SkyMall Monday: Sling Couture Arm Sling

by Mike Barish on

Remember when you were young and broke your arm and everyone signed your cast? It almost made falling off that jungle gym worth it to have everyone you knew come over to autograph that itchy plaster on your arm. Sure, you ended up with a pale, shriveled limb and a pretty boring summer, but that cast made you popular. Well, adulthood is less conducive to enjoying a cast. As an adult, you have meetings, social obligations and dress codes. It’s hard to attend black tie functions with a bright white cast. And everyone will want to know how you injured yourself. Referencing that jungle gym probably won’t be very plausible. Instead, people will be questioning your decision to make a go at being a professional arm wrestler. But what if you could conceal your busted wing and look fabulous doing it? This week, SkyMall Monday features an accessory that no klutz or failed armed wrestler should be without. SkyMall knows that just because your health is bad doesn’t mean that you can’t look good. And that’s why everyone with a broken arm and an elitist social calendar needs the Sling Couture Arm Sling.Sure, you could wear a plain black sling, but it would lack panache. It would be devoid of flair. It would be bereft of style. And you’re better than that. You need a sling that’s covered in sequins. You know the saying “if you look good, you’ll feel good?” Well, let that good feeling help your arm heal. Sure, the pins and screws and immobilization will go along way towards fusing those bones back together, but narcissism is the best medicine. Rather than asking you about your injury or last place finished in the Tri-County Arm Wrestling Pro-Am, your friends will be wondering how they can break their arms and look as good as you.

Think that bedazzling your ulna isn’t that humorous? Then you don’t get good skeleton jokes. But, make no bones about it, this product is a must for anyone with a broken arm. Just take a look at the product description:

Heal properly in greater comfort, and look good while doing it…When you look better, you will feel better!

Didn’t I just say that? Now you’ve read that theory twice…on the internet…so it’s doubly true!

So, whether you fell off of a jungle gym, sucked at arm wrestling or were thrown down a flight of stairs by Ray Pruit, heal in style with the Sling Couture Arm Sling. Your arm may be broken, but your dignity (and fashion sense) will still be intact. And that’s really all that matters.

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.

SkyMall Monday: Cat Toilet Training System

by Mike Barish on

For some reason, despite the fact that I don’t like cats, feline products get a lot of attention from SkyMall Monday. We’ve featured a litter box and a talking food bowl. But this week, we’re tackling a problem that has long flummoxed cat owners. You see, cats already act like they own their homes. They’re aloof, ambivalent and seem to genuinely enjoy watching humans scoop up their feces. It’s that last issue that sticks out the most. How can they truly be the heads of their households when they can’t even clean up after themselves? In order for cats to completely evolve into our furry overlords, they’ll need to stop pooping in litter boxes and start using toilets. While it may seem terrifying strange for cats to use toilets, it’s the logical progression towards them dominating and overthrowing their owners. However, cats can’t teach themselves to use the facilities. They’ll need their current “masters’ to assist them. And knowing how insane cat owners really are, I’m certain that they will have no problem being party to their own eventual enslavement. And that’s why they will all be thrilled to discover that SkyMall is ready to help them take the first step towards building making their cats independent. Because SkyMall now offers the Cat Toilet Training System.Cats may lack opposable thumbs and the ability to wipe their own butts, but they have the desire to humiliate their owners and an affinity for licking themselves. And that’s why they’ll take to toilet training like a squirrel takes to underpants. Sure, they’ll need you to open the bathroom door. And to flush the toilet. And to update the issues of Cat Fancy that you keep in the bathroom. But it will all be worth it when you’re twenty minutes late for work because your cat has explosive diarrhea and you couldn’t get into the bathroom to take a shower.

Think that toilets are only for people and thirsty dogs? I bet you don’t even believe that monkeys should be on ice skates. Well, the animal experts over at SkyMall beg to differ.

The best way to deal with the unpleasant task of cleaning out the litter box is to do away with it for good. With the Litter Kwitter 3-Step Cat Toilet Training System, you can teach your cat to use any human toilet in eight weeks or less. The age or weight of your cat doesn’t matter and it works in multiple cat households too.

I suppose that toilet training your cat is a better solution to the litter box issue than hot gluing its anus shut. Though I do fear that young, tiny kittens will fall into the toilet where they will fall prey to abandoned alligators that live in the sewers.

