Galley Gossip: Flight attendant pet peeve #5 – You’re still here?

by Heather Poole on

I’m wearing the blue polyester dress, you know the one, and I’m standing two rows behind you, an arm draped over a seat, a hand gripping the plastic handle of my Travelpro bag. When the lights are turned to bright, I turn around and look at my coworker, and without uttering a word, our eyes say everything that can possibly be said.

Finally you step into the aisle, look at me, and then smile, so I smile at you, and while I’m smiling I watch you dig around inside three different seat back pockets.

“Thanks for a nice flight,” says a voice over the PA, and just like that the voice is gone, along with the rest of the passengers, and crew. It’s just me, my coworker, and you.

When it comes to the deplaning process, there are three types of passengers…

THE ME FIRST PASSENGER: Jumps out of the seat before the seat belt sign has been turned off. If there are other me first passengers standing in the aisle, they will push each other out of the way in order to be the first me first passenger off of the airplane. Don’t you know the first one on should always be the first one off, even when he’s sitting in business, not first.

THE NORMAL PASSENGER: Waits patiently in the seat until the passengers sitting a few rows ahead stand. At this point the normal passenger gathers their belongings, and when the time comes, steps into the aisle, grabs the suitcase out of the bin, and begins to walk to the front of the airplane, not once breaking the rhythmic deplaning flow. Thankfully most passengers are normal passengers – when it comes to getting off the airplane.

THE I’VE GOT ALL DAY (AND NIGHT) PASSENGER – I do hope this is not you. Granted, you are very nice, and quite polite, a dream passenger really, and I did have a wonderful time talking to you in the galley, but the time has come to say goodbye, so buh-bye. Adios time. Look, it’s not forever, we can do this again, but at another time, on a different flight. So go, please, now! No offense, don’t mean to be rude, but the layover is short!

Again I turn around and look at my fellow coworker who is looking at her watch. “Nine hours and twenty minutes,” she mumbles, shaking her head.

Remember, this nine hour and twenty minute layover includes the hour I will get ready for work in the morning, as well as the twenty minutes I need to take the hotel van back to the airport and make my way through security. Which means the layover is more like eight hours. Don’t forget that eight hours includes the ten minute van ride to the hotel tonight, as well as the amount of time it will take the van to get to the airport in order to take us to the hotel, not to mention the time it takes to check-in once we’re at the hotel, after we get in line behind you. Which means that eight hour layover is starting to look more like seven. If you leave now.

While I continue to stand there, waiting, still waiting, I’m wondering why you are just now reaching for your luggage in the overhead bin, and why little Johnny does not have his shoes on, and why your wife or husband or whoever it is you are traveling with is now on all fours looking under the seat, not your group of seats, but three rows ahead, and why oh why are you now standing on the armrest to get a better look into that empty overhead bin?

“I think we’ve got it all,” you say, but before I can breath a sigh of relief, you place your suitcase on the ground and unzip your rollaboard. “You don’t have to wait on us, because we’ll probably be a few more minutes here.”

I’d leave if I could, but I can’t, so I don’t, which is why I’m still standing there, one arm still draped over the seat, a hand still gripping, gripping, gripping the plastic handle of my Travelpro, as a swarm of cabin cleaners make their way to the back of the airplane. That’s when I think I hear, “Mind if I use the bathroom?”

“Oh…umm…sure.” I struggle to move my wheelie bag sideways so you can get by, and as you pass me by, I find myself wondering why? Why here? There’s a much cleaner bathroom in the terminal. Why now? The flight was five and a half hours long. Why me? Don’t answer that!

Okay, here’s what I don’t get. You came to the airport at least an hour before departure, waited in line at security, and then found a place to pick up a few snacks where you had to wait in line to pay, before heading over to the gate area to wait your turn to board. Once on the aircraft, you waited to takeoff, and after we finally took off, a few minutes late, you found yourself waiting for a drink. After enjoying your adult beverage of choice, you spent a very long time waiting to land, and while you waited five hours for this bird to touch ground, you may have found yourself waiting in line to use the lavatory. Eventually we land and you wait your turn to deplane, very patiently, a little too patiently. You’ve finally gotten your things in order, and little Johnny is wearing his shoes, and your wife or husband or whoever it is you are traveling with is no longer crawling around on the floor, so what, exactly, are you waiting for now?

You sling a heavy bag over your shoulder. “I think we’re ready.”

