work for those crazy Finns. These design-savvy northern Europeans thus had to stretch its design celebration to 10 days. From September 4, 2009 to September 13, 2009, Helsinki will host the Fifth Helsinki Design Week: Do Touch! With workshops, seminars and shopping, you can turn this into a hands-on experience. Don’t worry, the usual exhibitions, fashion shows and studio visits (some spaces normally closed to the public) will be available, too.

The primary exhibition will be at the Cable Factory, featuring designs from the Netherlands. At the same space, The New Draw will introduce nine young Finnish architecture offices that are celebrating a book launch. The Design Market will be home to dozens of vendors selling fashion to furniture on September 5 and 6.

The Open Studios show, on September 9 and 10, sounds most interesting. Creators will open the back doors to their workspaces, offering a rare look at how something goes from idea to product. This is the type of opportunity available only during design week.

While you’re in Helsinki, check out the doughnuts at Snellman’s by the harbor. It’s worth the trip.

Finnish trash cans talk back

by Tom Johansmeyer on

This summer, the garbage cans of Helsinki will have something to say … to you … in six languages. The strange people who brought you wife-carrying contests and team berry-picking (you just can’t make this stuff up) are happy to present the talking trash receptacle – which comes with a musical “thank you.” Nowhere else in the world is litter discouraged with such positive reinforcement. Maybe that’s why I didn’t see much trash on the ground when I was over there.

Last year at this time, Helsinki put four of these devices in the center of the city. They were so unbelievably successful that the Finns have doubled tripled down on the concept. Look for eight more of these contraptions in the Finnish capital this year. Simo Frangén, a popular Finnish TV personality, was kind enough to give his voice to the cause. The new trash cans will be located near Esplanadi, Senate Square, Sibelius Monument and Temppeliaukio Church.

These crazy devices will speak Finnish, Swedish, Japanese, English, German, Polish, and Russian.Also, some will provide fun musical sounds created by high school students from the Kruununhaka district of Helsinki as part of the Helsinki City Public Works youth campaign.”

Sit on an ant hill in Finland, win a prize

by Tom Johansmeyer on

What can’t you do in Finland? If traditional activities don’t scratch your bizarre itch, try to endure sweltering heat or hurling electronic devices. This country is home to the strangest “sporting events” you can imagine … and it’s enough to make me consider going back.

Throughout the year, you’ll find more than 40 weird contests, some titillating and others just plain freakish. I’ll pass on the World Sauna Championships, as sitting in a sweat box isn’t exactly a good time. My wife is probably thinking of trying the World Cell Phone Throwing Championships on my behalf (I can’t put the damned thing down, sometimes). Hay mowing contests don’t interest me, but I’d probably enjoy being a spectator at the topless winter jogging event … hey, at least nobody will need sunblock!

Yeah, there’s more.

Air guitar playing, swamp football and table-tapping challenges are hosted in this Scandinavian wonderland. Depending on your better half’s disposition, you can even try wife-carrying.

Check the calendar of events after the jump.

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Wife-Carrying: This occurs at Sonkajärvi, in eastern Finland. The contest dates back to 1992, though the tradition traces to the 19th century (if you can believe the locals). The world championships are held on July 3 and 4.

Mobile-Phone Throwing: Staged in Punkaharju, also in eastern Finland, show up on August 22 to throw an “official” cell phone as far as you can. In case you were worried, “there will be no doping tests. However the jury can rule out the contestant if his/her mental or physical preparedness is not adequate for full a performance.” I guess that means everyone.

Sauna Bathing Contest: Attend the 11th Sauna World Championships in Heinola, and you’ll get hot. It’s held on August 7 and 8, during which “competitors have to sit in the sauna with buttocks and thighs on the seat.” Wait, it gets better: “Posture must be erect [I bet!]; elbows must stay on the knees and arms have to be in an upright position. The competitor will have to leave the sauna without outside help; otherwise he/she will be disqualified.”

Air Guitar Playing: Your friends used to laugh at you … and they will again if they watch you at this unusual competition. You and other would-be rock stars will converge on Club Teatria in Oulu in northern Finland (where else would you find something like this?). If you aren’t ready for prime time, attend a training session, lecture or demonstration. (No, you can’t make this shit up.) The event runs from August 19 to 21.

