SkyMall Monday: Nuclear Globe

by Mike Barish on

Since the Cold War, we have lived in fear of nuclear war. Nuclear disasters from Chernobyl to the recent events in Japan have showed the force and dangers of nuclear power. But, what if I told you that something nuclear could also be fun? While we don’t power SkyMall Monday headquarters with fusion, we do appreciate a good nuclear device. With summer just around the corner, we were thrilled to discover that SkyMall has combined the excitement of nuclear power with the thrill of water sports. Before you worry about fallout, radiation and strange genetic mutations, you should know that this device is only dangerous if poked with something sharp. Here to usher in the zenith of the nuclear age is one of the pinnacle’s of human invention. Ladies and gentlemen, prepare yourselves for the power of the Nuclear Globe.Man has always wanted to walk on water. Now, we all can thanks to the aquatic version of the American Gladiators Atlasphere. Whether powered by a nuclear reactor or just a little elbow grease, man can finally conquer water and enjoy spherical travel.

Think that boats are all we need for water travel? Believe that this globe is not really nuclear? Well, while you tread water we’ll be reading the product description watching the promotional video:


Leave your radiation-blocking lead vests at home, because the only vest that this Nuclear Globe requires is of the floatation variety and if yours is made of lead you’re screwed.

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.

SkyMall Monday: Hangin’ Around Henrietta

by Mike Barish on

We all get lonely sometimes. Maybe you’re an only child with no one to invite to your tea party. Perhaps you’re an elderly widow who’s no longer able to attend the bridge games that used to fill your days. Or you could just be a serial killer biding your time in your seemingly innocuous suburban home, waiting for just the right moment when you show the world that you’re worth everyone’s attention. Whatever the reason for your loneliness, your suffering is felt by everyone here at SkyMall Monday headquarters. Thankfully, your misery ends today. Open your windows, let some light and fresh air in and put on your best spring outfit, because you’re about to entertain a new friend. SkyMall heard your cries (and read your tear-stained diary) and found the perfect companion to make you feel special. Get ready to to welcome your new best friend because it’s time to meet Hangin’ Around Henrietta.Making new friends can be challenging. You have to let your guard down, open yourself up and listen to other people talk on and on about themselves. How tedious! With Hangin’ Around Henrietta, you can do all the talking. Henrietta won’t judge you, like the other children. And, since Henrietta isn’t technically a real child, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with a middle-aged man admiring her through his bathroom window.

Think that hanging a fake child from a tree is creepy? Believe that fake children shouldn’t be displayed upside down? Well, while you see if any sexual predators live in your neighborhood, we’ll be reading the product description:

Any time is playtime as Henrietta celebrates summer days and simpler times from her lofty perch (easily secured to tree branch or ceiling with an authentic rope). The artist sets breezy fun in motion by casting her enchanting, nearly life-size sculpture in quality designer resin and hand-painting it, one piece at a time, complete with lacy pink socks and pigtails.

While your new friend may not be real, its comforting to know that the rope is authentic. When it comes to rope, accept no imitations.

Your lonely days are over thanks to Henrietta. She’s adorable, precocious and won’t fight back here to brighten your day. She’s the prefect friend for anyone (except for adult men, adult women, well-adjusted children, people whose neighbors can see into their yards and anyone who wants to keep themselves off or is already on a law enforcement watch list).

What are you waiting for? Hang that fake girl from your tree today!

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.

SkyMall Monday: Towel Origami Book

by Mike Barish on

As we march deeper into the 21st century, technology will only become a greater force in our lives. From the internet to mobile devices to the near-imminent arrival of jet packs, innovation will continue to push us forward. The flip side, however, is that we will lose more and more of our old ways. As older generations pass on, many of our old ways will be forgotten. Here at SkyMall Monday headquarters, we rely on the oral histories of our elders to guide us. While we progress into a brave new world, those traditions become nothing more than footnotes in history books. Thankfully, SkyMall knows that we must preserve our customs. Thanks to our favorite catalog, those practices that sustained us during our earliest times can be cherished and sustained. We owe a debt of gratitude to SkyMall for the book that will save The Lost Art of Towel Origami.Most of us take towels for granted. Sure, they dry us at our darkest, wettest moments, but towels are so much more than that. They are inspirational beings that bridge the gap between our world and the heavens. Only when they have been folded into their spirit animals can they guide us on life’s many quests. Their sage advice is held in their complex folds.

Think that towels are nothing but overpriced terrycloth? Believe that folding is just for paper? Well, while you fall victim to one of the many household accidents that occur in the bathroom, we’ll be reading the product description:

You’ll never fold a towel the same old way again. Make a guest bath special with towel origami—the art of folding fabrics into cool shapes and creatures.

Crease and crinkle ordinary towels to create an elephant, monkey, ladybug, palm tree, lotus flower, spinning windmill, skyscraper, and more.

