Ten clear signs you’re in the wrong city for Christmas

Christmastime is a special time for Christians, and also for non-Christians who don’t mind the excuse to decorate, eat, and exchange presents. One of the main chagrins of perpetual travelers is that they often find themselves in the wrong city for Christmas. Being away from family is one thing, but sometimes, December 25 can roll by without feeling like a “real Christmas” at all. I feel weird even celebrating sans snow.

I understand that not all Gadling readers observe the Christmas holiday, but I do, and this is for those of you who do, too — and who knows? Maybe even some people who don’t celebrate Christmas can appreciate this article in the spirit in which it was intended: lightheartedly. Here are 10 clear signs you’re in the wrong city for Christmas.

You know you’re in the wrong city for Christmas when…

  1. The only smell of pine is coming from the cardboard “freshening” apparatus dangling from your cab driver’s rear-view mirror.
  2. When someone says “Merry Christmas” or “Happy Holidays” to you, you feel insecure about not blending in well enough.
  3. You at any point attempt to decorate a palm tree.
  4. None of the shopkeepers seem to understand your impulse to “decorate” a cookie (and they certainly don’t know where you can get some of those delicious non-edible silver dragees).
  5. The only Christmas tree you can procure is below waist-high.
  6. Friends brutally mock you for having believed in Santa Claus ever, like, even if it was over 30 years ago.
  7. You at any point attempt to hang ornaments on something that isn’t a tree (or the friend who mocked you).
  8. You can look around and feel certain that not one person in your vicinity knows the trials and tribulations of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.
  9. You forgo inviting friends over for a few days because you don’t know how they’ll react to the oversized socks hanging from your fireplace.
  10. Every time you think you see a nativity scene, it turns out to just be a manger with people around it.

Got more ideas? Put ’em in the comments below, we want to hear!

[Photo by avlxyz via Flickr.]

A Single Square of Christmas

“Here,” she gestured. “Try this,” and I opened my mouth. The chocolate landed on my tongue and began to melt. It was unlike anything I’d ever tasted. It reminded me of the carob chips foisted upon me during my mother’s hippy stage. It was also a bit like the Hershey’s Special Dark miniatures I always traded for my sister’s Mr. Goodbars at Halloween. But this chocolate was definitely a distant cousin to the more familiar wrapped in silver or covering a mixture of peanuts, caramel, and nougat. I was in heaven.

“What is it?” I mumbled around the square melting on my tongue.

“That is what Cadbury’s calls a bittersweet. I think it tastes just like Christmas.”

And with that, my friend Tan’s grandmother wrestled off the tin’s lid and brandished another chocolate like it was pirate’s treasure. “Ah, this one’s a caramel. Go on, try it. It’s gorgeous.”

Cadbury’s? The makers of those heinous chocolate eggs filled with sugary goo and made to mimic real chicken eggs? That Cadbury’s? I was incredulous. And the tin can? The only thing I’d ever seen sold in a tin can that size was the popcorn trifecta sold by the Boy Scouts. Never had I witnessed such an assortment of chocolate in one place. This was certainly no drug store Whitman’s Sampler, the likes of which my mother had been tucking into my Christmas stocking for as long as I could remember. Christmas always included many variations of chocolate in my childhood home, but I had never celebrated Christmas with a taste quite like this.

I sat there that Christmas Eve, on a stranger’s floral couch, happily savoring each chocolate that Gran handed me. Periodically, she’d find a new flavor and tell me a bit of a story such as the first time she tasted a raspberry-filled, prefaced with “isn’t it lovely, dear?” But most of that time was spent in a chocolate- and silence-filled companionship. I’m not sure what filled Gran’s thoughts, but mine circled about what I had blithely left behind in Oregon.

The time came for us to bundle against the cold and walk to Midnight Mass. I’d never been to a Christmas Eve service anywhere before, and I approached that service with the attitude of a scientist. That night I would sit among believers and witness their hullabaloo. I certainly doubted the experience would have any impact on my agnostic self.

And yet, twenty years later, I can still hear the crunch of snow beneath my shoes and feel the wind bite at my neck as it snaked its way beneath my collar. It was a short walk through the village from Tan’s house to the church, but it was a cold one. Not much slows the wind across England, and Oxford’s distant towers and spires certainly offered no resistance to that winter storm. I was sniffling with the cold by the time I took my seat on that worn pew, snuggled between my college friend and a neighbor who smelled of damp wool and cough drops.

That is what Cadbury’s calls a bittersweet. I think it tastes just like Christmas.