So, in eight weeks, you can finally make yourself completely subservient to your cat. Once he can use the toilet, there will be no stopping him from finding a job of his own, supporting himself and kicking you out of the house. And while being homeless may be tough, at least then you can start pooping wherever you want. Surely some cat will come along and scoop it up.

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.


SkyMall Monday: Wrist Cell Phone Carrier

by Mike Barish on

The older we get, the more forgetful we become. How many times have you misplaced your car keys? How often do you walk into a room and have no idea why you did so? If you had a nickle for every time you put your infant daughter on the roof of your car while you unlocked the door and then drove away with her still stashed up there, how rich would you be?

We all forget things from time to time. Whether it’s which pills to take, your own name or your alibi, it’s always embarrassing when your memory fails you. There is perhaps nothing more frustrating than losing your cellphone. You could try calling it but it’s often your only phone. You can have a friend call it, but you won’t hear it because you probably also forgot your hearing aid. Eventually, you just have to curl up in a ball and wait for the cold hand of death to reach you.

Well, not anymore! Now, SkyMall has decided that lost cellphones are a problem that can no longer be tolerated. This scourge must be thwarted. Rather than rummaging through your purse, checking your couch cushions and using a jeweler’s eye to inspect your dog’s anal cavity, you’ll always know exactly where your cellphone is. It’s strapped to your wrist in the Wrist Cell Phone Carrier.Who knew that your wrist could prove so useful? Sure, you could place your cellphone in your pocket, purse or, if you’re a middle-aged white man, on your belt, but that would only be moderately convenient. You’re a person on the go and need your phone constantly at the ready. Pockets are linty. Purses are filled with tampons and crumpled up tissues that look used but that your mother insists are clean. And those holsters just make you look like a douchebag. Clearly, the wrist is the only place to store your cellphone safely and with class.

Think that wrists are only for watches and masturbating? Well, does SkyMall have news for you. Take a look at the product description:

This innovative accessory uses sturdy Velcro to insure the safety of your phone and has been extensively tested by active joggers, cyclists, skate boarders, fishermen, hunters and business people.

Is there anything more innovative than Velcro? Plus, apparently it provides insurance, which is something that even the President and Congress are having difficulty doing. I only wish we knew how race walkers felt about it.

What a relief that we’ll never have to worry about losing our cellphones again. Now we can focus all our energy on remembering, um, to, er, what was I going to say? Shoot. Cellphones…memory…then I wanted to tell you to…uh…pick up milk…take the blue pill…dang it. Whatever. Just get the Wrist Cell Phone Carrier and you can call your spouse. Lord knows that they’ll remind you of everything you forgot.

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.


SkyMall Monday: Urine Gone

by Mike Barish on

You might not think that writing about SkyMall is very extreme. But I’m constantly dodging marshmallows, defending my lawn ornaments and hiding from biker gangs. The adrenaline rushes are frequent and intense. And while my SkyMall gadgets make my life comfortable and easy, they’ve also made me a bit of a wuss. Thanks to SkyMall, I’m too relaxed. I’m scared of my own shadow. And that means that every sound startles me. Every challenge seems daunting. And every person appears threatening. When your life is cushy and easy, everything new or different becomes extreme. And extreme becomes frightening. And frightening becomes terrifying. Sadly, I don’t handle fear very well. As such, I pee my pants…a lot. With every bump in the night, I get another puddle on my rug. And trust me, when it rains it pours. Since I can’t expect the rest of the world to calm down and take it easy on me, I have learned to adapt to how extreme everything out there is. That’s why I treat the symptom and not the disease (well, that and therapy is really expensive). Now, when things get intense and I get damp, I simply whip out my Urine Gone.Urine Gone is the answer to my prayers. Now, I can wet my pants, my rugs and my friends without consequence. I simply pee wherever my rapidly beating heart desires and then Urine Gone it away once I’ve stopped crying and come out from under the bed (Author’s note: under the bed is a super hiding spot). I simply locate the pee with the included blacklight (yes, you read that correctly) and the Urine Gone treats the stain and the asparagus smell (just because I pee my pants a lot doesn’t mean that I’m going to stop eating healthy).

