Piss in the ocean, not in the pool and other TripAdvisor reader thoughts

by Tom Johansmeyer on

So much of life is governed by “unwritten rules,” but beaches and pools are surprisingly short of convention to cite. Public opinion is all over the map on what matters most – and what can lead to a heated conversation. But, there are still a few hot buttons that irritate the world. According to a recent survey of 3,800 people by TripAdvisor, 69 percent encounter some breach of etiquette, with 13 percent taking the cynical view that everyone breaks these undocumented standards.

The most common violations at the beach and pool are hogging beach chairs, pissing in the water and littering, while the most annoying are loud music, smoking and, yet again, draining into the water … though you can get away with doing this in the ocean if you aren’t too close to anybody. And, in praise of double standards, more respondents believe that women can get away with skimpy beach gear than feel men should wear speedos.

So, what enrages?

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Hogging beach chairs: if you’re “saving” a chair for someone for to use later, 84 percent of TripAdvisor readers think you’re an asshole. According to a TripAdvisor Destination Expert, “My bugbear is when people throw a towel over one of the highly sought-after sun lounges/cabanas, and then go AWOL.”

“Bugbear”? Eh …

Unleashing the stream: 16 percent of survey respondents called this the most annoying breach of pool and beach etiquette, but 53 percent will piss in the ocean if nobody’s around.

Smokers blow: 82 percent want to ban poolside smoking, and 62 percent don’t want you puffing at the beach. Says one of these Destination Experts, “I can’t stand when on a crowded beach day people smoke one foot away from you, and then discard their butts in the sand…I don’t care at all if people choose to smoke as long as it doesn’t affect me or the beauty of the beach!”

Washing off not a big deal: 14 percent of travelers don’t bother to shower before they go into a pool (hell, it has all that chlorine anyway, right?), and 37 percent do so rarely. A substantial 69 percent find it acceptable not to bother cleaning up before swimming.

Stay away: if the beach isn’t crowded, 38 percent of respondents believe you should set up camp at least 20 feet away, and 22 percent think seven feet to 10 feet is acceptable. When the beach is crowded, you should stay at least six feet away. According to one of these TripAdvisor Destination Experts, “I find the perfect spot on the beach, far away from the intrusion of kids, pets, and game players. Then a family of 12 with undisciplined kids sits right next to me! When the beach is empty move over!”

Watch what you wear: 76 percent of respondents don’t think it’s a big deal for women to wear revealing bikinis (no word on whether hotness matters), but only 65 percent say the same for men and speedos. Only 14 percent think speedos are only appropriate in the United States. One of the Destination Experts is irritated by people who “either go topless or wear tiny little dental-floss bikinis on the beach or by the pool.” Again, I say don’t judge until you see the body that’s barely covered.

Want to learn more? Click here.

New York’s Secret Cigar Shops

by Tom Johansmeyer on

When you set foot in Manhattan, you have plenty of cigar choices. Davidoff has two stores in the city – not including De La Concha, which it also owns. There are a handful of Barclay Rex stores, and downtown’s Wall Street Humidor is a must if you have jury duty (it’s closer to courts than it is to Wall Street). Limiting your cigar-smoking to these major retailers, though, is like visiting only the Statue of Liberty, Empire State Building and Times Square. The city has much more to offer.

Dotting Manhattan are small cigar shops that focus on their own brands, often rolled on the premises while you watch. Some carry a few major names supplement their own stock, while others stick strictly to the store brand. Dig into this side of the city’s cigar culture, and you will find some hidden gems.

Taino Cigars, on 9th Ave (between W 38th St and W 39th St), offers a wide selection of house brand cigars – from light and mild to a maduro that blends leaves from several countries and offers a fair degree of complexity. The store itself is decidedly austere. It’s easy to miss from the street, and inside, there are only a couple of chairs in which to sit. But, the cigars are incredibly inexpensive (corona-sized tend to be around $5), and the discounts for bundles of 25 cigars are generous.

Martinez Cigars is another diamond in the rough, on W. 29th St (between 6th Ave and 7th Ave, closer to the latter). Again, the small storefront is easy to pass by, so look carefully. Inside, you’ll see cigar rollers at work, and a small display counter up front offers you a decent selection consisting only of the store’s brand. If you like a fairly full-bodied cigar, go with the Martinez Pasion 750. In general, they tend to cost less than $10 a piece. Taking them for the road is your best bet (smoke them in Madison Square Park, which isn’t far away), as seating is quite limited. This is a destination strictly for cigars (like Taino). Part of the reason for the low prices is the salient lack of overhead.

The small hand-roll shops do stack up well against major middle-of-the-road brands. They are constructed well enough and do offer some interesting flavors. But, they still don’t compare to top-tier cigars like the upper-end Davidoff, Padron and Fuente cigars.

