SkyMall Monday: FaceTrainer

Growing older means adjusting to change. Change in your interests, change in your appearance and change in your ability to digest dairy without eye-burning flatulence. While people may enjoy the first and torture their spouses with the third, it’s the second that causes people much consternation. People try to hide the affects of aging using everything from creams to salves to balms to ointments to lotions. But what everyone forgets is that only one thing can truly help you turn back the clock. No, I’m not talking about eating babies to absorb their youthful souls. That only helps with spider veins. In order to make your face look like it did when you were a teenager (minus the embarrassing acne and nose that was too big for your head), you need to turn to SkyMall. This week, SkyMall Monday is here to give us all that youthful appearance that we all long to recapture. Forget about all of those placenta treatments and bird poop facials. It’s time that you restored your face to its former glory by shoving it into the Face Trainer.FaceTrainer is made by the good people at no!no! Why would you name your company no!no!? Probably because you sell rape whistles. But no!no! sells skin care products. So, you know, we’re not going to focus on the name. We prefer to focus on results. And what’s better than facial muscle resistance training in an unobtrusive mask?

Would you rather grow old gracefully or pump your face full of botulism? You’re simply going to be a liver-spotted old hag with an inability to emote. But you don’t have to take my word for it. You never do so why start now? Take a look at the product description and your face will begin to tighten up immediately:

Get a natural looking lift and look years younger with FaceTrainer, the only fitness device that applies the proven principals of resistance training to facial muscles. With just 10 minutes a day in the privacy of your own home, you can tighten sagging skin and ease the signs of aging. Clear, easy to follow illustrated and video instructions take you step-by-step through the exercises for the ultimate workout.

By now, you’re surely itching to watch these aforementioned instructional videos. Well, I’m sure you have work to do right now, but if you really want to watch people do facial exercises while inside a bondage costume, then don’t let me stop you. Just click here and keep some tissues and lotion close by.

You can continue to trip over your jowls or you can strap on the FaceTrainer and experience a “71% reduction in sagging.” The remaining 29% of sagging will just allow you to keep food crumbs stashed in the folds of your skin for when you get hungry in the middle of a movie.

Don’t just sit around growing old and waiting to die. Run away from death’s cold, icy grip by continuing to look young and virile. Strap on the FaceTrainer and unleash your inner child.

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.

Australia’s Macquarie Island

Have you ever had an obese, wild baby elephant seal drop its head in your lap and slobber nose love all over you? It melts a heart faster than a Snickers in a microwave, really.

Macquarie Island (pronounced mak-worry) is Australia’s southernmost point, a tiny spit of an island some 940 miles (1,500 km) southeast of Tasmania. For you mariners out there that’s a three-day sail from Hobart-past the roaring 40s and into the furious 50s. The island is only about twenty miles long and two miles across-a lonely scrap of sub-antarctic landscape consisting of pointed grassy slopes and rocky beaches where mist lingers all the day long.

Discovered in 1810 by wayward sealers, Macquarie was kept a secret in order that they get rich quick from the magnificent seal colonies living on the island. In 1811, the first ship to arrive in Sydney from Macquarie carried almost 57,000 seal skins. Today, the descendants of these piles of skins still tumble along the salt and pepper sand, bellowing out the unique throaty growl of the adult elephant seal. It’s quite a sight. Forget all your images of Australia’s man-eating crocodiles and creepy snakes and spiders. Here is a different kind of nature reserve where the local attraction grows to 20 feet long, weighs more than three tons, and spends most of the day sleeping on the beach.Macquarie is not your typical vacation destination–there is no permanent human population and there are no hotels or restaurants (though the chef at the Australian meteorological station bakes terrific scones). Also, it rains pretty much constantly and on most days, the wind blows hard enough to knock you down.

What Macquarie does have is wildlife and a lot of it. Thanks to extreme isolation, very little human contact and strict conservation rules, the animals on Macquarie harbor no fear of humans whatsoever. While guidelines instruct keeping at least 30 feet from any wild animal, the sheer abundance of living breathing cute cuddly things makes it impossible. You try hard not to touch or interfere, but if they come to you, then just let them. Sit down on the beach and the baby elephant seals will flop their way towards you, sniff you out, then curl up beside you begging to spoon. Likewise, brown fluffy balls of baby penguins come teetering up to check you out, then start screeching for mom and dad. The cuteness factor trumps a million sneezing panda vids.

Four kinds of penguin live on Macquarie. The largest and most vivid are the elegant King penguins who are the slightly smaller cousins to the iconic Emperor penguins (the ones you and your kids know and love from Happy Feet). As a self-certified, card-carrying member of the penguin craze, I went berserk on watching all the action that goes on in Macquarie’s penguin colony. Even more amusing were the royal penguins, who waddle to and from shore shaking their bushy yellow eyebrows. The species is only found on this island and number well over a million pairs.

