Galley Gossip: Naked on a plane – everything you ever wanted to know, and more…

by Heather Poole on

I can’t remember the precise destination we were working, but what I do remember was the shocked look on my coworkers face when he came running up to the first class galley and exclaimed, “There’s a naked woman in coach!”

“What!” two of us cried in unison.

Needless to say, the breakfast service was now on hold. How could we serve bagels when there was a nekkid lady aboard the flight? Into the oven the bread went, and off and running we went, ignoring any passengers who may have tried to wave us down as we headed straight to the the back of the airplane, a blur of four dressed in blue.

“There she is. The last row,” said one of my coworkers as we neared the last row.

“Oh my god,” I remember thinking, or saying, I can’t remember, it was just too crazy to remember. What I do remember is she was young, cute, and naked. College aged, I’d say.

Now this was pre 9/11, so the flight was empty, and the thought of terrorists were the furthest from our minds. The only thing on our minds, besides this naked lady, was why in the world the lady would get naked on the airplane in the first place? Unfortunately, we would never find out.

Quietly the young woman sat in her seat with the seat belt buckled across her…umm…naked…lap, and smiled. I think I may have smiled back, but in all honesty, I can’t remember. I mean we’re talking naked lady here!

The one not wearing clothes had decided to take it all off right after she exited the lavatory, which was right after the flight attendants in coach had pulled the beverage cart up to the front of the coach cabin. Totally naked, as in one hundred percent nude, she sat down in the last row, which was where she continued to sit, naked and alone, until the flight attendants rolled the cart back to her seat. I’m sure there was quite a loud gasp from the one placing a napkin on the tray table when he realized what it was that hid behind the table.

“Ma’am, you need to put your clothes back on!” demanded one of my coworkers.

We all stood there, hovering over the woman and nodding in agreement. Never in a thousand years would I have ever dreamed I’d be listening to a coworker ordering a passenger to get dressed. To help open an emergency exit, maybe. To put on a pair of panties, never.

Each of us tried to coax the woman back into her clothes, but she wasn’t having it, not when she had other things in mind, like returning to her original seat. Which normally would be fine. However climbing over the seats, three rows of them, naked, was not fine.

Now that wasn’t my only naked passenger experience. Thirteen years ago when I worked for Sunjet, a low cost carrier, an elderly woman decided to take off all of her clothes and then she decided to get off the “bus” by trying to open the emergency exit in flight. This, of course, scared the heck out of the passengers seated nearby, who watched in horror as she pulled on the door, a door that can not be opened, no matter how hard one tries, in flight.

Why all this talk about naked passengers? Iva Skoch’s post, Passenger strips nude, tries to open emergency exit, led me to start writing about my own personal experiences, which in turn led to a little research on flying nude, which has resulted in an awful lot of information about flying in the buff.

Obviously, the passengers mentioned above weren’t exactly…well…they just weren’t well! I mean normal people, at least the normal people I know, don’t take it all off on a flight. But for those of you who are…umm…well…and actually interested in stripping down at 35,000 feet, you can do so one of two ways. Apparently flying “the way god intended” is all the rage in Germany right now. But if you can’t get to Germany, you can hope and pray that Naked Air takes off again, like they did in 2003, and then you, too, can take it all off after take off.

WAIT….before you click the following link to visit the Naked Air Website, please be aware that there are nude photos on the site, very disturbing nude photos of naked people, naked people who should probably not be naked, based on the way they look naked – except for sneakers – on an airplane. Remember, you were warned. Now GO!

For those of you still with me, you may have a couple questions, like I did when I first realized this kind of thing was actually going on. (Someone please tell me why it is going on?) Below are a few questions and answers I pulled from the Naked Air website…

What about the flight crew and attendants…were they naked too? No… they can’t be. The pilots and the flight crew will remain dressed as they always do. We need to remember that the flight crew and attendants have a serious job to do… and that’s to get us to our destination safely.

Hot coffee on a nude flight? …Ouch! For that reason we did not offer hot beverages on the flight, but we did have appropriate snacks and beverage service for the time of day that we traveled.

Hey…everyone was naked…hmm…could they do whatever they want? The Naked-Air nude flight was exactly what it were advertised as… a chance to fly nude and make a little history in the process. The flight was a lot of fun to be sure… but any sexually suggestive behavior or advances to any other passengers would have been inappropriate for this flight, and absolutely forbidden. This rule was well known by all of our passengers in advance of booking would have been strictly enforced, if necessary… but it wasn’t. Nudists are nude… not lewd!

Did everyone have to get naked before they got on the plane? NO, because everybody knows that it’s way too cold in the terminal building. Seriously… the basic rules were that all passengers did the check-in, went to the gate, boarded the plane just like any other flight. It’s only after the plane took off and reached cruising altitude that the rules changed. Once cruising altitude was reached all the passengers were then free to get out of their clothing.