I have but a vague recollection of the minister’s homily. But I do remember the terrible weight of homesickness that fell upon me for the first time ever. Sitting there, the lone foreigner in that small stone church, hearing about family and love, I suddenly wanted the Christmas I knew my family was having without me. I wanted snickerdoodles and Russian teacakes, a Douglas fir covered in both glass and hand-made ornaments, giggling siblings. I wanted to gather the ingredients for my mom’s fudge, pull out the stained recipe card, and butter the dented baking dish. I wanted the same Christmas traditions I’d been celebrating for as long as I could remember but couldn’t remember ever really thinking about. Suddenly, the 5,000 miles between us made me hunger for my family’s Christmas — something I couldn’t purchase regardless of my Visa card’s available credit limit.

That night, lying in my borrowed bed, paid for with household tasks and stories of Americana, I ached for my family back home in Oregon. For nearly five months, my only contact with them had been letters written on paper so thin it barely held the words together. But more than time zones and miles separated us. I was on an adventure and they were back where I’d left them.

When I headed off to college, I left small-town Oregon with barely a backward glance in my 1980 Chevy Chevette’s rear-view mirror. And I had just kept going, looking instead toward all the things I knew must be out there, since they certainly weren’t back home. I had come from a life of powdered cheese in a green can and house-brand semi-sweet baking chips and what I wanted was a block of real Parmesan and Guittard chocolates. Getting at least a taste of that life was what mattered most to me. Even this trip to the United Kingdom had been preceded by simply a phone call to my mother, “Mom, I’ve been accepted to study abroad in England and if I can figure out the money thing, I’m going.” I hadn’t even considered how my absence would impact them.

As much as I loved my family, I wanted more. I knew there was a world out there far removed from what a life with an Oregon logger would offer me — I’d been reading about it for years in the books and travel magazines that the county bookmobile brought me every few weeks. Over the years, I had developed a taste for the exotic that the comforting food of home couldn’t satiate.

Before Christmas, I had heard my mother’s voice exactly three times since finding out firsthand if Pan Am really was “flying better than ever” back in August of 1989. Once when I let them know I had safely arrived in Carmarthen and again when they called to sing me a “Happy 21st Birthday!” And then, not quite two weeks before, as I headed off on my Christmas holiday, I had gathered a pile of coins on the shelf of a red phone booth. Starting with several pound coins, I fed the phone and dialed home. After just a few pleasantries, the phone demanded more coins. The conversation quickly became a series of jangling clinks and pauses. Finally, I loaded the last of my coins and shouted rapid-fire, “I love you all so much. I’ll call again as soon as I can!” My family was shouting back “Love you!” when the dial tone cut them off.

Christmas morning arrived with clear blue skies and much yelling and laughing between Tan and her family. As we gathered in the living room, Tan donned her best Santa Claus techniques and doled out the loot beneath the tree. I was embarrassed to see her family had wrapped some small items for me. Her mom just smiled as I became more and more flustered that I hadn’t given them all individual gifts. “Oh, it’s all right, dear. Everyone should have a little something to open on Christmas morning.”

Later, after polishing off the Yorkshire pudding and marzipan, Gran gestured to me. “Would ya like to phone yer mum? I’m sure she’d be happy ta hear from ya. And don’t ye worry about paying fer it neither, it’s Christmas after all.” My unexpected tears made it a bit difficult to see while I dialed the phone, but I managed. I held my breath until my mother’s voice came on the line. Right then, I wanted to hear her voice more than anything I’d ever thought to put on a Christmas wish list.

Standing in the hallway, I glanced at the mirror hanging above the telephone table as I spoke to first one parent, then the other. Reflecting back at me was the same dark hair, the same green eyes. But I seemed different and it wasn’t just the tear streaks on my cheeks as I struggled to hide from my parents just how much I missed them. Then my grandmother’s voice scratched its way into my ear.

“Merry Christmas! How are you dear? Doesn’t seem like Christmas without you making fudge like you always do. Are you having a great time? What kinds of things are you getting to see?” She punctuated her questions with her familiar smoker’s hack and sips of coffee.

“Grandma, it is beautiful here. Oxford is just amazing — I even got to sit in one of the private dining halls. Grandma, there are these dents worn into the benches from people’s behinds sitting in the same places for hundreds of years. There’s just so much history here, it’s amazing.” My voice trailed off as my enthusiasm wore itself out.

“Grandma, I miss you guys. I hope you have a really wonderful Christmas.” My voice cracked before I could add, “Without me.”

“Oh, little missy. I hear those tears. You’re just the same as your mom, acting like you don’t miss one another terribly. You know, that’s what Christmas is all about, appreciating the folks who make this life worth living. Christmas is about the easy and the hard parts of life.”