Think that wearing a diaper would be a more effective solution? I think I’d look pretty stupid wearing a diaper. Besides, a diaper can’t handle the vast amount of urine that escapes my body when I’m scared. And Urine Gone is way more fun than wearing a diaper. Just take a look at the product description:

A UV black light detects the source – the cleaner removes stains and odors! Just darken the room–the black light makes stains glow.

Who doesn’t want to see their pee glow? Finding the glowing urine becomes a game that’s fun for the entire family!

So, the next time that life gets too extreme for you and you find yourself soaked in your own filth, don’t fret. Because urine comes and urine goes, but hiding under your bed is fun forever.

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.


SkyMall Monday: A Cornucopia of Foods

by Mike Barish on

Writing about SkyMall products can generate a real man-sized hunger. Living in New York, I’m surrounded by culinary options from around the globe. I can easily walk from the the SkyMall Monday Headquarters to any number of restaurants specializing in the cuisines of Thailand, Nepal, Italy, Afghanistan, Turkey and Canada (yes, Canada), just to name a few. But sometimes I want to experience the flavors of the world without leaving home. Sure, I could have those restaurants deliver, but I want credit for cooking these meals. And by cooking, I mean constructing and heating up meals that one can only hope freeze, travel and defrost well. Thankfully, SkyMall understands that you don’t need to travel to experience the food of other cultures. Quite frankly, it makes more sense to let the food do the traveling while I stay put. Food doesn’t have to get patted down at the airport or deal with the chatty guy in seat 13F who smells like farts and disappointment. When food comes to you, it makes you more special than the meal. Because you were the one worth visiting. So, what myriad treats can SkyMall deliver to your door? I hope you’re hungry, because I’m going to be putting a heaping helping into your mouth today.Famous Fast Food Bundle (Pictured above) – Containing a Vienna Beef Hot Dog Kit, Original Philly Cheesesteak Co. Kit and Anchor Bar Buffalo wings, this all-in-one party-in-a-box comes with the fixings for 16 Chicago-style hot dogs, six Philly cheesesteaks and two pounds of Buffalo wings. Invite your best girl over for an intimate evening and be sure to contact your lawyer to get your affairs in order before ingesting all that brain food.

Sausage Lovers Bundle – Here’s what you do: Invite over each and every one of your best bros. All the fellas from the gym. The lads from the office. The guys from your cuddle parties. Gather ’em all up and then unfurl your Sausage Lovers Bundle on their asses! They won’t know what hit the backs of their throats as they take in those two pounds of Vienna Beef Polish sausage, 2.25 pounds of Usinger’s Cooked Brats and eight ounces of Vienna Beef Frankwurts. It will no doubt be the hottest, juicest and zestiest sausage party that those men have ever attended. Your party, like the frankwurts, will be “enormous!” And remember, pack plenty of condiments, because while the “natural hog casing gives it a distinctive snap,” it’s up to you to give it a protective wrap.

Johnnie’s Pastrami Dip – Typically, I like my pastrami to be made by someone named Morty or Schlomo, but only Johnnie can turn this delightful meat into something so classy. Because all it takes is “one bite of the pastrami and you know this is real fine dining.” Tablecloth, butler and silver platter not included.

Angelina’s Crab Cakes – “One bite identifies the meat as 100% domestic blue crab, the exclusive, expensive variety that’s worth every succulent nibble.” Because when you have to be told about an items exclusivity and price, you know it’s classy. Just ask the Real Housewives of [insert name of any city that has been featured on that show].

Fruitasia – Easier to navigate than its cousin Southeast Asia and significantly more delicious than it’s sibling, euthanasia, Fruitasia is a treat for all of your senses. “A feast of flavors and sweet nectars – 16 pieces of fruit in all – this selection offers harvest-fresh morsels from every corner of the grove. Equally opulent is its dramatic presentation, making it irresistible to lavish on someone special.” That’s a grandiose way of saying that it’s a basket with three kinds of pears, two kinds of apples and some navel oranges.

Rocky Mountain Chocolates – Perhaps no region is more world-renowned for its confections than the American West.

I could go on, but, well, I’m starving. Check out all 50 food items offered in the SkyMall catalog when you have some time. Assuming you don’t eat any of them, it will be a great use of your time.

As for me, I have to get the invites out for my upcoming Presidents Day Sausage Party. They’ll be delivered in shipping tubes. I hope to see you there.

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.