SkyMall Monday: Toothpaste Tablets

The restrictions that the TSA places on liquids in our carry-on luggage are frustrating for everyone. How are we supposed to pack all of our lotions, creams, ointments, salves, balms, rinses and sprays in a single one-quart baggie (without getting sneaky)? Looking good isn’t easy and requires tremendous amounts of upkeep. This is particularly true when it comes to oral hygiene. Packing handfuls of travel-sized tubes of toothpaste is inconvenient and wasteful. Extracting every last drop of paste from the tubes is a fruitless endeavor (we use a vise here at SkyMall Monday HQ). You’d think that, in 2012, we’d have come up with a better way to clean our teeth. Well, the future is now, thanks to the geniuses at SkyMall (and their friends at Archtek). Stop squeezing your toothpaste when you can just pop it…with a Toothpaste Tablet!For years, we’ve longed for the day when our lives would truly be simplified by science. We were teased with glimpses of a magical future in which our meals are ingested in pill form or through chewing gum. Finally, the time has come for toothpaste technology to lead us to a higher state of being. No more tubes filled with silly looking gels. Like all of our problems before, the solution resides in a pillbox.

Think that you can’t have toothpaste without the paste? Believe that we’re becoming a pill-popping society? Well, while you use your pickle-flavored floss, we’ll be reading the product description:

These great tasting, chewable Toothpaste Tablets aren’t liquid or paste, so they can be carried on planes in your 3-1-1-kit. Lightweight, compact and convenient, just chew one tablet, brush, and rinse for the same benefits as traditional toothpaste.

You know what else can be carried in your 3-1-1- kit? Liquids and pastes. But those aren’t very futuristic, so what’s the fun in that? It’s about time someone dried out toothpaste into a tablet and allowed us to rehydrate it in our mouths so that we can perform a task that was never that much of a challenge previously. It’s like Dippin’ Dots for oral hygiene. And look how well things worked out for the “ice cream of the future.”

So the next time you’re taking your hoverboard on a long trip, leave the tubes at home. Just pack your Toothpaste Tablets and your future’s teeth will be so bright, you’ll have to wear shades.

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.

SkyMall Monday: Super-Sized David Statue

I don’t profess to “get” art. Show me cherubs and I just see a bunch of babies that could use some diapers. A painting of a horse? I’m going to assume that the artist really admired those equine thighs because I do not see any deeper meaning to that portrait. Here at SkyMall Monday, we have one piece of art, and it’s simple enough for me to understand (Calvin, on the other hand, is a member of the family and not an object). So, when I see Michelangelo’s David, I just see a dude with great abs who likes to hang around the locker room naked. Man, don’t you hate that guy? Put a towel on, buddy! Not only that, the statue hardly seems realistic in 2012. Who has time to develop great abs other than half-baked reality TV stars? We need art that reflects the people of today (or at least the People of Walmart). Thankfully, SkyMall is here to help us stay sophisticated with an update of Michelangelo’s classic work. Feast your eyes on the Super-sized David Statue.This modern sculpture looks like someone you might actually know. Maybe it resembles a co-worker or perhaps even your husband. Modern David is a man of the people. He enjoys macaroni and cheese inside of his patty melts. He’s just like us…except with an intense hatred of pants.

Think that David was a masterpiece that needn’t be updated? Believe that gluttony should not be celebrated? Well, while you paint by numbers, we’ll be reading the product description:

Classic art is busting out at the seams! If Michelangelo’s famous David was resculpted today by someone who’d recently been to a fast food joint, he just might have conjured up this super-sized fellow!

Hand-cast in quality designer resin, complete with modesty fig leaf for display in home or garden…

If only ancient Rome was blessed with a few more Friendly’s locations, the original David might not have needed to be plumped up for modern times. Thankfully, the “modesty fig leaf” allows you to display this statue inside or outside without offending guests or neighbors. However, we kind of think that his junk should have been covered by a greasy Taco Bell wrapper.

You don’t need to be an art history major to understand this modern man. Finally, art that doesn’t make us feel dumb or inadequate. It just makes us feel thinner when we stand next to it.

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.

SkyMall Monday: Giddyup! Core Exerciser

The best pieces of exercise equipment incorporate a healthy dose of sexual innuendo. It keeps the user motivated and makes for great people watching at the gym. I mean, isn’t that basically the whole idea behind the Shake Weight? Here at SkyMall Monday headquarters, we try to keep our exercise low impact, but we always keep an eye out for new and erotic ways to stay fit. Thankfully, SkyMall has introduced us to a fantastic piece of equipment that will keep our muscles ripped and our loins burning. Why just lift weights or do situps when you can writhe around rhythmically while riding the Giddyup! Core Exerciser?We all want rock hard abs and something firm between our legs. Sadly, neither one of those comes easily. But, thanks to the Giddyup! Core Exerciser, you can have your cake and ride it, too.

Think that exercise equipment should be chaste? Believe that mechanical bulls only belong inside sawdust-covered bars? Well, while you mall walk with arm weights, we’ll be reading the product description:

Get all the strength-building benefits of horseback riding without leaving your home. Giddyup! Core Exerciser simulates the motions of horseback riding, causing muscles to involuntarily contract and relax as you balance and stay upright.

