SkyMall Monday: Gear Shift Madness!

by Mike Barish on

SkyMall Monday loves cars. Sure. the SkyMall Monday headquarters is my studio apartment in New York City and I don’t own a car because I take subways everywhere, but still, cars are neat. Don’t you wish that everything you owned was designed like a car? Cars are just so perfect and amazing and cool. They’re so much more amazing than our boring household items. Thankfully, the good folks at SkyMall understand that we’re sick and tired of our boring and mundane lives. That’s why they feature not one, not two, but three thrilling household products that look like automobile gear shifts! And this week, we’re going to ruminate on all of them.
6-speed Toilet Plunger (pictured above) – Clog the toilet again with one of your Cadillac-sized poops? You could grab your classic plunger but, yawn, what’s the fun in that? If you’re going to go toe-to-toe with a pipe-demolishing clump of feces, you’re going to need six gears of elbow grease. So, confidently continue eating all the Taco Bell that you can shovel into your gullet with the knowledge that your toilet plunger can handle everything that you throw at it.*

Need more proof? The product description is much more convincing than I could ever hope to be:

Well, you need a plunger anyhow, so why not get this one that has a machined aluminum shaft and shifter knob (engraved with a 6-speed shifter pattern). Heck, stick the rubber bellows to the floor and you can practice your speed shifting while you’re doing–well, you know.

I mean, yeah, you need a plunger anyway, so, you know, get the $36 novelty version. And then just stick it to your floor and practice your “speed shifting” while spreading E. coli all over your home.

Gear Shift Coat Rack – Let’s dive right into the product description on this one, shall we?

It has five hooks to let you hang coats, hats, shirts, polishing cloths, etc. within easy reach-each hook is shaped like a classic manual gear shifter.

Oh, so that’s what you can hang on hooks. Coats, hats and shirts! And you’ll finally have a place to hang your polishing clothes. If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it,well, probably just once. And this is going to be that one time. Here it comes. Please hang your polishing cloths on the Gear Shift Coat Rack!

Gearshift Wine Bottle Stopper – You’ve just completed hosting another successful cocktail party. You’ve cleared your toilet with the 6-speed Toilet Plunger. Your guests have collected their coats and polishing cloths from the Gear Shift Coat Rack. Now you need to put away that open bottle of Merlot. But you don’t want it to go bad. You need to seal it up with the Gearshift Wine Bottle Stopper. Don’t believe me? Take a look at the product description:

The ideal gift for the wine-loving car buff!

Now, I would have thought that this was the ideal gift for the wine-loving car buff, but I don’t write for SkyMall, so what do I know?

And there you have it. Three delightful gearshift-themed products and two ways to spell gear shift. SkyMall doesn’t care if it’s one or two words so long as it’s the design focus of as many products as possible.

So, shift your credit card into high gear and enjoy life in the fast lane. See what I did there?

* Don’t throw feces. That’s just gross.

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.

SkyMall Monday: Head Spa Massager

by Mike Barish on

SkyMall Monday understands that we all have stress. Between our jobs, families and monkey attacks, the world can be an overwhelming place. You need to find ways to relieve the tension that life creates before it puts your health at risk. Sure, you could turn to alcohol or drugs, but that’s expensive. You could call a hooker, but that’s probably expensive, too (and if you keep it cheap, it’s probably going to cause more stress for you later when the itching and burning kick in). So what should you do? Well, that’s simple. You should strap fifty dollars worth of plastic and imported electronics to your head. You should buy the Head Spa Massager.

Now you can continue to go about your business at the office, around the house and at the sci-fi convention with your hands free and your tension alleviated. Are you a person treating his stress, a savvy SkyMall shopper or a galactic warrior from the planet Florgon? If you’re wearing the Head Spa Massager, you’ll look like all three but you won’t care because you’ll feel your tension subsiding with each electronic pulse that courses directly into your skull.

I could praise this outstanding example of design all day but I don’t get paid by the word. So, I’ll let the true poets of our generation, the writers at SkyMall, do it best with their product description:

This patented Italian design incorporates Japanese engineering and utilizes acupressure to relax and soothe your problems away. It’s like thousands of tiny fingers simultaneously massaging your scalp. Simply place our Head Spa Massager on your head and feel the tension miraculously leave your body.

Japanese engineering and Italian design? It’s like the United Nations is massaging your scalp! If a robot was walking the fashion runways of Milan, this is what it would look like! You could be that couture robot! And you’ll be free from all that stress and tension!

So, forget bubble baths, glasses of wine and high-class call girls. Just strap the Head Spa Massager on your dome and let the miracles happen.

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.

SkyMall Monday: Electric Travel Blanket

by Mike Barish on

Here at SkyMall Monday, we realize that SkyMall’s popularity is based on our desire to let technology solve all of our problems. Hungry? Cook a hot dog. Hit your child? Stop the bleeding. But what about when you’re in the car with your spouse and the air conditioning has made you uncomfortably cold? Sure, you could politely ask him to adjust the settings to warm you up but that would require you to select the proper words and tone of voice to convey your feelings in a healthy and respectful way. Why not keep your mouth shut and solve the problem by yourself? Because doesn’t it make much more sense to use the Electric Travel Blanket?