I smile, and this smile is for real, and together we walk to the front of the aircraft. At least I think we’re walking to the front of the aircraft, because you stop, turn around, and look at me. “Mind if I double check one more time to make sure I have everything?”

“Oh…umm…sure, go ahead,” I say, struggling once more to move my wheelie bag sideways, and as you pass me by, I find myself wondering why?

CHECK OUT THE OTHER PET PEEVES…

Galley Gossip: A question about traveling with car seats and strollers

by Heather Poole on

Dear Heather,

Okay, so how bad is to have a one-year old on a plane without an actual ‘seat’? Please tell me it’s not the worst thing in the world????I wanted to bring a car seat on board, but they won’t let us because we’re not buying her a ticket. Also, should we check the stroller on the plane? We have a bugaboo, and I hate for it to get ruined, but it breaks down very easily. We could get a bag for it? Do you know if they make specific bags for strollers? Any advice please????????????

Thanks,
Marlo

Dear Marlo,

It’s not the worst thing in the world to have a one-year old on the airplane without an actual seat! Now take a deep breath and relax, Marlo, because you are a good mother, whether you buy that seat or not, and you’re going to need all that nervous energy in flight entertaining your daughter. Trust me, I know. Whenever I travel with my little one, regardless of how well behaved he is, I always end up feeling completely drained by the end of the trip.

As a flight attendant, it is my duty to tell you that it is safer for your daughter to travel strapped into a car seat that has been secured to an airplane seat. But let’s get real for a minute, because that, I know, is not always possible for some to do, particularly in this day and age when people are just struggling to survive. With that said, I must tell you that I have traveled with my son, along with my guilt, minus the car seat, on the airplane one or two times. My advice to you is to keep your seat belt fastened during the flight while you hold your daughter in your lap, because turbulence happens, even when the seat belt sign is not on.

You stated that you want to bring your car seat on-board, but the airline won’t let you because you are not buying the extra seat. I do not know which airline you are traveling on, but if you were traveling on the carrier I work for, I’d tell you to take the car seat with you anyway, just in case there is an open seat available. If there’s not an extra seat, the airline, at least my airline, would then gate check your car seat. Key word is gate check. Gate check means you are checking the item at the gate. Once at your destination, the car seat (or stroller) will meet you at the aircraft door, not at baggage claim.

If you do bring a car seat on-board the aircraft, please please please make sure it is approved by the FAA and do read the installation instructions before it is time to install the thing. I can not tell you how many times people come aboard and do not know how their car seat operates and get angry at me when I can not tell them how THEIR car seat works. There are hundreds of different makes and models produced each and every year, so unless you come across a flight attendant who has a child that uses the exact same model as you, chances are that flight attendant is not going to be able to help.

When traveling with a lap child, try to get an aisle seat. With so little leg room, it is impossible to get anything out of the diaper bag when the seat in front of you is reclined and there’s a baby sitting on your lap. If you are in an aisle seat, you’ll be able to swing the diaper bag into the aisle in order to grab whatever you need out of the bag – bottles, diapers, toys, etc. Just make sure to check and see that the drink cart is not rolling in your direction beforehand. And if there is a drink cart parked at your row, ask the flight attendants if they can spare a few plastic cups, “stacking cups”, in order to keep baby busy for a good five minutes. Hey, every minute counts when you’re on the airplane with a child.

As for the stroller, I also own a Bugaboo (as well as a BOB for jogging and a Maclaren that I keep in New York) and I can not say that the Bugaboo breaks down easily, not when you’re in a hurry and you’ve got your hands full, nor can I imagine lugging that thing with me anywhere, except to the mall, and perhaps to the beach for a nice leisurely walk. Keep in mind that if you do decide to check the Bugaboo, most likely you will have to pay a checked bag fee, and add that fee to the price you’re going to pay for the Bugaboo transport bag, and you’ll be paying close to $200. While I do love my Bugaboo, I don’t love it THAT much. And I would not want to be the passenger standing behind the Bugaboo family at security. When it comes to travel, think light, think easy, and think disposable. Whenever I travel with my son, I use a cheap umbrella stroller I bought at Target. What I like about the stroller, besides the fact that it was cheap, is that I can attach it to my rollaboard, if the kid feels like walking, or hang it in the closet, so that I don’t have to check it, and if I do have to check it and it does get ruined, big deal, I’m out $25.

Hope that helps!

