Former flight attendant feels overwhelmed and tubby

by Tom Johansmeyer on

During a visit at the Queens Criminal Court to report on his substance abuse treatment progress, former JetBlue flight attendant Steven Slater said, “I am a little overwhelmed.” He added, “I’m trying to stay focused and organized and keeping my priorities straight,” according to the NY Post.

The former flight attendant was ordered into counseling as part of a plea agreement to two counts of criminal mischief. He also lost his job and has agreed to pay JetBlue $10,000 to replace the chute he used to slide to freedom after an altercation with a passenger. There’s been no indication of whether he has to reimburse the airline for the Blue Moon beer he took with him.

The judge advised that Slater not “get worn out with all your activities” and suggested that he “have a good holiday season.”

Outside the courthouse, a photographer paid Slater a compliment on his appearance, but the latter didn’t agree, saying, “I need to lose 25 pounds.”

Ryanair insanity: Captain Morgan suggests mutiny, ordered to Lithuania

by Tom Johansmeyer on

If I could make this stuff up, I’d become a novelist. Seriously.

Captain Morgan Fischer, a pilot with Ryanair, decided to try out the type of stunt for which his boss, Michael O’Leary, is famous. And, he learned what happens when you tangle with a master media whore.

Apparently implying that O’Leary is a moron, Fischer took public issue with the company CEO’s notion that a co-pilot could be swapped out with a flight attendant. So, he suggested that O’Leary be replaced with someone from that pool of employees, specifically a “probationary cabin crew member currently earning €13,200 a year.”

I’m starting to believe that O’Leary is thin-skinned.

After taking a potshot at the Ryanair top dog, any hope Captain Morgan had of landing someplace warm was dashed. Rather, according to the Guardian, he “was offered a transfer to Kaunas in Lithuania after Ryanair announced the closure of operations in Marseille, where the pilot is based.”

Keep in mind that Fischer, an American, is “embroiled in a contractual dispute with the airline and, according to Ryanair, did not submit a request for a reassignment destination.” Unlike the other pilots in his situation, he won’t be able to score a new spot in a place like Spain, Portugal or Italy.

There’s a bit of extra significance here, because “Kaunas is considered Siberia for Ryanair pilots.” That only leaves one question: is Ryanair considered Siberia for pilots at other airlines?

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[photo by MarkScottAustinTX via Flickr]

Dog bites passenger and flight attendant, forces US Airways landing in Pittsburgh

by Tom Johansmeyer on

Mandy is one tough bitch.

On US Airways Flight 522 from Newark to Phoenix, this 12-pound Manchester terrier busted out of its cage. You would have too … if the drugs had worn off. With no more sedatives in her system, Mandy bit a man sitting next to her 89-year-old owner. Then, the dog shot up and down the aisle, also biting a flight attendant, according to the NY Post.

As a result of this mutt’s mayhem, an emergency landing in Pittsburgh became necessary. Mandy and her owner didn’t get back on, though. They were moved to a different flight.

[photo by crossfirecw via Flickr]

Fat flight attendants welcomed back to Air India, but only if thinner

by Tom Johansmeyer on

The cringe-worthy debate over larger fliers has generally been limited to passengers, and it looks like that’s where it will remain. Over the summer, it looked as though flight attendants were being brought into the cross-hairs, when Air India fired several for being too fat. Well, the carrier is willing to forgive and forget … as long as the ladies have slimmed down a bit.

According to The Globe and Mail, Air India is “inviting them back,” it says of the plus-sized flight attendants, “because of a shortage of cabin crew.” There’s only one catch: they have to have shed some pounds. The airline doesn’t want those who haven’t taken steps to remedy the causes of their termination.

So, the airline’s message seems to be, “We really need your help, but only if you aren’t too fat. The shortage isn’t that bad.”

What I want to know is if Air India is offering a relocation package. There are some hotties in Mexico who are looking for work in the sky.

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[photo by BriYYZ via Flickr]

Zagat survey: five ways customers say they hate airlines … in their own words

by Tom Johansmeyer on

It’s almost sport for customers to describe how much they hate airlines. Sure, there are a few that do well from time to time, occasionally delivering high levels of service or eschewing ancillary fees. But, the overwhelming trend tends to be one of customer dissatisfaction.

Zagat, which is in the business of measuring and publishing value and taste, has taken a shot defining the highs and lows of the airline business, and the results aren’t all that positive. Well, let’s be frank: there’s nothing pleasant about flying.

The survey results aren’t all that shocking, and you can get them here from Zagat. What’s more fun is the stuff Zagat wouldn’t print … on the advice of its lawyers, the company announcement claims with an implied smirk.

How bad can it be? Let’s look at five insights from the Zagat airline survey … with customer claws bared in all their gory glory:1. Akin to an execution: Zagat’s surveyors seemed to spend a lot of time talking about death. One noted, “The only thing missing is a blindfold and a cigarette.” Another said, “At least they haven’t killed me yet.” Get the message? In case you don’t, one called air travel, “A violation of the Geneva Convention.”

2. Service with a scowl: again, it’s not much of a shock that customer service didn’t score all that high. One surveyor summed it up: “Unwelcome aboard!” But, if you think that’s the most creative, you’re out of your mind. I did enjoy the comment, “My bags get better service, but they pay extra.” Nothing, however, beats one disgruntled contributor who asked, “Who made them mad at their customers?”

3. Not even money can buy you happiness: do you think the rich have it better? Well, not in the skies they don’t! According to one Zagat surveyor, “The only difference between economy and business classes is a shrimp on your salad.”

4. Training is key: and this is what led one to muse, “Flight attendants seem to have trained with Frau Blucher.” Yes, but what instruction guide was used? That’s where another chimed in: “Staff must use Orwell’s 1984 as a training manual.” Ouch.

5. Get comfortable? Get real: the fact that passengers don’t get a lot of space didn’t escape notice. One surveyor says, “I don’t love getting up-close-and-personal with the head of the person in front of me.” Notes another, “Seats make an iron maiden seem comfortable.” It gets worse: “Like a cattle car, except the cows are mercifully slaughtered at trip’s end.”

[photo by joiseyshowaa via Flickr]