SkyMall Monday: Head Spa Massager

by Mike Barish on

SkyMall Monday understands that we all have stress. Between our jobs, families and monkey attacks, the world can be an overwhelming place. You need to find ways to relieve the tension that life creates before it puts your health at risk. Sure, you could turn to alcohol or drugs, but that’s expensive. You could call a hooker, but that’s probably expensive, too (and if you keep it cheap, it’s probably going to cause more stress for you later when the itching and burning kick in). So what should you do? Well, that’s simple. You should strap fifty dollars worth of plastic and imported electronics to your head. You should buy the Head Spa Massager.

Now you can continue to go about your business at the office, around the house and at the sci-fi convention with your hands free and your tension alleviated. Are you a person treating his stress, a savvy SkyMall shopper or a galactic warrior from the planet Florgon? If you’re wearing the Head Spa Massager, you’ll look like all three but you won’t care because you’ll feel your tension subsiding with each electronic pulse that courses directly into your skull.

I could praise this outstanding example of design all day but I don’t get paid by the word. So, I’ll let the true poets of our generation, the writers at SkyMall, do it best with their product description:

This patented Italian design incorporates Japanese engineering and utilizes acupressure to relax and soothe your problems away. It’s like thousands of tiny fingers simultaneously massaging your scalp. Simply place our Head Spa Massager on your head and feel the tension miraculously leave your body.

Japanese engineering and Italian design? It’s like the United Nations is massaging your scalp! If a robot was walking the fashion runways of Milan, this is what it would look like! You could be that couture robot! And you’ll be free from all that stress and tension!

So, forget bubble baths, glasses of wine and high-class call girls. Just strap the Head Spa Massager on your dome and let the miracles happen.

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.

SkyMall Monday: Electric Travel Blanket

by Mike Barish on

Here at SkyMall Monday, we realize that SkyMall’s popularity is based on our desire to let technology solve all of our problems. Hungry? Cook a hot dog. Hit your child? Stop the bleeding. But what about when you’re in the car with your spouse and the air conditioning has made you uncomfortably cold? Sure, you could politely ask him to adjust the settings to warm you up but that would require you to select the proper words and tone of voice to convey your feelings in a healthy and respectful way. Why not keep your mouth shut and solve the problem by yourself? Because doesn’t it make much more sense to use the Electric Travel Blanket?

Let’s be honest. Talking is overrated. Your spouse works hard all day. He pays the bills, buys you nice things and drives you places in his temperature controlled vehicle. The last thing he needs is you yapping in his ear about how cold it is in the car. Frankly, if he wants to turn the car into a portable meat locker, that’s his prerogative. Why would he want to adjust the air conditioning settings just to make you comfortable? Geez, you’re so selfish. So solve your own problems by plugging a blanket into the car’s cigarette lighter and warm yourself.

Think I’m being over-dramatic? The good folks who write the SkyMall product descriptions agree with me and they’re geniuses. I mean, they write for SkyMall! Take a look:

For as long as cars have been air-conditioned, drivers and passengers have bickered about the “right” temperature. With this super-soft electric car blanket, the “colder” person can be comfortable, even when the A/C is on full-blast.

Yes, it truly is a story as old as time. And by putting the word “colder” in quotation marks, we understand that what they really meant to say was “whiny.” So quit your bitching about the air conditioning because your man likes his cars cold, not his women. Just save your relationship with the Electric Travel Blanket.

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.

SkyMall Monday: Pop-Up Hot Dog Cooker

by Mike Barish on

Fact: Americans love tube steak. Fact: I am wildly amused by the term “tube steak.” Fact: You’re reading SkyMall Monday. This week we solve the age-old problem that has flummoxed chefs, cooks and food preparers for, well, ages: How do I cook a hot dog? It’s a riddle, wrapped in a mystery, inside an enigma on a toasted bun. Thankfully, our favorite catalog has, once again, come to the rescue. Because now we can finally relax our gag relflexes and enjoy all the tube steaks that we can handle. Now we have the Pop-Up Hot Dog Cooker.

I know what you’re thinking. “But Mike, I can think of several ways to cook a hot dog. Why do I need a device that only serves one purpose and isn’t the least bit necessary or convenient?” Well, sure, I could “think” of ways to do things until I’m blue in the face. But you can’t think a hot dog into my stomach. And as for being convenient, well, that sounds like a made up word. However, I’ll indulge your fantasies and consider these other alleged ways that you could cook a hot dog.

Microwave: Yeah, it’s fast. But if you mistakenly leave your hot dog in there for 20 minutes it will explode. That’s a risk that I’m just not willing to take.
Grill: Nothing says summer like a hot dog with some gorgeous grill marks. But what happens when I want a hot dog in the winter? You expect me to put a jacket on and grill outside? That’s ludicrous.
Boil: Sure, you could boil a hot dog on your stove top. But have you ever drank the leftover hot dog water? It’s terrible! And pouring the used water down the drain just seems so wasteful.
Oven: This seems convenient, but you’re going to need an oven mitt. That’s how they upsell you. Who’s “they?” Shhh, they’re probably listening to us right now.
Campfire: My landlord frowns upon me using this method.