Happy travels,

Heather

Galley Gossip: Middle Seat Etiquette

by Heather Poole on

Flying back from Honolulu, I found myself crammed in a middle seat. Now I’m not a big person, just a normal sized person, and yet there I sat with my elbows held tight against my side, my hands resting in my lap, as the broken seat in front of me reclined much farther back than it should have. Oh yeah, I had a woman’s head an inch from my chest. Good thing I didn’t need anything out of my tote-bag, the one located under the seat in front of me, the one I could not reach if I so inclined. And then, if that wasn’t bad enough, things got worse, much worse.

The man sitting beside me, the one wearing the trendy dark blue designer jeans traveling with the family sitting across the aisle from him, claimed the armrest between us.

So what, you say? Wait…there’s more.

The elbow, the one attached to a very tan and muscular arm, crept over the armrest and kept on going until it found itself in my space – MY SPACE! Thank god my son, and not another adult, sat on the other side of me, so I could lean way over into the space my son did not yet prize. I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and tried not to scream as I felt the faint tickle of manly arm hairs against my skin.

Middle seat etiquette, am I the only one who cares?

I’ll never forget when Cady, my best friend and old roommate, got called out to work a flight from New York to Los Angeles. This was thirteen years ago and we were on reserve and the thought of working a 767 transcon scared the heck out of us. We were new, brand spankin new, and that airplane was big, 160 passengers big! Keep in mind there were also nine flight attendants who knew exactly what they were doing, unlike the two of us, working on that gigantic bird! What made the trip even worse was that Cady had been called out to work the lead position on the 767. Cady, fresh from the charm farm, would be in charge for the next two days.

“How did it go?” I asked, practically leaping off the couch when she walked through the door after her trip the following evening.

Parking her black bag against the wall, she flopped down in front of the television on the lumpy sofa beside me. “I actually had to settle an argument between two grown men.”

I laughed. “Over what?”

“An armrest. And they actually asked to speak to the one in charge. Me!”

“What did you say?” I asked, and it was at this point I wondered if I should fetch a pen and paper to write down what she had said, just in case I found myself in the same predicament on a future flight. Hey, a flight attendant does not want to experience any unplanned emergencies.

“I just told them they had to share. One guy could use the armrest for the first half of flight and the other guy could use it the last half of the flight. What else could I say?”

Cady had a point. There was not much else to say. Share the armrest, I made a mental note.

While I have witnessed many ridiculous things aboard the airplane, I have not had the pleasure of seeing two grown men duke it out over an armrest. Fighting over a seat being reclined, yes. An overhead bin, every single flight. A first class seat upgrade, oh yeah. But an armrest, never. I’m so grateful for that.

Flash forward thirteen years and I would have loved for someone like Cady to have stomped down the aisle in a pair of black scuffed up Dansko clogs and ordered that beefy guy sitting beside me to share. Not that I would have even used the armrest if Fancy Pants had actually moved his elbow a good five inches to the left, but it would have been nice to have had at least a few arm hair free minutes flying from Honolulu to Los Angeles.

Middle seat etiquette, that’s what I spent the entire flight thinking about…

  • Leave the armrest for the middle seat passenger. The window seat passenger has the window, while the aisle seat passenger has the aisle, but the middle seat passenger has nothing, nada, zilch, so please, for the love of god, give the person in the middle seat something, anything, an armrest, please!
  • Do not hit the middle seat passenger in the head with your newspaper, even when the middle seat passenger is asleep and you are fairly sure they will not feel it.
  • Do not use the middle seat passenger’s tray table. Even if the middle seat passenger is not using it.
  • Do not put your feet under the seat in front of the middle seat passenger, no matter how long your legs are, even if the middle seat passenger is short.
  • Do not place your luggage underneath the seat in front of the middle seat passenger. The middle seat passenger has luggage, too.
  • Do not bring aboard a pet, choose an aisle or window seat, and then expect to put the pet under the middle seat because it does not fit under your seat.
  • Do not raise the armrest between you and the middle seat passenger, no matter how well you are getting along.
  • Keep your hair away from the middle seat passenger, no matter how pretty or how manly it may be.
  • Remember, middle seat passengers are people too!

As I sat there, going over the middle seat rules, that hairy arm resting a little too comfortably against mine, I flashed back to another middle seat situation I’ve experienced often – the open middle seat.

WOOHOO! I always think, whenever I see that open middle seat. I can not believe my luck. Nor can the passenger sitting on the other side of that same middle seat. I try not to get too excited, because one of two things are about to happen, and it most likely won’t be the good thing.

THE GOOD THING: The seat remains open and I enjoy a relaxing flight home.