After I said my goodbyes and rang off, I waited to return to the living room until I scraped my face dry with my sleeve. Hearing my family’s voices had made the day finally feel like Christmas. The kaleidoscope of Christmases in my mind’s eye, how I had celebrated in the past and how I hoped to celebrate in the future, all came together. Christmas finally connected the spectrum of where I came from with where I hoped to end up.

When I sat back down next to Gran, she handed me a small, wrapped package not quite the size of a matchbox, but thicker. Raising my eyebrows, I looked at her. She waved her hand, “Such a little thing, Tan must have missed it under the tree.”

Inside was a single square of bittersweet chocolate. It may not have been a Whitman’s Sampler, but it would do.

Christmas list: five things I want from the airlines

‘Tis the season, right? Regardless of beliefs, we’re all secretly wishing for something, even if we’re not hoping for a big fat guy to slide down a slim chimney to deliver it. And, I don’t think I’m unusual in having my own list of wishes. I’m not so naïve as to think the airline industry will turn my Christmas list into its New Year’s resolutions, but I can always dare to dream!

So, here it is – air travel industry, take note. I want five things I want for Christmas.

1. Name change: stop calling me a passenger, and start calling me a customer. I know, I know … I’ve asked for this before. Pay attention: I’m still asking for it. Without me – and a lot of people like me – you wouldn’t have had such a fantastically profitable year in 2010. Don’t get me wrong: I’m not begrudging you the profits. In fact, I want you to be profitable (I am a capitalist after all). Just show me that you realize I’m the guy spending, and extend this courtesy to everyone else who does.

2. Be realistic: I know there are some things you can’t control, such as weather and the TSA. But, there are plenty of ways you can improve. Take a long, hard look at your operations, and make some tough decisions. It’s not easy to admit your shortcomings, but in the end, doing so will benefit everybody (even you).
3. Add a clause: every frequent traveler has heard it said by a flight attendant: “Our primary job is safety.” We know this … good god, do we know this. I’m asking for a simple statement to be appended to that: “but we’re also committed to service.” Now, put it all together:

“Our primary job is safety, but we’re also committed to service.”

That sounds incredible. I could definitely get on board with that kind of thinking. And what does it cost the average flight attendant? Six extra words. The whole thing could be pushed out on Twitter, with plenty of room for hashtags and retweetin!

4. Leg room: okay, I know I’m getting greedy on this one, but I’d really love a little more. I’m not a tall guy, and I still feel cramped.

5. More a la carte pricing: maybe I’m the only guy out there who’s a fan of getting nickel and dimed … but I like choosing which nickels and dimes. I’d much rather pay only for what I use. Let the other guy pay for his own damned sandwich.

[photo by morberg via Flickr]

Christmas in Hawaii: 5 steps to surviving the holidays alone on an island

As a New Englander, it’s hard to imagine Christmas without snow and bitter cold. Almost. There’s something to be said for a “white Christmas”, but there’s also something to be said for Mai Tai’s on the beach in Hawaii. There’s nothing like pine trees draped in snow; then again, there’s something great about a Christmas tree standing between two palm trees and tiki torches.

When I first told people I was going to Hawaii for Christmas I was flooded with concerned responses.

“Alone?”
“By yourself?”
“Are you suuuuure?”

My response to each question was a resounding “Yes.” I was going to Hawaii – L’anai to be exact – for 10 days, part of which would spend on hotel reviews and the other half would be a much-needed vacation. It was an end of the year gift to myself on a Hawaiian island so small, most people don’t even know it exists.

I arrived on L’anai via ferry from Maui and was immediately escorted by hotel shuttle to the Four Seasons L’anai, Manele Bay. There are three hotels on the island: two Four Seasons hotels, and one 10-room inn, Hotel L’anai. Within seconds I realized why everyone was so intrigued by my solo travel plans to Hawaii: there is no “party of one” here. Amid the honeymooners and families – and one huge corporate event – there was me. I suddenly became determined to rid everyone of the stigma associated with traveling alone. I’m not depressed, dumped or recently divorced – I just want a vacation.

So, how does a solo traveler enjoy the holidays alone on one of the most secluded and romantic islands in the states? Easy.1. Don’t think of it as ‘alone’, think of it as ‘on holiday without everyone else.’ Back home they are layered in scarves and mittens, fighting over who sits where around the dinner table, and packing in last-minute shopping at the overcrowded malls. You’re sitting on a beach with a cocktail and someone else is do the cooking (tip: The Ocean Grill at Four Season’s Manele Bay makes a great burger!). Enjoy.