So what about hygiene and things like that? If you have ever been to a nudist or naturist resort or gathering, you would know that the one item that you are to have with you at all times, is a towel to sit on. This flight was no different. We provided special commemorative towels for that purpose, We required those towels (or our clients own towels) to be used at all times.

Still with me?

All I can say is thank god for those commemorative towels.

Galley Gossip: A question about tipping flight attendants

by Heather Poole on

As a chronic over tipper in restaurants I’ve always been a bit confused when on a plane. While very occasionally an attendant will accept a tip, most often they move off before you can even try. Sometimes they outright won’t accept a tip. I’ve been in union jobs where the union disallows tipping in order to get a higher wage. Is this the case? I tip at the very least a dollar a drink at a bar, and I figure an attendant deserves even more than that. What gives?

Cliff F.

Before I can address Cliff’s question about tipping flight attendants, I have to say that I want you, Cliff, on one of my flights! Please let me know when you’re traveling again and I’ll trade onto the trip. Why? Because you sound nice. Because good passengers make good trips. Trust me, I’m not saying this because you’re a big tipper, but because you understand the plight of the working class. As for your question about tipping on flights, flight attendants, at least the ones at my airline, are not supposed to accept tips. Why aren’t we allowed to accept tips? I’m not sure – exactly. But my guess is it has something to do with the higher wage flight attendants make opposed to other service industry workers, like Cliff mentioned. Even though I do not accept tips (it’s my job to serve you that drink!), that tip, the one I did not accept, is greatly appreciated. So thank you, Cliff, for thinking of me. And I’ll be looking for you on my next flight.

Heather Poole

Flight attendant wins trip into space — on Rocketplane!

by Grant Martin on

I thought that Rocketplane was a show on the cartoon network until I read an article this morning reporting that a French Flight Attendant won a trip into sub-orbit with the galactic airline.

First, about the flight attendant: Mathilde Epron was working her daily flight schedule when she grabbed a quick Kit Kat snack, tossed the wrapper in the garbage and went on about her normal duties. Suddenly, struck with a feeling that she should have checked the wrapper, she went back to the trash two hours later, dug out the refuse lo and behold, won one of the first trips into space on fledgling space tourism company, Rocketplane.

Secondly, Virgin Galactic has competition? Where did Rocketplane come from? Tell us more about yourselves and your crazy moniker, Rocketplane, we’re delightfully curious.

Apparently, Ms. Epron is scheduled to get four days of astronaut training at Rocketplanes headquarters in Oklahoma then will be on one of the first flights scheduled in 2010.

Only a shade behind Virgin Galactic, which plans to unveil its White Knight Two later this month and carry passengers in 2009.

If Rocketplace sticks to its guns and testing goes well, we could have an interesting commercial space competition in the next ten years. Maybe all of this competition will drive the price of a flight down from 200-250k down to 100k. Time to start saving!

Other tales from the skies
Amazing and insane stories from a real-life flight attendant and co-pilot

Galley Gossip: The mini motel for the commuting flight attendant

by Heather Poole on

See that guy over there, the one wearing a business suit lying on the floor inside an orange tent at the airport? The first time I saw that picture on The New York Times website, I laughed, and then I thought to myself, genius, absolute genius. The Mini Motel, a one-person tent complete with air mattress, pillow, reading light and alarm clock, that’s what Frank Giotto, a business traveler, created after an unscheduled stay at a German airport.

There’s one problem with the luxury tent, and it’s a pretty big problem. Simply put, it’s a tent. Personally, I can’t see too many passengers interested in buying a tent. I mean who in their right mind wants to lug that thing on the airplane – just in case there’s a delay, or cancellation, or something that would cause one to set up tent? Nor do I see the airlines purchasing it. Not when they’re getting rid of things – namely employees – in order to save money. So who do I see desperate to get their hands on a luxury tent aimed at stranded people at the airport? Flight attendants of course!

According to Wikipedia, Commuting is the process of traveling between one’s place of residence and regular place of work. For most people, normal people, commuting means getting in the car or hopping on a train and taking an hour long ride to the city where the office is located. Commuting for a flight attendant is a whole other animal. We cross cities, as in several cities, in order to get to work. Yet it’s what a lot of flight attendants choose to do, particularly the ones based in New York – like me! Yes, I am a commuter. I commute from my home in Los Angeles to New York where I start my trips at one of two New York airports. I know I know, it’s a little crazy, but it works.

Just to be safe, and well rested, I always fly to New York the night before my trip. But some commuters travel up on the same morning of their trip. Haven’t you ever wondered why the crew looks so worn out? Why they look as if they haven’t slept in days? Chances are they haven’t. Chances are, if they weren’t working twelve hours a day for three days straight (with short layovers), they could be commuters.