If you’re visiting New York, pick up a bundle from a small, local tobacconist. You’ll have a great conversation piece when you get home.

[Map shows Taino’s exact location]

7 steps for surviving a destination wedding

by Tom Johansmeyer on

It always sounds like it’s going to be fun. Your friend is getting married somewhere exotic and has invited you to come along. What’s not to love? Really, everything. Destination weddings are recipes for disaster. They are even worse when it’s your spouse, boyfriend or girlfriend or family member who has the connection. Quickly, you find yourself surrounded by people who don’t interest you in an environment dominated by group activities.

It seems like there’s no way out. Just accept the fact that you’ll sit through many meals over several days with the same people. You’ll hear the same self-important douche hold forth over the mundane details of his unimportant life. Friends of the bride will jockey for favor in front of you. And, you’ll be somewhere incredibly interesting and unable to enjoy it … unless you follow my advice.

Before I get started, a few notes for anyone inclined to comment on this story:

  • Yes, I am lucky to be married, and no, you wouldn’t want to be married to me
  • I know you wouldn’t tolerate my behavior at your wedding
  • You’d probably kick me out (and I’d be fine with that)

Okay, my destination wedding survival tips are after the jump!
1. Become a smoker
If you aren’t a smoker yet, take up the filthy habit. It’s a great way to disappear for lengths of time that are entirely up to you. Everyone will be disgusted with you, but they probably would be anyway. So, now you have the chance to disappear for a while, and nobody will follow you because they think your habit is vile. It’s perfect! I happen to be a cigar smoker, which is even better. Nobody has any interest in coming near me, and one smoke buys me a minimum of 45 minutes of solitude.

This tactic becomes even more powerful when you combine it with one of the others, particularly bringing a book or being involved in work-related phone calls or e-mailing. These other activities give you something to do when you’re smoking. At the destination wedding I attended in Helsinki, I just called my father. When someone walked by, I put a panicked look on my face to make it look like work. I doubt anybody believed me, but I figured I got points for trying.

2. Don’t be afraid to piss off your spouse/partner
All it takes is one public argument to embarrass your reason for being at this event, and you will have a free pass for the rest of the trip. Why? There is nothing worse than fighting in front of people whose opinions matter to you. But, if you are dragged to the wedding at your partner’s behest, you have nothing to lose. One scuffle, and you can do what you want. You’ll be amazed at what your significant other will endure to avoid a public display of contempt.

You will have an unspoken strain permeating your relationship during the trip. The good news, however, is that you’ll be forgiven when you get home. Things that happen on the road tend to stay there. If you can handle a week of a mild discomfort, everything else is easy.

3. Bring something to read
This really is the apex of antisocial behavior. There is nothing quite like cracking open Mary Roach’s Spook during the wedding ceremony (funny that I can be guilty of this but not feel guilty at all). When you read at a gathering, you’re sending a pretty clear message. Nobody will bother you. They know to stay away.

Okay, since there’s no such thing as a free lunch, I’m going to suggest that you bring Best Sex Writing 2009 to the next destination wedding you’re forced to attend. There are several reasons for you to read this important work of non-fiction. First, there’s nothing like that four-letter word in a three-letter word’s body to offend everyone around you. It’s like cigar smoke on steroids. Next, actually reading the book will show you that there are many important issues regarding sexuality that should be explored. Finally, I have an essay in it. I’d like to have an essay in the 2010 volume (HINT, HINT, Rachel Kramer Bussel!).

4. Remember that you’re indispensable at work
Before I realized the power of the three tools above, I found myself at a rehearsal dinner (#1) without a cigars, (#2) while trying to keep my wife happy and (#3) sans book. Needless to say, this is the last time I let that happen while stuck at this wedding in Finland. So, I had to pretend that I was working on a critical problem for my employer … you know, the folks who “pay the bills.” It’s hard to say “no” to that! As I pecked away at my Blackberry, of course, my colleagues were getting incredibly annoyed. They actually had work to do.

For extra effect, call someone (anyone will do), and engage in some talk that sounds business-related. Then, end it with, “C’mon, man. I’m just trying to get away for a couple of days. Can’t you have [random name] handle it?” Pause, sigh and continue, “Yeah, I know it’s important. I’ll be available if you need me, but only if you need me.” Nobody will believe you (unless you’re a better liar than I am), but at least you’ll know you’ve tried to make an excuse.

Tip: If you’re phone doesn’t ring, answering it isn’t believable. So, pretend you got an e-mail asking you to call someone. Or, e-mail a co-worker and ask that he or she call you.

