Given what skinflints the airlines have become, this 2007 skit from Mad TV looks prescient, as if it knew that things were about to become pretty ridiculous for air travelers.
Can things get worse?
AirTran cuts flights to VT, nobody cares
When AirTran‘s first flight touched down in Burlington almost a year ago, the airline’s director for strategic planning and scheduling, John Kirby, said, “This is going to be a home run.” I guess that didn’t work out.
It didn’t even last a year. AirTran’s nonstop service between Burlington, VT and the Washington, D.C. area is now but a memory “seasonal.” The route will now be serviced for around four months a year. The airline cites the economy as the reason it halted flights in early September. Flights to and from Baltimore are expected to resume in April or May 2010. Last year, 5.5 percent of passengers flying out of Burlington did so on AirTran.
Well, I guess it really isn’t “seasonal” after all. AirTran’s decision to run flights from May to August – with the possibility of April and September – seems to overlook the fact that ski season is the state’s big draw.
All hope is not lost, though. Burlington International’s airport director, Brian Searles, says the airport is in discussions with AirTran in the hopes of returning year-round service to the city. Vermont politicians, including Governor Jim Douglas and Senator Patrick Leahy have been getting in on the action as well. With AirTran’s $273.8 million loss last year, it seems these guys are wasting their breath.
42 million bags mishandled, more than 1 million lost for good
Airlines around the world now have their incompetence measured! The same companies that get irritated when you try to carry on everything you own mishandled (i.e., lost) 42 million pieces of luggage in 2007, according to the Air Transport Users Council (AUC). This is an unbelievable increase from the 2006 level of 34 million and 30 million in 2005. Making matters worse, 1.2 million were “irretrievably lost” in 2007.
Not only are the raw numbers increasing, the rate of stupidity is accelerating. The amount of mishandled luggage grew 13.3 percent from 2005 to 2006. From 2006 to 2007, it sped up to 25.3 percent. Clearly, the airlines are getting better at being worse.
But, why should we dwell on the past when we can fear for the future instead? AUC worries that the number of bags mishandled could reach 70 million a year by 2019, based on forecasts of a 100 percent increase in the number of passengers flying annually over the coming decade.
With all this mayhem, there’s one thing you can count on: not being reimbursed fairly for your lost bags. The AUC says that passengers were not compensated appropriately “on too many occasions” because they did not have receipts for the items inside. Let this be a lesson to you. When you buy that new shirt, put the receipt in your suitcase – likewise for your hat, gloves, shoes and cell phone. This is clearly the only place where you’ll need them.
Oh, wait! Don’t put the receipts in your suitcase! Your suitcase will probably get lost! Stash them in your favorite carry-on instead.
Earn your exit row seat, prove you can save lives
I look at the exit row as relief. When you’re staring down a short hop from New York to Boston or a long trans-Atlantic haul, that extra space boosts everything from comfort to morale. Once upon a time, luck was enough to land you one of these treasured spaces, but the brutality of the market has made the exit row a spot for the elite, such as frequent fliers who, for some reason, weren’t able to get the upgrade to the big time. Or, they go to passengers willing to shell out a few extra dollars for several hours of privilege.
Of course, this seat comes with an obligation. You have to be ready to assist the cabin crew if all hell breaks loose. This concept used to be academic, but it only took a landing on the Hudson River to remind us just how serious this role can be.
So, could you pull the trigger? Do you have what it takes to perform under pressure?
Passengers are starting to pay more attention to the card in the seat pouch and the additional briefing from the flight attendants. Full disclosure – I was lucky enough to grab an exit row on my trip to Madrid last month, and I read the card twice. I did the same thing on the way home, thanks to the fatality-free crash at London’s City Airport.
But, that’s not enough to tell if I would have the strength and presence of mind to haul a 50 lb. door out of the way.
One extreme view is to put together a mockup of an emergency exit door and encourage people to test their skills before claiming the extra-legroom prize. I say, why stop there? If you can’t navigate an airport like O.J. Simpson, maybe you should take that middle row toward the back of the plane.
For everyone else, I propose “the gauntlet.”It would start with a sprint through the security gate – x-ray machines be damned! You have to get past several TSA workers, but they won’t be working too hard. This is your warm-up. Next, a diving roll past a Sbarro is in order, and you must pick up a slice with sausage and pepperoni along the way … but you can’t eat it until you’ve sprinted by three gates.
This is nothing, though.
After picking up and paying for a USA Today with exact change (don’t forget your receipt!), you’ll face the proposed emergency exit door mockup. Yank the hefty door out of the way, trigger a life raft and fill your life vest … at the same time. Then, show that you can put an oxygen mask on a screaming toddler while sipping (and enjoying) some airline coffee with your left hand.
If you can do all this, perhaps, you deserve your spot on the exit row. But, you still won’t earn the good wishes of the rest of us. Nothing bets having the extra legroom.
As we stop flying, the boneyard becomes more crowded
It is no secret that air travel is in a downwards spiral. The industry always manages to find excuses, it could be the crappy economy, high fuel prices, or a general sense of panic that is keeping people from flying.
And when air traffic drops, so does the demand for many of the planes operated by the airlines. When a route could once be served by a 747, low traffic may now demand a smaller plane, and when a 747 is idle, you can’t just pull into a parking spot at the local airport and throw some quarters in the meter.
There are several types of aircraft boneyards in the world – some specialize in ripping all the valuable parts out of the carcass, others devote their knowledge to preparing the plane for a long break, awaiting the return of paying passengers.
A plane that is destined for a long break will have all its fluids removed, as well as some instruments that don’t do too well when they sit still. The engines and other openings are then blocked, and the airline simply pays for the spot. Some airlines even pay to have the plane moved around a little, to keep the tires in good shape.
In total, 1200 planes were grounded and moved to the boneyard last year, with an additional 675 heading to a parking spot this year, making it one of the worst on record.