Now I know what you’re wondering: where do commuters stay at night when they’re not on a trip and laying over at a hotel in a strange city? If they do not have family or friends they can “visit”, they’ll stay in one of three locations…

  1. The Crash Pad: If they’ve got the money to spend (about $150/month), you’ll find commuters living in crash pads not too far away from the airport. My first crash pad, located in Kew Gardens, also known as Crew Gardens, was a three story house that was home to so many flight attendants I couldn’t begin to count them all. Seriously. I don’t even know if I met everyone who lived in this particular crash pad during my first three months as a flight attendant. All I know is “my room” had six bunk beds lining the walls, and each bunk bed had a different flight attendant (who brought along their own set of sheets) sleeping in it each and every night.
  2. The Airport Hotel: Sometimes a few commuters will get together and chip in to share a cheap hotel room near the airport — though this doesn’t really happen often, not anymore, not since we took a pay cut after 9/11. However, I do still see quite a few commuting pilots waiting for the hotel shuttle outside the airport.
  3. Flight Operations – Besides a couple of computers and a few sofas and maybe a television, there’s usually a little “quiet room” located somewhere at the back of ops. The quiet room is always dark and filled with reclining chairs. This is where you’ll find a majority of the New York commuters. But ONLY if ops is located on the outside of security, which isn’t always the norm at most airline terminals. But if ops is an option, rest assured, that’s the place to be.

Which brings me back to The Mini Motel, a $39.95 luxury one-person tent that comes complete with a mattress, pillow, reading light, alarm clock, and, most importantly, a bit of privacy when you’re stranded at the airport far away from home. Tell me this isn’t the perfect gift for that commuting flight attendant in your life! After that commuting flight attendant FINALLY stops thanking you over and over and over for the wonderful gift, you tell me that thoughtful gift is just a tent and not a luxurious crew condo.

Galley Gossip: Flight Attendant Pet Peeve #3: You want me to do what?

by Heather Poole on

You’ve packed the bag. Actually what you did was stuff it full, and then most likely you had to sit on it while you zipped…the thing…up…there! You did it, you actually got that thing closed! You feel good, you really do, because you are not going to pay that ridiculous checked bag fee for the life of you. No freakin way!

Then you dragged that bag to the car and somehow managed to get..the bag…inside…the trunk…there! You did it, and now you’re off to the airport where you’ll have to get…the bag..out of…the trunk. Now you’re dragging that thing over to the airport shuttle bus.

Finally you’re in the terminal where you pass all those losers standing in line to check their bags. It’s your turn to go through security, so up…goes…the bag…there! It’s on the conveyor belt and slowly moving to the other side. As you wipe the sweat from your brow, you meet the bag on the other end and yank…it off…the belt. Now you’re off and running to the gate where boarding is already in process. Down the jet-bridge and onto the airplane you go, where miracle upon miracles, there’s an available overhead bin right above your seat. Now, where’s that lazy flight attendant?

“Excuse me, miss,” you say, trying to get the attention of the one and only flight attendant in the cabin who is already busy trying to re-seat a family of four together. “Can you help me get my bag into the overhead bin?”

You want me to do what?

I’m looking at a bag, a very big bag, that belongs to a passenger, a passenger that looks a lot like me, and I’m a little confused here. You’re not elderly. You’re not an unaccompanied minor. Nor are you handicapped. You packed it, and somehow you managed to get it into the car, on the bus, and through the airport. But now, for some reason, you can’t get it up into the overhead bin? The funny part is you and I both know that you knew you weren’t going to be able to do this before you even packed the bag!

Okay, you see where I’m going with this, don’t you?

Due to the fact that most bags are ROLLING onto the aircraft these days – not being carried – the bag situation has gotten a little out of control, particularly in the size and weight department, which is why, I’m sorry to tell you, I’m not going to be able to lift that enormous thing into the overhead bin for you. It’s too heavy! For both of us.

THE NUMBERS:

  • 1:50: That’s 50 passengers per flight attendant. Nowadays flights are staffed with minimum crew, which is why, in most cases, you only see one flight attendant in the cabin during boarding. The rest are either setting up the galleys, greeting at the door, or in the terminal taking tickets.
  • 1-4: Flight attendants work anywhere from one (if they’re senior enough) to four legs a day (from anywhere up to 14 hours a day)
  • 16 : The average number of days a flight attendant works a month. But ever since our pay was decreased by 30% most flight attendants are forced to work more hours and days to make up the pay. (Don’t forget, one of our days is like two of yours, and we don’t get to go home at the end of the day.)
  • 145: There are AT LEAST 145 passengers on-board our smallest aircraft – the S80. The 777 can carry anywhere from 283-368 passengers
  • Now add all that up: 1 (Flight Attendant – minimum crew, remember) X 4 (legs – the max) X 16 (days – the average) X 145 (passengers – the least amount) = an awful lot of passengers with bags that need lifting by flight attendants, resulting in an awful lot of flight attendants getting injured on duty. Not that that has anything to do with you…