THE BAD THING: The passenger flings their jacket or purse or stack of magazines into the empty seat, claiming the space as their own.

If the good thing happens to you, and the seat actually remains open, fantastic. You’re on a roll. Now may be the time to fly to Vegas and continue this amazing streak of luck at a table of cards. And don’t forget to take me with you.

If the bad thing happens, now is the time to act, and fast! Hurry, throw something of your own into the seat. By doing this you are letting the passenger on the other side know that this is shared space. Not their space. Shared space. Trust me, this reminder is necessary if you want the flight to continue without further incident. When the passenger pulls down the tray table and places a drink or a book on top, immediately place something of your own next to it.
What are you waiting for? DO IT!

Juvenile, you say? Whatever. Do what you want. But you may soon find a pair of bare feet rubbing against your leg. Oh it happens. It’s happened to me. Don’t let it happen you.

Do you have a horrible middle seat story to share? I’d love to hear all about it.

Galley Gossip: Flight attendant – still a hot job to date.

by Heather Poole on

What would you do if you were a flight attendant and some young lad said to you, “I like the way you walk?”

Personally, I would have kept on walking. If possible. Because you never know if there’s going to be a 200 pound drink cart blocking your way. But hey, that’s just me.

One New Zealand flight attendant did not walk away when a passenger commented on the way she worked the aisle. Well maybe she did walk, I don’t really know, but what I do know is she took it a step farther and complained about the rugby player from the South Canterbury team when he asked for her number on a flight from Gisborne to Wellington. Again, I don’t have all the details. The article was short. I’m not even sure exactly when the comment pertaining to the walk was made, but at some point the entire rugby team was offloaded and put on another flight. I wonder if she, the flight attendant, liked the way they walked – off the airplane.

On a side note, I can tell you that John, my friend and fellow coworker, would have been very disappointed to have seen that rugby team go. But that’s another story.

The rugby team coach, Ken Wills, claimed the incident was blown out of proportion. He told the Herald Newspaper, “One of the guys was trying to use a pick-up line and exchange text numbers. The boys had a lot of fun on a flight on the way up and one got an air hostess’s number so they were all trying to match him.”

Every year there’s a popular men’s magazine that rates the top ten hot jobs to date, and each year flight attendant makes that list. It’s true. I’ve seen it. If flight attendant is not THE number one hot job, it is definitely one of the top five. When you’re single and dating, this kind of list not only helps to attract Mister Wrong, but also Mister Never-In-A-Million-Years. Trust me, I know from first hand experience. Believe it or not, there are also websites dedicated to the madness, websites like Crewdating.com. Swear to god. Go look it up if you don’t believe me.

Check out this ad from a lonely guy on Craigslist – Craigslist of all places!

I am the principal of a US based boutique investment bank. I have offices in Shanghai, NYC and Washington DC. I have homes in the US and Shanghai. I am 191 cm, 86 kgs, full head of hair, hazel eyes, and am considered handsome by some. I am absolutely smitten with the elegance of the flight attendants on Singapore Airlines. I spent a great deal of time there, and find myself drawn back time and time again, if not just to fly Sing Air. I would appreciate any introduction… I will share more details of myself and pictures with a reply.

Honestly, I do not see anything wrong with Lonely Guy’s ad. In fact, I’m a little impressed that he knows what he wants and he’s not afraid to ask for it – in an ad. On craigslist. That’s what successful people do. That’s why they’re successful in the first place. I have a very strong feeling that Lonely Guy is going to find his elegant Singapore Girl – in an ad, on craigslist – and I do hope when he does he emails Gadling to tell me all about it! What can I say, I’m a romantic at heart.

While I do have a fondness for Lonely Guy, I’m not so sure what to think of the guy on Ask.com who wrote…

I am an Arabian male and I have always wanted to find a flight attendant ( Air Hostess ) to go out with. I don’t know if it is a fantasy or the interest in finding a person who toured the world but I want to find one that often flies to the Gulf Area (Saudi, Qatar, Bahrain, UAE, Kuwait) and hook up. Of course I won’t just date any hostess but we got to be interested in each other. .. I just don’t know where to look!? …. Anyone there who is interested or knows where can I look?

Arabian Male, Whadaya mean you have to actually be interested in one another? And you won’t take just ANY hostess, you say? But why not? Yeah, can someone say booty call? What I find even more amusing than the ad above, are the answers to Arabian Male’s question…

Tara wrote, “The obvious place to look would be an airport or better yet fly first class. It seems the first class passengers always get the most attention–then just work your magic. My real advice: Give it up, babe.”