5. Argue with people, preferably family members of the bride or groom
If you are an awful conversationalist, nobody will want to talk to you. So, try to drive all discussions toward the big three: politics, religion and money. Make sure you are as contrarian as possible. Surrounded by conservatives? You just became a liberal! Bring up the lost promise of the Dukakis campaign. Take a stand, and make your point aggressively. Above all else, know that you are always right, and use that position of intellectual superiority to guide every interaction.

Now, you have to be careful with this one. If you are too pushy and rude, the whole thing will blow up in your face. Being left alone is a lot different from being banned from all activities. So, don’t raise your voice or insult anyone (directly). Just make it clear that you are never going to agree with whoever is stuck talking to you. Be dismissive. That way, you can poke your target without being overtly rude.

6. Avoid the shithead
You’ll always find at least one. At the last wedding I attended, there were several (one in particular was a douche with an internship who believed it mattered). Arguing with this guy (#5) will not cut your way. He’s an asshole, and because of his long ties to some schmuck involved with the wedding, he can get away with it. You can’t. Engaging this presence will only be trouble for you.

Avoid, avoid, avoid.

You’ll know who the asshole is within the first hour of the multi-day destination wedding experience. Avoid him at all costs. Run to the bathroom if you must, just to wait for the coast to clear. If he’s approaching, pull out your Blackberry and pretend you just got an urgent e-mail. Just get away, and stay away.

7. Choose what to skip
Especially for some psychotic brides, everything may be scripted. So, you could wind up staring down several days in a cool place with absolutely no freedom to explore what you want. That’s bullshit. You know it; I know it. Don’t treat the itinerary as mandatory. Feel free to blow off dinners or gatherings in order to go see or do what turns you on.

My first night in Helsinki, I skipped some quasi-bachelor party (I don’t do saunas, and they don’t do strippers) to explore the city’s art galleries. It was the best night of my trip. Sure, I got some grief for not being a “team player,” but I didn’t care. I was actually happy.

Remember, ev
ery day is a struggle to preserve your sanity.

Don’t step off the plane planning to enjoy yourself. That’s not why you’re attending the destination wedding. Instead, develop little tactics for extracting what pleasure you can from the experience without damaging any relationships irreparably.

You won’t be happy, and you aren’t going to make anybody happy. Don’t try: just get by.

[Photos from Migrant Blogger]

Smoking hurts on Saudi airline

by Tom Johansmeyer on

For a smoker, nothing is more miserable than staring down a long flight without being able to light up. As if air travel isn’t enough of a chore, various regulations and health nuts have taken away our preferred coping mechanism. A Sudanese man fought back … and paid dearly.

According to the Daily Mail, the passenger lit a cigarette on a Saudi Arabian Airlines flight from Qurayyat to Jeddah. The cabin crew repeatedly asked that he put out the coffin nail, and he refused. So, when the plane touched down, he was arrested.

Saying sorry wasn’t enough.

Though he apologized in court and presented evidence that he was in a smoking cessation program, the perp was sentenced to 30 lashes. Hey, the judge wanted to prove a point. And, it could have been worse. Last April, another in-flight smoker was sentenced to 50.

Not only does smoking kill … it hurts like hell.

Though many human rights organizations condemn this form of punishment, it is quite common for a number of offenses, from adultery to being alone with a non-relative of the opposite sex. Some crimes can lead to thousands of lashes, but they are meted out in batches of 50 over a period of months.

What gets you 1,000 lashes? I don’t know, but I suspect a post-coital cig after joining the mile-high club would put you in the running.

[Via Daily Mail]

What strange things have been found on planes?


Europe struggles to stub out smoking

by Jeremy Kressmann on

All across Europe, increasingly health-conscious governments have been banning smoking in public places like hospitals, train stations, bars and restaurants. Austria, one of the few remaining countries in Western Europe to not yet institute a ban, will be tightening their anti-smoking rules beginning in 2009.

The halcyon days of carefree European smoking look to be a thing of the past, right? Apparently not. As the Wall Street Journal reports today, European businesses and citizens are fighting back against the bans, lobbying desperately to hold on to their precious fire sticks.

Instead of creating across-the-board smoking bans as originally hoped, countries like France, Italy and Germany have allowed a variety of exceptions to the new rules. Federal lawsuits in Germany have allowed many restaurants to stay cig-friendly, while in Italy the Health Ministry reports there are nearly as many smokers now as when the country-wide bans went into place in 2005. It’s hard to blame them when the Italian model of sanctity himself, Pope Benedict XVI, has been known to light up on occasion.

So what’s really going on here? Is it that smoking is truly an inextricable component of European identity, as iconic as that Parisian cafe and a cup of coffee? Or is this something more political, a fight for personal rights in the face of governments that want to penalize us for our indulgences? Whatever the outcome, expect European rules surrounding public smoking to be clouded in a choking haze of indecision for the foreseeable future.