Swamp Football: It is what it is. Go to Hyrynsalmi on July 17 and 18 and try to kick a soccer ball in the mud. There’s no offside rule, which clearly solves everything.

In case these aren’t eccentric enough for you, there are other choices: mosquito swatting, milking stool throwing and sitting on an ant’s nest. I really wish I were lying about this last one … I really do.

Sauna, rinse, repeat in a Finnish mokki

by Tom Johansmeyer on

Finland isn’t as cold as you’d expect, according to Trevor Corson in The Atlantic Monthly. It’s far enough north that, on this side of the ocean, you’d freeze your ass off on the best of days. But, thanks to the magic of the European climate, it feels a lot like Maine. It’s in this part of the country that the locals find the perfect vacation spot.

Nudity abounds, though of course behind closed doors. Find a mökki (really just a cottage), and spend your time sweating in the local sauna. Apparently, this is fun. It must be, because there are around half a million mökki in Finland – roughly one for every 10 people in the country.

There’s a catch … as there always is. Life in a mökki involves forsaking running water and electricity, and the manliest of men look forward to digging ditches. There’s more than just mileage, it seems, between the exclusive parties of Southampton and the Finnish recreational ideal.

The sauna aspect is something that I’ve never been able to understand. Extreme heat just doesn’t work for me, and when invited to partake of this ritual last summer, I declined (not as politely as I probably should have). But, the Finns swear by it, roasting their bodies and subsequently jumping naked into nearby lakes … rinsing before they repeat.

It’s not for me. Not only do I not hang out in sweat-boxes … I need the rhythms of the city to rock me to sleep.

Are you into this stuff? Not sure? Check out the video after the jump.

7 steps for surviving a destination wedding

by Tom Johansmeyer on

It always sounds like it’s going to be fun. Your friend is getting married somewhere exotic and has invited you to come along. What’s not to love? Really, everything. Destination weddings are recipes for disaster. They are even worse when it’s your spouse, boyfriend or girlfriend or family member who has the connection. Quickly, you find yourself surrounded by people who don’t interest you in an environment dominated by group activities.

It seems like there’s no way out. Just accept the fact that you’ll sit through many meals over several days with the same people. You’ll hear the same self-important douche hold forth over the mundane details of his unimportant life. Friends of the bride will jockey for favor in front of you. And, you’ll be somewhere incredibly interesting and unable to enjoy it … unless you follow my advice.

Before I get started, a few notes for anyone inclined to comment on this story:

  • Yes, I am lucky to be married, and no, you wouldn’t want to be married to me
  • I know you wouldn’t tolerate my behavior at your wedding
  • You’d probably kick me out (and I’d be fine with that)

Okay, my destination wedding survival tips are after the jump!
1. Become a smoker
If you aren’t a smoker yet, take up the filthy habit. It’s a great way to disappear for lengths of time that are entirely up to you. Everyone will be disgusted with you, but they probably would be anyway. So, now you have the chance to disappear for a while, and nobody will follow you because they think your habit is vile. It’s perfect! I happen to be a cigar smoker, which is even better. Nobody has any interest in coming near me, and one smoke buys me a minimum of 45 minutes of solitude.

This tactic becomes even more powerful when you combine it with one of the others, particularly bringing a book or being involved in work-related phone calls or e-mailing. These other activities give you something to do when you’re smoking. At the destination wedding I attended in Helsinki, I just called my father. When someone walked by, I put a panicked look on my face to make it look like work. I doubt anybody believed me, but I figured I got points for trying.

2. Don’t be afraid to piss off your spouse/partner
All it takes is one public argument to embarrass your reason for being at this event, and you will have a free pass for the rest of the trip. Why? There is nothing worse than fighting in front of people whose opinions matter to you. But, if you are dragged to the wedding at your partner’s behest, you have nothing to lose. One scuffle, and you can do what you want. You’ll be amazed at what your significant other will endure to avoid a public display of contempt.

You will have an unspoken strain permeating your relationship during the trip. The good news, however, is that you’ll be forgiven when you get home. Things that happen on the road tend to stay there. If you can handle a week of a mild discomfort, everything else is easy.