Let’s be honest. Talking is overrated. Your spouse works hard all day. He pays the bills, buys you nice things and drives you places in his temperature controlled vehicle. The last thing he needs is you yapping in his ear about how cold it is in the car. Frankly, if he wants to turn the car into a portable meat locker, that’s his prerogative. Why would he want to adjust the air conditioning settings just to make you comfortable? Geez, you’re so selfish. So solve your own problems by plugging a blanket into the car’s cigarette lighter and warm yourself.

Think I’m being over-dramatic? The good folks who write the SkyMall product descriptions agree with me and they’re geniuses. I mean, they write for SkyMall! Take a look:

For as long as cars have been air-conditioned, drivers and passengers have bickered about the “right” temperature. With this super-soft electric car blanket, the “colder” person can be comfortable, even when the A/C is on full-blast.

Yes, it truly is a story as old as time. And by putting the word “colder” in quotation marks, we understand that what they really meant to say was “whiny.” So quit your bitching about the air conditioning because your man likes his cars cold, not his women. Just save your relationship with the Electric Travel Blanket.

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.

SkyMall Monday: Pop-Up Hot Dog Cooker

by Mike Barish on

Fact: Americans love tube steak. Fact: I am wildly amused by the term “tube steak.” Fact: You’re reading SkyMall Monday. This week we solve the age-old problem that has flummoxed chefs, cooks and food preparers for, well, ages: How do I cook a hot dog? It’s a riddle, wrapped in a mystery, inside an enigma on a toasted bun. Thankfully, our favorite catalog has, once again, come to the rescue. Because now we can finally relax our gag relflexes and enjoy all the tube steaks that we can handle. Now we have the Pop-Up Hot Dog Cooker.

I know what you’re thinking. “But Mike, I can think of several ways to cook a hot dog. Why do I need a device that only serves one purpose and isn’t the least bit necessary or convenient?” Well, sure, I could “think” of ways to do things until I’m blue in the face. But you can’t think a hot dog into my stomach. And as for being convenient, well, that sounds like a made up word. However, I’ll indulge your fantasies and consider these other alleged ways that you could cook a hot dog.

Microwave: Yeah, it’s fast. But if you mistakenly leave your hot dog in there for 20 minutes it will explode. That’s a risk that I’m just not willing to take.
Grill: Nothing says summer like a hot dog with some gorgeous grill marks. But what happens when I want a hot dog in the winter? You expect me to put a jacket on and grill outside? That’s ludicrous.
Boil: Sure, you could boil a hot dog on your stove top. But have you ever drank the leftover hot dog water? It’s terrible! And pouring the used water down the drain just seems so wasteful.
Oven: This seems convenient, but you’re going to need an oven mitt. That’s how they upsell you. Who’s “they?” Shhh, they’re probably listening to us right now.
Campfire: My landlord frowns upon me using this method.

As always, I defer to the sage masters who provide us with the product description:

Operating much like a pop-up toaster, this unique kitchen appliance lets you easily prepare two hot dogs (complete with toasted buns) in minutes. Its 660-watt electronic heating coil has time settings for heating hot dogs and buns to your taste preference. Crumb basket removes for cleaning.

All of the other cooking methods that I listed above allow you to cook a seemingly unlimited number of hot dogs at one time. The Pop-Up Hot Dog Cooker can only handle two hots dogs and buns, so now you don’t have to worry about portion control. It’s taken care of for you. Plus, you’re middle child will finally get the hint that you don’t like him when he sees that there’s just no hot dog for him to eat.

See, as usual, I’m right. You need the Pop-Up Hot Dog Cooker. You need to stop using logic and reason. You need to pass the relish.

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.

SkyMall Monday: Springflex UB

by Mike Barish on

No doubt, many of you check in on SkyMall Monday while you are at the office. You’re taking a break from your hectic workday to learn about the latest innovations coming from our favorite catalog. But consider how much time you’re spending at your desk. You’re tucked into your cubicle and immobile all day. Your spare tire is growing. Your saddlebags are sagging. You’re slowing dying. And if you die, who’s going to read SkyMall Monday? Stop being so selfish! Stop being so lazy! Get healthy with the Springflex UB!

Look, I know how busy you are. You work all day, take care of your family, and at night you chat online with that handsome stranger who lives two states away and promises to leave his wife for you. There’s just no time for exercise. But now you can maximize your time at the office by getting fit right at your desk.

First, go to your office and have a seat. Now, take off your shirt.* Next, remove your pants [note: be sure to wear your bicycle shorts underneath your khakis]. Go ahead and replace your dress shoes with sneakers. Finally, attach your Springflex UB to your desk and feel the burn. See, you’re exercising and working! Assuming, of course, that your job doesn’t involve you having to type at all. Or use your hands in any way, shape or form.

Perplexed? I can’t imagine why. But I’m certain that the product description will clear things up:

Numerous repetitive stress injuries have been linked to sitting in front of a desk all day. Lower metabolism and increased weight gain have also been linked to a sedentary work day. But what if you could get a workout when you are just sitting at your desk?

Isn’t that what I just said?! Focus people. It’s not that hard. Just strip down to your drawers right there at your desk and start flailing your arms around with the Springflex UB or your boss will fire you for having flabby pecs. In this economy, can you afford to have man-boobs?

* Being topless may or may not be considered “business casual.” Consult with your Human Resources department for more details. They may have a pamphlet.

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.