As always, I defer to the sage masters who provide us with the product description:

Operating much like a pop-up toaster, this unique kitchen appliance lets you easily prepare two hot dogs (complete with toasted buns) in minutes. Its 660-watt electronic heating coil has time settings for heating hot dogs and buns to your taste preference. Crumb basket removes for cleaning.

All of the other cooking methods that I listed above allow you to cook a seemingly unlimited number of hot dogs at one time. The Pop-Up Hot Dog Cooker can only handle two hots dogs and buns, so now you don’t have to worry about portion control. It’s taken care of for you. Plus, you’re middle child will finally get the hint that you don’t like him when he sees that there’s just no hot dog for him to eat.

See, as usual, I’m right. You need the Pop-Up Hot Dog Cooker. You need to stop using logic and reason. You need to pass the relish.

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.

SkyMall Monday: Springflex UB

by Mike Barish on

No doubt, many of you check in on SkyMall Monday while you are at the office. You’re taking a break from your hectic workday to learn about the latest innovations coming from our favorite catalog. But consider how much time you’re spending at your desk. You’re tucked into your cubicle and immobile all day. Your spare tire is growing. Your saddlebags are sagging. You’re slowing dying. And if you die, who’s going to read SkyMall Monday? Stop being so selfish! Stop being so lazy! Get healthy with the Springflex UB!

Look, I know how busy you are. You work all day, take care of your family, and at night you chat online with that handsome stranger who lives two states away and promises to leave his wife for you. There’s just no time for exercise. But now you can maximize your time at the office by getting fit right at your desk.

First, go to your office and have a seat. Now, take off your shirt.* Next, remove your pants [note: be sure to wear your bicycle shorts underneath your khakis]. Go ahead and replace your dress shoes with sneakers. Finally, attach your Springflex UB to your desk and feel the burn. See, you’re exercising and working! Assuming, of course, that your job doesn’t involve you having to type at all. Or use your hands in any way, shape or form.

Perplexed? I can’t imagine why. But I’m certain that the product description will clear things up:

Numerous repetitive stress injuries have been linked to sitting in front of a desk all day. Lower metabolism and increased weight gain have also been linked to a sedentary work day. But what if you could get a workout when you are just sitting at your desk?

Isn’t that what I just said?! Focus people. It’s not that hard. Just strip down to your drawers right there at your desk and start flailing your arms around with the Springflex UB or your boss will fire you for having flabby pecs. In this economy, can you afford to have man-boobs?

* Being topless may or may not be considered “business casual.” Consult with your Human Resources department for more details. They may have a pamphlet.

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.

SkyMall Monday: Goldfish in a Bag Soap

by Mike Barish on

SkyMall Monday loves kids. We’ve looked after them when their noses bleed and when they are embarrassed by their baldness. But this week we’re not here to solve their problems or help take any pain away. Today we’re going to discuss something that every kid wants. Something that every kid begs his or her parents for. Something that kids cherish and love more than anything else. That’s right. We’re talkin’ hygiene! We’re talking Goldfish in a Bag Soap!

Oh, did you think I was going to say, “pets?” Yeah, I could see how you might have made that mistake. What, with the picture of the fish and the talk of children cherishing things. But what kids really love is a good glycerin soap. Trust me, I’m a 30-year-old single male with a history of short, self-destructive relationships. I know children.

Kids today have short attention spans. They’ll be bored with regular bar soap. Liquid hand soap? Go back to 1988, grandpa! Is that a loofah? Geez, you might as well just ask the kid to bathe with Brussels sprouts. If you really want to connect with your child, then you need to be on the cutting edge. You need Goldfish in a Bag Soap.

Think I’m crazy? Think soap that looks like a goldfish that you won at a carnival from a rigged game run by a bunch of grifters is bizarre? Then read the product description and begin drafting your apology to me:

This looks just like your little pet-except it’s a bar of soap. The more you shower or bathe, the closer you’ll get to the toy goldfish inside.

You see, people?! It’s not the destination, it’s the journey. With each wash, you’ll inch ever closer to the toy goldfish inside! And what happens when you reach it? What fate does this cleansing gift from SkyMall have in store for us? What did I just tell you about it being about the journey?! Geez, it’s like you don’t even pay attention to me.

So, the next time you come home and your kids come running to ask you if you bought them a gift, tell them to close their eyes, hold out their hands and get ready. Then pour some water on those hands, give them the Goldfish in a Bag Soaps and tell them to scrub hard. Kids are filthy.

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.