3. Bring something to read
This really is the apex of antisocial behavior. There is nothing quite like cracking open Mary Roach’s Spook during the wedding ceremony (funny that I can be guilty of this but not feel guilty at all). When you read at a gathering, you’re sending a pretty clear message. Nobody will bother you. They know to stay away.

Okay, since there’s no such thing as a free lunch, I’m going to suggest that you bring Best Sex Writing 2009 to the next destination wedding you’re forced to attend. There are several reasons for you to read this important work of non-fiction. First, there’s nothing like that four-letter word in a three-letter word’s body to offend everyone around you. It’s like cigar smoke on steroids. Next, actually reading the book will show you that there are many important issues regarding sexuality that should be explored. Finally, I have an essay in it. I’d like to have an essay in the 2010 volume (HINT, HINT, Rachel Kramer Bussel!).

4. Remember that you’re indispensable at work
Before I realized the power of the three tools above, I found myself at a rehearsal dinner (#1) without a cigars, (#2) while trying to keep my wife happy and (#3) sans book. Needless to say, this is the last time I let that happen while stuck at this wedding in Finland. So, I had to pretend that I was working on a critical problem for my employer … you know, the folks who “pay the bills.” It’s hard to say “no” to that! As I pecked away at my Blackberry, of course, my colleagues were getting incredibly annoyed. They actually had work to do.

For extra effect, call someone (anyone will do), and engage in some talk that sounds business-related. Then, end it with, “C’mon, man. I’m just trying to get away for a couple of days. Can’t you have [random name] handle it?” Pause, sigh and continue, “Yeah, I know it’s important. I’ll be available if you need me, but only if you need me.” Nobody will believe you (unless you’re a better liar than I am), but at least you’ll know you’ve tried to make an excuse.

Tip: If you’re phone doesn’t ring, answering it isn’t believable. So, pretend you got an e-mail asking you to call someone. Or, e-mail a co-worker and ask that he or she call you.

5. Argue with people, preferably family members of the bride or groom
If you are an awful conversationalist, nobody will want to talk to you. So, try to drive all discussions toward the big three: politics, religion and money. Make sure you are as contrarian as possible. Surrounded by conservatives? You just became a liberal! Bring up the lost promise of the Dukakis campaign. Take a stand, and make your point aggressively. Above all else, know that you are always right, and use that position of intellectual superiority to guide every interaction.

Now, you have to be careful with this one. If you are too pushy and rude, the whole thing will blow up in your face. Being left alone is a lot different from being banned from all activities. So, don’t raise your voice or insult anyone (directly). Just make it clear that you are never going to agree with whoever is stuck talking to you. Be dismissive. That way, you can poke your target without being overtly rude.

6. Avoid the shithead
You’ll always find at least one. At the last wedding I attended, there were several (one in particular was a douche with an internship who believed it mattered). Arguing with this guy (#5) will not cut your way. He’s an asshole, and because of his long ties to some schmuck involved with the wedding, he can get away with it. You can’t. Engaging this presence will only be trouble for you.

Avoid, avoid, avoid.

You’ll know who the asshole is within the first hour of the multi-day destination wedding experience. Avoid him at all costs. Run to the bathroom if you must, just to wait for the coast to clear. If he’s approaching, pull out your Blackberry and pretend you just got an urgent e-mail. Just get away, and stay away.

7. Choose what to skip
Especially for some psychotic brides, everything may be scripted. So, you could wind up staring down several days in a cool place with absolutely no freedom to explore what you want. That’s bullshit. You know it; I know it. Don’t treat the itinerary as mandatory. Feel free to blow off dinners or gatherings in order to go see or do what turns you on.

My first night in Helsinki, I skipped some quasi-bachelor party (I don’t do saunas, and they don’t do strippers) to explore the city’s art galleries. It was the best night of my trip. Sure, I got some grief for not being a “team player,” but I didn’t care. I was actually happy.

Remember, ev
ery day is a struggle to preserve your sanity.

Don’t step off the plane planning to enjoy yourself. That’s not why you’re attending the destination wedding. Instead, develop little tactics for extracting what pleasure you can from the experience without damaging any relationships irreparably.

You won’t be happy, and you aren’t going to make anybody happy. Don’t try: just get by.

[Photos from Migrant Blogger]