2. Request a corner room or room far away from the center of the hotel. This will ensure a little more quiet and you won’t be in the middle of honeymoon and family vacation traffic. If possible, get a room with a balcony. Some of my best moments so far on this trip have been enjoying a morning cup of coffee on my balcony at Manele Bay watching the sunrise over the Hawaiian islands.

3. Choose a hotel with plenty of on-site options and connections to the community. At some point, you’ll want more than the beach. On L’anai, the Four Seasons has two resorts: a beach resort (Manele) and a mountain resort (Koele). Guests of either hotel have access to the other hotel and its activities. I’ve been horseback riding through the mountains, hiking on some of the most beautiful trails, and attended an art show, all thanks to the connections of the hotel.

4. Make friends with the locals. Cliche as it may seem, making friends with the locals can be the difference between feeling sorry for yourself and belting out Journey’s “Separate Ways” and an all-night karaoke bar (not that I’ve done that, mind you). While on L’anai, make sure you stop by Hotel L’anai for their live band every Friday night. It’s the best on the island, and because you’re family when you walk in, you can spend all night at your table just enjoying the music (and likely sharing a glass of wine with the owners). Tip: Stay for dinner and order the truffled mac-and-cheese, venison or filet. The comfort food of this grill won’t let you down.

5. Find a volunteer opportunity and donate your time. No matter where you choose to spend your holiday, there’s a soup kitchen, senior center or shelter that needs your support. Ask the hotel for a local volunteer group contact, or connect with the visitors center in the area to learn about volunteer opportunities. This year, I’ll be handing out “wish gifts” to children on L’anai and serving breakfast Christmas morning at the local senior center. There’s no gift greater than a smile you receive from those you’re helping. Their gratitude will make you forget you’re flying solo for the holidays – in fact, you’ll feel as if you’ve just inherited a family.

Lastly, don’t forget to unwrap something for yourself on Christmas morning. As one friend once said to me, “Even if it’s a new toothbrush, it counts as something to open!” Wrap a small gift to yourself and tuck it your suitcase. Whether it’s a scarf you purchased on your last trip, a pair of earrings you forgot you owned, or a new book you’ve been waiting to read, you’ll find a simple joy in unwrapping a present to yourself. And in the event you forget to give yourself a gift, never fear: at least you have a new toothbrush.

Aloha from Hawaii!

Galley Gossip: Snow globes, gifts, packing – just a few tips for travelers this Christmas

1. LEAVE THE SNOW GLOBE AT HOME: This time last year I asked a TSA agent in Dallas about the craziest thing he’d ever seen. I won’t lie, the answer shocked me, which is why I won’t repeat it here. Then he then went on to complain about the number of snow globes he’d collected. For the last few years snow globes have been on the list of banned carry-on items due to the fact that they contain an undetermined amount of liquid, yet based on the number confiscated last year many people seem to have not gotten the message. If you really just can’t leave home without it, pack it in your suitcase and check the bag.

2. SHIP THE PRESENTS: It might be too late to ship your gifts to wherever you’re spending Christmas this year, but before your return flight home you might want to make a quick stop at Fed Ex. Last year on one of my flights a passenger came on board at the last minute carrying a gigantic toy train in an unwrapped box. The overhead bins were full, so there was no place to stow it. Unfortunately we had no choice but to check the train. (I hope it made it to its final destination.)

3. DO NOT WRAP THE GIFTS: Unless of course you don’t mind TSA unwrapping them to take a look inside. Wrapped gifts packed inside checked luggage are fine.4. PACK LIGHT – Trust me, there’s going to be a washer and dryer wherever you end up. Take advantage of it. By doing so you’ll be able to carry your bag on board with you and not risk having it get lost in transit. You’ll also have the perfect excuse as to why you can’t take all that crap stuff your mother in law is trying to get rid of back home with you. It also forces people to buy smaller gifts.

5. GET TO THE AIRPORT EARLY: Stress makes air travel miserable, and nothing can be more stressful than running late. Remember it’s amateur week this week. Everyone and their grandma is traveling, so the lines at security are going to be long. Do yourself a favor and get to the airport early and this way you’ll be less inclined to flip out while passengers determine what goes through the machine or how to collapse the stroller.

6. BRING FOOD / BUY WATER: I’m surprised how many people don’t know it’s okay to bring food through security. Or how many people assume there’s an unlimited supply of bottled water on board. Air travel is not unlike being on the television show Survivor. It’s important to plan ahead and take care of your most basic needs. You never know when there’s going to be a mechanical, weather delay or even an ATC (air traffic control) hold in the air.

For more tips, check this out: Ticket Agents Advise Holiday Travelers to “Be Prepared”

Photo courtesy of The Killer Biscuit