SkyMall Monday: Branding Irons

I lost my meat today. It’s gone. Don’t mourn its loss. No, this is no time for sorrow. When a man’s meat is pilfered by a no-good poacher, well, that there’s a time for revenge. Time spent cryin’ is time spent dyin’. That’s what my grandpappy used to say. He was shot in the head while cryin’. Damn shame. But back to my meat. I reckon my neighbor done gone and pilfered it. I can’t be having meat just up and disappearin’ from the SkyMall Monday headquarters ranch. I’m gonna up and get me a posse and we’re gonna show that varmint a thing or two about manners. You can’t take a man’s meat and not expect consequences. He has my meat and that meat will be my meat again by sundown tomorrow. He’ll see that when you mess with a man’s meat, you mess with his biggest organ. I’m talking, of course, about his soul. That’s the heart of a man’s meat. Wait, what was I talking about? Oh, right, my missing meat. Yeah, I can’t have my neighbor thinking he can just take my meat and claim it as his meat. So, from now on, I’m going to make sure that every man, woman and child knows that my meat belongs to me and me alone. How am I gonna do that? Ha, I’m a rascally cowpoke. I went down to the general store SkyMall catalog and purchased me one of them there customized Branding Irons.You see, if you don’t put your name on your meat, then any man can go ahead and call it his meat. That’s meat anarchy. My pa moved the family out here when I was just a wee one so that we could have a better life. If he knew that people were just snatchin’ up meat like it was a whore at the saloon, well, he’d probably just up and get himself a whore at the saloon. And then he’d brand her with these branding irons. And then he’d eat a steak. I miss pappy.

And if you think that I’m just some crazy fella who’s ramblin’ on about meat and whores, well, then you have another thing comin’. You see, those rootin’ tootin’ snake oil salesmen over at that there SkyMall catalog have a thing or two to say about these branding irons. Go on and take a look-see:

Create a personalized iron to brand your steaks, chicken and burgers and show your guests the pride you take in being a great chef!

Pride. That’s a word my grandpappy’s pappy took seriously. He used to brand everything he owned. And he was damned proud of it. I know because my grandpappy had a brand on his backside that says, “My pappy’s proud of me.” And my pappy has a brand on his keister that reads, “Proud Parent of a Vanderbilt Elementary School Honor Student.” Yeah, I was real good at the book learnin’. I’m proud of that. That’s why I branded my Trapper Keeper.

Well, I reckon I best be moseying along now. I have some meat to brand and some whores errands to do. But you remember what I said today, partner: Keep your damn hands off my meat!

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.

Gadlinks for Monday 9.14.09


In keeping with the Weird America theme today on Gadling, here are some weird travel reads for you, this glorious fall (it is fall, right?) Monday.

‘Til tomorrow, have a great evening!

More Gadlinks HERE.

Photo of the Day (5.24.09)

I can remember the first day I arrived in Morocco. The vibrant colors of painted doors, barrels of spices and textiles for sale. The smells of motor scooter fumes, freshly-cut wood, charcoal flames and sewage. The frantic energy of human beings headed in every direction. Flickr user Marni Rachel’s photo from Fes, Morocco brought all of this sensory information flooding back into my head today. Butcher shops like this one line the streets of many Moroccan cities, filled with hooks of hanging flesh ready for sale.

Have any travel photos you would like to share with our Gadling readers? Why not add them to our Gadling group on Flickr? We might just pick one of yours as our Photo of the Day.

Dispatch from the Galapagos: The summer I gave up meat

Rachel Atkinson hops like a Darwin finch from one volcanic outcropping to the next, then plunges into ankle-deep mud. Squishing as she walks, the botanist with the Charles Darwin Research Station homes in on the ailing invaders: blackberry, passion fruit, and quinine bushes clustered near Santa Cruz Island’s last shrubby stands of Scalesia trees. Atkinson smiles in approval. One more blast of herbicide ought to prevent the aliens from regrowing and give the Scalesia a shot at survival after all.

We were on the front-line of an epic war being waged on all sorts of invasive species in the Galápagos Islands. Surprisingly, the culprit seems to be global warming, which is usually associated with polar bears and other sorts of cold things-not an archipelago situated one degree south of the equator.

It all started in the late 1980s, when the periodic El Niños became more frequent and severe. Of course, we do have to give some credit to the pirates and whalers who began visiting the Galápagos in the 1700s and leaving behind goats, pigs, and other animals as a living larder for future visits. That couldn’t have helped.
The torrential monsoons have since thrown the entire island ecosystem in a loop. In some cases, like what Atkinson is battling, invasive weeds have exploded. In other cases where there aren’t weeds, native plants have been doing the exploding, also a problem because that attracts goats. Godfrey Merlen, a Galápagos native and director of WildAid, says he saw “two or three” goats on the upper flanks of Isabela Island’s Alcedo volcano in 1992. When he returned three years later, he saw hundreds. “It was total chaos,” Merlen says. The goats had denuded the once-lush terrain, transforming brush and cloud forests into patchy grassland.

While I didn’t make it to the remote volcanoes on Isabela, I was able to tag along for two weeks with a National Geographic research team tracking giant tortoises. Although the tortoises were interesting (they’ve been a victim of the goats, who have eaten up their food source), I was there for the .223-caliber rifles. You see, several trigger-happy park rangers were accompanying the scientists and they were mad. Their goal was to shoot and kill any goat they saw. I learned they were part of the world’s largest eradication campaign-an $18 million effort to rid the islands of 140,000 feral goats.

But I never saw them use the rifles, for by now, ten years after the start of the campaign, they have become so fit and smart they can run down the goats on foot (and bullets cost money). The first time I witnessed the exhilarating chase, I thought it couldn’t be that hard to keep up with them. While the rangers nimbly corralled the goats into a basin depression, coordinating with each other in an elegant ballet, I had found a rock to stub my toe on. And that was that.

For the next two weeks, we feasted on goats. More accurately, the first week was a feast. Then we ran out of spices. Yet still, we were too polite not to chow down the goat soup, goat sandwiches, goat sushi (only once), and whatever else the park rangers / part-time chefs cooked up.

I stayed up late into the night talking to them about goats-and trying to digest my dinner. I learned that the national park imported hunting dogs from New Zealand and trained them to track and kill goats. Helicopters were pressed into service for sharpshooters to reach rugged highlands. To flush out holdouts, the park released “Judas” goats, including sterilized females plied with hormones to keep them in heat and attract males.

All in all, these rangers have been excellent hunters who were using the latest technology, and it’s paid off-this year they managed to wipe out the goats on Isabela. “A great battle has been won,” Victor Carrion, subdirector of the park, said to me later, though he cautioned that much more work needs to be done eradicating other invasive species.

Although one bane has been eliminated, others are at large. In northern Isabela, rats have ravaged the last two nesting sites of mangrove finches, estimated at fewer than 100. And both rats and feral cats have decimated a subspecies of marine iguana (Amblyrhynchus cristatus albemarlensis) endemic to Isabela, prompting the World Conservation Union to add it to its vulnerable list in 2004. Rangers have set out traps and poison for Isabela’s rats and are plotting eradication campaigns on Floreana and Santiago islands. An effort to poison feral cats will commence next year.
Impressive, no doubt.

But those rangers?

They were not good cooks.

%Gallery-14288%

%Gallery-14289%