We later traveled to Lusitania Bay, Australia’s largest protected penguin rookery. From out of the white fog, the shore appeared like a dream sequence. At first I saw nothing except a buzzing black and white screen beyond the mist. Suddenly our little boat lurched forward and the beach came into focus: not hundreds, not thousands, but a hundred thousand or more penguins. An unreal sight and an unreal sound, that of an infinite chorus of nasally seabirds calling out in almost-unison. Penguins were diving and swimming all around us as well, bulleting through the golden ripples of waves. I’ve never felt so outnumbered in my life.

In the distance, a pair of old-fashioned rusty steam cookers sat on the beach as an eerie reminder of the island’s exploitative past. Once upon a time, men gathered up penguins and threw them in the pot to boil up some penguin oil, used to make rope and twine back in the day. The penguins triumphed, thank goodness, and today the island is a vital breeding spot.

I sailed to Macquarie on the MV Orion, an Australian expedition ship which–in the spirit of Gadling’s motto, goes there–or in other words, goes to the places where few ships ever go. (If you’re going to travel to one of the least habitable islands in the world, it helps to be traveling on one of the world’s most habitable ships.) As tourist interest broadens, the government still limits visits to under twelve ships a year. Extraordinary bird life attracts all the gung ho bird nuts out there, while map nuts like me are eager to get to such a remote place and see what we can see.

I feel immensely lucky to have traveled to this forgotten map crumb of Australia. I loved the penguins and friendly elephant seals and the giant killer whales swimming in the shallows. The brown-green kelp and chunks of ice on the beach added an extra twinge of exoticism, however it was the island itself that attracted me-a rare and lonely place at the bottom of the world that few know and even fewer ever visit.%Gallery-79934%

Girls’ getaway at The Osprey offers more than the norm

Ladies, give yourselves a break this winter. As you plan your next girls getaway, keep The Osprey at Beaver Creek in mind. This RockResort is the closest hotel to a chairlift in North America, and its post-New Year escape package is sure to put you in a room. From January 6 – 9, 2010, the ReTreat Yourself package combines skiing and snowboarding (guided by pro athletes) and yoga with Beaver Creek instructors – all with the goal of building a little girl power.

So, recharge yourself once the anxiety of the holiday season is behind you with three nights at The Osprey, daily skiing and snowboarding lessons by pros Megan Pischke-Porcheron (snowboarder), Barrett Christy-Cummins (snowboarder) and Kasha Rigby (skier). Then, spend several sessions calming your spirit with Forrest Yoga teacher Amy Baker, balancing the excitement of the slopes with the pursuit of relaxation. Life coach Linda Kennoy is on hand to conduct sessions on Manifesting Your True Personal Power, Fate and Destiny and Energy Fields, Magic and Soul Mates (well, the other stuff sounds pretty cool). The package also includes daily breakfast and lunch, mini spa treatments and a consultation with a skin esthetician.

At $1,428.32, this is a bargain, especially since all resort fees and taxes are included (except lift tickets, which are available at a discounted rate.

Vacation comfortably in (only) your own skin

Lost your shirt in the market? Thankfully, some destinations will provide service absent one. You won’t need shoes … or pants … either. Nude tourism is on the rise according to some estimates, and the industry is pegged at $400 million annually.

Ready to throw your vacation fund into the mix?

Packing, apparently, is easy. Maybe you’ll need some sandals or bring a book, and sun block is certainly in order. Once you get settled, strip down, step outside and join the fun. Most nude resorts have plenty of naked activities for you to enjoy.

When you think kink, Hedonism II is usually at the top of the list, but there are plenty of other resorts that cater to the nudies. Click here (CNN) to check a few of them out.

Glacial Shrinkage: Taking one for the Environment

What do glaciers and shrinkage have in common?

Two things when you combine glaciers with global warming and naked bodies.

Photographer Spencer Tunick, who has been making quite a name for himself by taking pictures of mass nudes, has recently turned his lens towards a good cause: global warming.

The photographer, who never seems to have a problem drumming up nude models, enlisted the help of 600 people who hiked to Switzerland’s Aletsch glacier this morning, took off all their clothes, and posed for the largest mass nude shot ever taken on a glacier (I’m taking a wild guess on this one).

The event was to draw attention to the plight of Europe’s rapidly decreasing glaciers, most of which are expected to disappear by 2080 if warming trends continue. The Aletsch glacier itself has receded 377 feet in the last two years and has become the poster child of global warming within Europe. 600 naked people frolicking on its slopes probably haven’t helped in keeping temperatures low, but has at least raised some awareness about the issue amongst those searching for porn on the internet.