JB wrote, “Go to the airport. Be there 24/7. Whenever a flight attendant pass by you .. say hi .. or pretend to be a passenger and ask a question … simple as that .”
I’d say Tara and JB both gave pretty sound advice. Advice I suggest not to take came from The Player at Askmen.com, who wrote a post entitled How to pick up a flight attendant. I do not know one flight attendant who would fall for his nonsense. And then there was Doc Love’s “interesting” post, Are flight attendants dateable, full of advice on, you guessed it, flight attendants and the game of dating. You did notice the words the game are in italics? Good. Because I’m not even sure what to make of that – game. Believe it or not, the best advice came from the website ehow.com…
  • Make a great first impression by dressing neatly, instead of going for comfort with sweat pants and flip-flops like many fliers do. Smile, be friendly and try to join in light conversation. Because most fliers tend to ignore flight attendants until they need something, your outgoing personality will quickly catch her eye.Take any opportunity to help her out. For example, if she is struggling to fit someone’s oversize carry-on into the overhead compartment, jump up from your seat and offer to help.

  • Flirt a little, but not so much that she finds you annoying or even threatening. Make eye contact now and then, be polite saying please and thank you. While you want your interest to be obvious, you don’t want to come off as desperate.

  • Remember that flight attendants risk losing their jobs by accepting a date with a client while working. So, instead of directly trying to pick her up while she is surrounded by co-workers and clients, simply slip her a business card on your way off the plane. If desired, you might add a short note to the back of the card. Avoid the temptation to verbally pick her up, as you are sure to get a solid no.

Meeting a flight attendant is one thing, but being able to really date, as in having the confidence and patience to deal with a job that takes your love interest out of town for days at a time, even on the holidays, is quite another. Just ask my husband, a man I met on a flight.

Galley Gossip: Ivana Trump harasses two little kids on a flight

by Heather Poole on

Ivana, Ivana, Ivana, you do not – I repeat – you do NOT call a child a barbarian. Out loud. On a flight. Oh sure, you can think it, we’re all probably thinking it, but to outright say it….I don’t think so. Not a good idea.

Now I probably would not have believed this story about a passenger who is suing Ivana Trump for calling his two adorable children names – ages 3 and 18 months – or the fact that Ivana has filed her own counter suit against the passenger who created those little barbarians. But the fact that the word barbarian was used to describe two little children, well…that is just so so wrong. Which only means it has to be true!

I mean who else but Ivana would use such a word? Brat. Fine. Terror. Okay. Monster. Sure. But barbarian? That’s a bit much, don’t you think? Which is exactly why I believe this outlandish story. And why I’ll be using the word barbarian as often as I can throughout this post. And on my flights. But only to myself. And maybe the crew. Possibly you. But that’s it.
So anyway, after the children were told to shut up – oh yeah, that’s what Ivana apparently said – the parents asked the flight attendant to get the Captain.
The Captain?
Ummm….okay.

Man oh man, I would have loved to have seen how the Captain handled that little situation. I wonder what our own pilot, Kent, would have done?

Now when I imagine a barbarian passenger, I do not think of two little kids, no matter how terrible they may have acted at 35,000 feet. Oh no. The thought that comes to my mind is a visual of the guy who was sitting in the row behind and across the aisle from me on my flight from Honolulu to Los Angeles last Wednesday. Now that, dear readers, was a barbarian.

He, the barbarian who was big and bald with one of those weird little hair patches sprouting off his chin, had the audacity to ring his call light and yell at the teeny tiny flight attendant for ten minutes about the thirty minute delay we took on the ground. This took place after he had already called the airline while we were on the ground to find out why, EXACTLY, we were still on the ground.

What I wanted to know was why, EXACTLY, he was using his cell phone when were on the tarmac and about to takeoff. And what, EXACTLY, he was trying to prove by pushing his weight, all 250 pounds of it, around.

Of course ripping the airline a new one wasn’t enough. He then went on to complain to the man wearing the dark blue designer jeans sitting beside me about the thirty minute delay. On and on the barbarian went as Mr. trendy nodded in agreement. When he finally stopped, it was only because he had another delay on another airline to complain about, and so on, and so on, until it was finally our turn to grab our things and deplane the aircraft.

“I (BLEEPING) hate this airline,” he growled, as he stepped aside to allow his nine year-old daughter into the aisle.

Barbarians, I tell you, they’re (BLEEPING) everywhere.

You think she’s bad? Get a load of what these women did!