What’s that? Your little one would like to visit the cockpit while we’re sitting at the gate? Certainly, come along with me, kiddo, and don’t forget your camera! You’d like something to drink? I’ll be right back with your (insert drink order here). You’d like me to help you find two seats together? No problem, I’ll see what I can do after everyone is on-board and seated. You’d like a blanket? Let me go see if I can find one. You’d like me to check on your connecting gate? I’ll call the captain right away and see if he’s gotten an update. You want to know if I can suggest a good place to eat in the airport? Oh have you asked the right person! You’d like to know the football / basketball / baseball scores? I’ll call the captain. Again. You’d like me to hold your baby while you go to the bathroom? Of course, hand that little princess to me! Maybe we’ll even go for a walk so you can have a break. You’d like me to take a picture of you and your loved one? I’d love to! You’d like to know where we are right now? Calling the Captain. Again. What, someone fainted in your row and you think they’re unconscious? I’ll grab the medical kit along with the AED and page for a doctor right away! What, there’s no doctor on-board? I’ll start CPR now!

That, in a nutshell, is my job. That’s what I’m there for. And I like being there for it. But lifting your bag into the overhead bin is not, nor has it ever been, a part of my job description, even though I work in the service industry. Oh I’ll help you find a place for your bag, no problem. Of course I’ll move things around in the bin to make room for your bag. I might even ASSIST you in lifting that bag, if it’s not too heavy,into the bin. But the key word here is assist. As in team effort. As in WE can do it together. What I won’t do is do it for you. Not unless you’re elderly, handicapped, or an unaccompanied minor. Sorry, I do what I can to avoid injuring myself and going out on disability. Hey, like you, I’ve gotta pay the bills!

“But I’ve got a bad back!” passengers often cry when I test a bag to see how heavy it is. Yeah, and so does my mother who is also a flight attendant, who has had two back surgeries that took her out of work for two years because she lifted too many bags for too many passengers who should have checked them in the first place.

Look, It’s not like you don’t know you’re too short, or too pregnant, or too frail, or your arm is too broken, or your back is too weak to lift your bag into the overhead bin before you come on-board the aircraft, right? I mean when I traveled as a passenger, I always checked my bags when I was pregnant. And I did it again when I had to hobble on-board the aircraft on crutches. And I still do it whenever I’m traveling with my son, which is pretty much once a month. It’s just the responsible thing to do.

Responsibility, is anyone responsible for anything anymore?

That’s a question I once asked Mark Matteson, a passenger on one of my flights, who in turn handed me a book, Freedom From Fear, a book he’d written, a book that actually changed my life, a book about…you guessed it…responsibility. In other words it was a book about how to change your life for the better by not being a victim and taking responsibility for the things that happen to you. Taking responsibility for oneself is something I believe in passionately, it’s a trait I admire greatly in people, and it’s a trait I’d like to pass along to my two year-old son. Taking responsibility for oneself also includes taking responsibility for ones bag, the bag the self packed and brought on-board the airplane.

Honestly, I don’t know what bothers me more, the fact that a passenger will come on-board and EXPECT me to lift their bag, or the fact that they actually get upset when I won’t lift the bag. Like I mentioned above, unless the passenger is elderly, or an unaccompanied minor, or handicapped, AND / OR is traveling with a bag that is NOT heavy, I am not touching that bag. No way! And when I do lend a hand, rest assured I’m wondering to myself why the bag wasn’t checked in the first place.

Responsibility, that’s what I’m talking about.

In Jeffrey White’s post, A note of Apology to the helpful, dedicated flight attendant out there, after he kind-of-sort-of apologized to flight attendants everywhere after scolding the Ryan Air crew for not helping a wheel-bound passenger be lifted up the stairs and onto the airplane (flight crews are not responsible, nor are they trained, to lift passengers up stairs and onto airplanes), he then went on to write, “I feel that many flight attendants won’t help you these days to the degree they used to, say, 10 years ago. As one attendant, “Ann,” puts it: “Bottom line, you pack it, you stow it. If you can’t stow it, then check it.””

And the reason flight attendants won’t help to the degree that they used to 10 years ago is because bags are now being rolled, not carried, onto the aircraft, resulting in much heavier bags. Don’t believe me? Try lifting a few.

Responsibility, it’s the word of the day, and that’s all I’m going to say.

Now go read Mark’s book!

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