Top five tips for newbies visiting nude beaches

by Tom Johansmeyer on

Are you planning to go “clothing optional” for the first time? From what I understand, you can have a lot of fun, but there are rules to be followed. Failing to do so can lead to an awkward situation or worse. Most of this is common sense, of course, which is probably why it’s worth mentioning. You can have fun without coming across as a disgusting nut job. I found a list of suggestions for first-time visitors to nude beaches over on Fox News and pulled the top five for you, below:

1. Wear protection: you’ll have much more of your body exposed to the sun than usual, so bring and apply sunscreen – lots of it. Could you imagine getting a sunburn on your… exactly. Test out sunscreen on areas where you may not be accustomed t wearing it, because your body may have an unexpected (and unpleasant) reaction.

2. Expect to be a hottie: if you think you’re going to find tight bodies pulled into provocative positions all over the beach, prepare yourself for some disappointment. You may get lucky and run into something sweet, but much will sag and drag.

And speaking of getting lucky … 3. Forget about sex: to feel comfortable on a nude beach, it seems, you need to be ready to take sex out of the equation. This isn’t the case at some beaches, however, which specialize in fostering carnality. But, be ready for bodies ready to be put to work. Look at (2) above, and prepare for the tables to be turned. Do a little jogging before hitting one of these destinations.

4. Leave your camera at home: even if you think you’re the next Larry Flynt, you should leave your inner shutterbug behind for a day. Photography and video are highly inappropriate. So is staring, in case you couldn’t figure that out on your own. Would you want anyone to do this for you? Wait … don’t answer that (except maybe in the comments below).

5. Take a towel: there are some places where you’ll need to cover up. Dining areas, bathrooms and entering and exiting the beach typically call for modesty, however much you may loathe it. Don’t do it for you – do it for everyone else.

[photo by ilovememphis via Flickr]

The naughty postcard museum

by Sean McLachlan on

The British have always been famous for their humor, both dry wit and the naughtier brand. One man who combined the two is being celebrated in a new museum that opened in Ryde in the Isle if Wight yesterday.

Donald McGill, Britain’s “king of vulgarity”, illustrated thousands of postcards over an almost sixty-year career. He was best known for simple double-entedres like the one pictured to the right. He also has the distinction of making it into the Guinness Book of World Records for the most sales of an individual postcard–one featuring a bookish man and an attractive young woman sitting under a tree. The guy peers over a volume and asks the girl, “Do you like Kipling?” to which she replies, “I don’t know, you naughty boy, I’ve never kippled!” That sold more than six million copies.

One of his most popular, and most controversial, shows two men admiring an attractive woman as one says to the other, “She’s a nice girl. Doesn’t drink or smoke, and only swears when it slips out!”

In the age of Internet pornography these barely qualify for a PG rating, but in Britain before the Sixties they shocked stogy traditional sensibilities. In 1953 many local jurisdictions raided the shops selling his postcards and burned any they found. The next year at the age of 79, McGill had to face what the museum’s curator called a “show trial” for obscenity. He got off with a fine, but the ruling almost killed the saucy postcard industry.

The Donald McGill Museum website is still under construction but shows some more examples of McGill’s work.


Photo courtesy Donald McGill via Wikimedia Commons.

Erotic bathhouse art in Pompeii

by Sean McLachlan on

Visitors to the ancient Roman city of Pompeii are already familiar with the eye-popping art in the brothel, but most miss another naughty site–Pompeii’s suburban baths.

The changing room in these baths had cubbyholes for storing clothing. Each one was decorated with lively scenes of straight sex, group sex, oral sex, and just plain acrobatic sex. The example to the right, with two men and one woman enjoying each other’s company, is a typical example.

While many Roman baths segregated men and women, this suburban bath was a mixed one, so perhaps it served as a place for amorous trysts. Another theory is that the pictures were advertisements for prostitutes. Both men and women in ancient Rome uses prostitutes, although of course the majority of customers were men. A third theory holds that the pictures were a way to make the customers remember where they left their clothes.

“Where’s my toga? Ah yes, in the cubbyhole with the bisexual orgy.”

A large amount of erotic art has been found in Pompeii, from explicit graffiti to phallic dinnerware, and the city had a reputation for looseness before Mt. Vesuvius erupted and covered it with ash in 79 AD. The ash preserved many artifacts and buildings, making Pompeii and her sister city Herculaneum two of the archaeological treasures of the world.

The baths were closed for decades after their discovery, first out of prudishness and then for conservation work. Only small groups with special permission may enter, so you’ll need to book through a tour. You can check out all the images here, and if you want to wander through the city check out Pompeii on Google Street View.