You don’t see very many fat cowboys (or adult film stars), right? That’s because horseback riding (and frequent fornication for the entertainment of others) work your core and keep you slim.

How does it work? Thankfully, the Giddyup! Core Exercise comes with an instructional video. So, hold on to either the front or rear straps and take a ride. Fitness is just a gyration (and a series of double entendres scored to a strong bass riff) away!

Was it good for you?

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.

SkyMall Monday: Sonic Boom Sweetheart Clock

Boxes of chocolates. Pillows. Even pepperoni pizzas. On Valentine’s Day, you’ll see anything and everything shaped like a heart. However, you can’t start your cavalcade of hearts on Valentine’s Day until you wake up. For many people, though, that’s the hardest part of their day. Here at SkyMall Monday headquarters, we don’t always attack the day. No matter how much you love the person next to you or the activities you have planned for this romantic holiday, the soft embrace of your bed can be even more enticing. So, how do you pry yourself out of bed and get started on the parade of hearts? Well, you let SkyMall wake you up. Or, more accurately, you let the Sonic Boom Sweetheart Clock – and its vibrating bed shaker – give you a heart attack.Most alarms play an annoying sound or the radio. The Sonic Boom Sweetheart Clock bombards your ears with a 113db tone. That’s louder than a motorcycle, power saw and a subway train. Surely, that would wake up even the sleepiest romantic. But, the Sonic Boom Sweetheart Clock ups the ante with a bed shaker. What’s a bed shaker? Just a small disc that you place underneath your pillow to vibrate you awake. It’s a perfectly natural way to start your day.

Think that a simple alarm clock will wake you up? Believe that a bed shaker is a misnomer when it’s only shaking your pillow? Well, while you plan your Valentine’s Day breakfast in bed, we’ll be reading the product description:

With a vibrating bed shaker and an adjustable volume audio alarm tone, this alarm will ensure that you wake up when you want to.

The Sonic Boom Sweetheart Alarm with Vibrating Bed Shaker has been designed especially for ladies; with its multi-colored display and heart shape. Waking up in the morning will never be the same.

Sonic Boom Sweetheart Alarm with Vibrating Bed Shaker features:

  • Comes with the newest most powerful 12-volt bed shaker
  • Complete with a hi/low dimmer switch to sleep better at night
  • Extra loud pulsating audio alarm with a loud 113db adjustable tone & volume control
  • Battery backup to maintain the proper time in the event of a power outage
  • One 9-volt battery is required for battery backup (not included)
  • A switch allows user to select 12/24-hour time

Finally, an eardrum-shattering, pillow-shaking alarm clock that has been designed solely with the needs of women in mind. It’s about time we disbanded the old boys’ club of loud, vibrating clocks. If you’re using the older, less powerful bed shakers, it’s time to upgrade.

Also, 9-volt batteries still exist? Isn’t that amazing?

So, start your Valentine’s Day with loud noises and a shaking bed. After all, it’s a day for showing off your love.

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.

SkyMall Monday: Undead Elvis & Marilyn

How we remember our heroes usually depends on when we idolized them. The images that move us the most get etched into our brains. As a kid, I wanted to be Indiana Jones. In my mind, Harrison Ford will always been that whip-toting adventurer (though not the one with the sagging man-boobs in the most recent Indy film that I refuse to acknowledge). He’ll always have a place on the Wall of Honor in the SkyMall Monday headquarters (next to a jar of Nutella). But what really becomes of our icons? Well, they die. They all die. That’s the circle of life (it’s a tad darker than hakuna matata). And, while we remember our heroes deaths, we never commemorate how they would look if they continued to entertain us after their demise…until now, thanks to SkyMall and the Undead Icons Statues.Few other American cultural icons are as wildly celebrated and treasured as Elvis Presley and Marilyn Monroe. While Marilyn is typically remembered as a buxom beauty, she had her demons and died tragically. As for Elvis, those who loved him in his early days of fame think of him as a dynamic sex panther, while others who enjoyed his later work recall him as a crooning sex hippopotamus. However, he died in the bathroom, unable to escape the icy grip of peanut butter, banana and bacon sandwiches. But, what if these two great artists could still entertain us despite their vices having taken them far too soon? Well, that would be pretty creepy amazing.

Think that we should remember our heroes respectfully? Believe that skeletons lack the anatomy to perform for our enjoyment? Well, while you watch this creepy video for ‘Them Dry Bones,’ we’ll be reading the product description:

Artist Liam Manchester has taken artistic liberties with these tongue-in-skull images to create unique skeleton icons that live on in infamy!

Blonde Bombshell poses with her windblown dress atop candy apple red lips while a record spins the number one, chart-busting tunes of the Rock n Roll King.

The lesson here: licensing issues are expensive and complicated.

We never to think of our heroes as fragile, as though they were just some kind of candle in the wind. We cling to them. Idolize them. But, they can never come back. It would just be too scary if they did.

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.