Like the elders once did in the rock gardens of rural Japan, you, too, can practice the art of folding fabrics into cool shapes and creatures. And, by elders I mean housekeeping staffs and by rural Japan I mean modern cruise ships.

Preserving the old ways keeps us connected to our past. It shows respect to those who led us here and inspired us to be better. If we lose those traditions, we lose our way. We must fold our towels into sunglasses-wearing elephants. If we don’t, it’s the children who suffer.

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.

SkyMall Monday: Five Stones Ring

by Mike Barish on

There was big news out of SkyMall Monday headquarters this weekend. I got engaged! As you can imagine, we’re pretty thrilled. As you might also imagine, there’s been a lot of talk about rings. I was fortunate enough to be able to give my fiancée my great-grandmother’s ring. It saved me the agony of having to shop for jewelry (and, yes, also a lot of money). Ring shopping is tough. It’s nerve-racking, complicated and, of course, expensive. Thankfully, if you’re in the market for a special ring for an ever more special lady, SkyMall makes the search simple. Forget diamonds. In fact, forget the idea of having just one stone. If you really want to impress your lady – and everyone else – then you need to go all out. You need to maximize your stones. You need the semiprecious power of the Five Stones Ring.Everyone gets a diamond engagement ring. Where’s the fun in that? And plenty of girls have birthstone rings. That’s also cliche. What you need is more stones. Why choose just one? Or two? Five is the real magic number. It took five people to form Voltron. There were five members of The Breakfast Club. And there are five semiprecious stones in the Five Stones Ring. Coincidence? Not at all. Five is where it’s at.

Think that engagement rings need diamonds? Believe that haphazardly throwing five stones into a ring looks like a geologist threw up? Well, keep playing with your rock tumbler while we read the product description:

Can’t decide which semiprecious stone is your favorite? This impressive ring features five of the most popular: amethyst, peridot, citrine, garnet, and iolite.

Oval, emerald, and pear-shaped stones are hand-set in sterling silver bezels on a polished sterling band.

While I have only ever heard of two of those stones, I can only assume it’s because the other three – peridot, citrine and iolite – are so fantastic that they are only known to people much more powerful and sophisticated than me. And since you are combining five different stones, it only makes sense to use three different cuts.

Thankfully, the Five Stones Ring can fit anyone, as it’s available in whole sizes 6-10. I mean, sure, my fiancée is a size 4, but the Five Stones Ring looks even more amazing when worn on the thumb. That should ensure a snug fit.

So, if you need to pop the question – or any question, really – make sure that you go all out. Don’t do the expected. Remember Voltron. Remember the power of five.

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.

SkyMall Monday: USB Cup Warmer

by Mike Barish on

Is coffee part of your morning routine? Do you need coffee to wake up in the morning? Do you tell people not to talk to you until you’ve had your third cup of coffee? If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, you most certainly have a caffeine addiction. Don’t worry, I’m not judging. I don’t drink coffee, but most of my friends do. I’m used to them making me stop at coffee shops with them so that they can get their fix. Heck, my girlfriend starts everyday here at SkyMall Monday headquarters by brewing herself a cup. So, I’m familiar with coffee culture. That means I’m also familiar with the delightful grimace that coffee drinkers make when they take a sip of coffee that has gotten cold. Cold coffee means another trip to the cafe, break room or kitchen. It’s wasted time (that non-coffee drinks spend resenting you). Thankfully, SkyMall has a way to extend the life of your coffee while you’re working. The next time you’re trying to stay productive, keep your coffee warm with the USB Cup Warmer.Now, you can keep your coffee close, warm and delicious. And you can finally force your computer to maximize its power output. It’s about time your computer started supplying power to something useful. The time you used to spend disposing of cold coffee can now be dedicated to churning out TPS reports and attending extra conference calls. Won’t that be awesome?

Think that only approved office electronics should be plugged into your computer? Believe that insulated coffee mugs are all that you need to keep your coffee hot and fresh? Well, while you figure out what’s in non-dairy creamer, we’ll be reading the product description.

This USB Powered Beverage Warmer can keep your beverage, coffee or tea hot all morning long. Since it’s powered from your computer’s USB port it doesn’t require batteries! You’ll be able to keep your drink warm and a safe distance away from your valuable computer with the USB Powered Beverage Warmer’s 56 inch long USB cable.

In addition to keeping your beverage warm, this amazing USB Powered Beverage Warmer also includes four USB ports so you can connect even more USB devices to your computer.

Who doesn’t want an extra almost five-foot-long cord on their desk? At least it keeps your coffee away from any valuable electronics. Unless, of course, you plug some valuable electronics into one of the four additional USB ports. But why would you do that? Because you can? Hogwash!

It seems to me that you have only two choices: Quit drinking coffee (and having stained teeth and horribly offensive breath) or keep your coffee hot with a USB Cup Warmer. I think your decision is pretty obvious. Enjoy this riveting video of your next SkyMall purchase!


Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.