SkyMall Monday: Spa-N-A-Box Portable Spa

by Mike Barish on

One of the best aspects of travel is meeting new people. One of the best aspects of meeting knew people is putting your penis inside them. Yes, travel sex is one of the great pleasures of the road. But the art of seduction is not easily mastered and many people struggle with language barriers, culture clashes and hygiene differences. Thankfully, SkyMall knows that everyone could use a little help in the romance department. That’s why they’re always there with sultry apparel, sex toys and inflatables. If you’ve met someone while traveling, had a few drinks and need to seal the deal, you’re going to need to impress her in a way that no one else can. Simply being a visitor from another city, state or country is not enough. You’re not as mysterious and interesting as you think. Odds are you’re actually quite boring and filled with cliché anecdotes about full moon beach parties and frequent flier miles. That’s why you need the ultimate seduction tool. SkyMall Monday is very aroused excited about this week’s product. The next time you find yourself away from home and ready to get to home base, simply set up your Spa-N-A-Box Portable Spa.Up until now, hot tubs have been inconveniently immobile. The static nature of these spas meant that you had to be suave enough to lure a woman to your home simply with your charm, wit and willingness to order her as many pomegranate mojito-tinis as possible before her homely gal pal dragged her away. That was expensive and dangerous (alcohol poisoning is no laughing matter unless it involves clowns). Now, you can simply set up your Spa-N-A-Box right there at the bar if need be. You’ll go from Spa-N-A-Box to Dick in a Box in no time.

Thinking that packing a spa will be expensive and burdensome? Don’t believe that you need a Jacuzzi to lure a young lady’s mouth towards your phallus? Virgins like you make me sad. Let’s check out the product description:

Buy Comfort Line Products’ Spa-N-A-Box Portable Spa and you can enjoy having a totally portable spa that fits easily into those hard to get to locations – both indoors and out! Relax, now you can treat yourself to a soothing, hydro-therapeutic massage any time, anywhere…The barrier-free seating arrangement allows you freedom of movement.

It fits into hard to get locations…just like your penis! And that freedom of movement is going to come in handy when you also invite your new lady friend’s homely gal pal to join you for a soak. The more the merrier, right?

Don’t just take SkyMall’s word for it. For the first time ever, we’re also taking a look at the user reviews. Check out what this satisfied customer had to say:

“We live in a trailer, we have a cement slab… set the hot tub up …. completly and totally amazing!!! Wonderful!!!! It feels bigger than it is. We are VERY happy!!!“
Gender: Female
Age: 46-50

If that middle-aged lady is getting busy on a cement slab in a trailer park, imagine how easy it will be for you to get some action in a place where everyone has their teeth.

You can waste your time with conversation, personality and respect or you can cut to the chase and get wet. Choose the latter. Choose the Spa-N-A-Box Portable Spa. Choose chlorine.

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.


First impressions of Ethiopia

by Sean McLachlan on

They say first impressions are lasting impressions, and while that’s a cliché, strong first impressions of a country can tell you a lot.

I’ve been in Addis Ababa, the capital of Ethiopia, for four days now. My wife has just joined me and I’m treating her to a two-week road trip around the historic northern part of the country to celebrate our tenth anniversary. Memories make the best presents, after all.

This is our first time in sub-Saharan Africa and we’ve both been taken by surprise, summed up by my wife’s assessment of the Ethiopians: “They’re like us.”

(She’s Spanish, so when she says “us” she means Mediterranean people.)

To a great extent they are–in attitudes, priorities, even many mannerisms. With 1500 years of Christianity and an even longer period of nationhood, along with several centuries of Islamic learning and contact with the Mediterranean, Middle East, and South Asia, they’ve developed a culture similar enough to Southern Europe to be recognizable while different enough to be intriguing.

Take social life, for instance. Ethiopians have a great cafe culture and love to while away the hours sipping coffee, chatting with friends, and reading the paper at their favorite cafe. Addis Ababa has a wealth of cafes, both traditional and modern, to suit every mood. The Ethiopians discovered coffee, and it’s equally excellent everywhere, so you pick your place by location and decor.

Their attitude to education is similar to ours too. Private schools abound, the capital has plenty of good bookshops, and every city of any size has at least one university. I’ll be taking a closer look at the schools in a later post in the series.

There’s a relaxed relationship between the sexes here that’s much like our own. While many people frown on premarital sex, that doesn’t stop them from having dating. This has a beneficial effect for female Western travelers in that they won’t be constantly harassed by chronically lonely men like often happens in northern India and parts of the Middle East. Both male and female travelers will receive a fair amount of innocent flirting, though. Considering how good looking the Ethiopians are, this isn’t a bad thing.

%Gallery-85449%I’m ashamed to admit that I thought Addis Ababa was going to be dirty. While it’s a poor city, a small army of street sweepers keeps it pretty tidy. They can’t stop the dust that blows everywhere, though, and the pollution is as bad as a Western city during rush hour. One stark difference is the poverty. There are countless beggars. Many of them are farmers whose crops have failed and they’ve been forced to come to the city to find food. Others are handicapped or have suffered injuries that keep them from working. More prosperous Ethiopians readily give to beggars and don’t judge them simply because they’re poor. This is a pleasant difference from our own culture.

So in the first four days we haven’t had any real culture shock. Expats living in Addis Ababa say it’s easy to slip into daily life here. The Ethiopians we know in Madrid say the same thing about Spain!

Of course we’ve only seen the capital city so far and talked to members of only three of Ethiopia’s many ethnic groups, so as we travel around Ethiopia for the next two months I suspect we’ll discover many differences.

But I bet we’ll find some more similarities too.