Ten things you should NEVER do on a layover

by Annie Scott on


Until you can afford that private jet you’ve had your eye on, layovers are a necessary evil. Everyone copes in different ways with the prison-like feel of the airport between flights, and some people get creative about how to pass the time. Letter writing is good, working is good (sometimes, see #9) and of course, shopping is the closest to normal life layovers can get. Beware your own mind, though; your state of incarceration can lead you astray and make you forget the basics of not leaving your luggage unattended or any of the ten no-nos below.

Ten things you should NEVER do on a layover:

1. Drugs.

So you’ve got a few hours in Amsterdam. You can’t buy drugs and then get on the plane with them, so if you want to partake in the freedoms of the city, you’ll have to just go out, buy whatever you can, take it, and go back to the airport. This is about as good an idea as beating your face with a hammer on your 15 minute break during the SATs. Not only do airlines not have to board you if you are under the influence, but drugs are dangerous — even if you think you know what you’re doing, you might not know what you’re doing in Amsterdam, and you could have all kinds of bad reactions, including confusion — which would pretty much ensure you’d miss your connection.

2. Have a drink too many.

Like I said, they don’t have to board you if you’re under the influence. But furthermore, excessive drinking can lead to the dangerous world of cracking the kind of jokes that get you in trouble with TSA (“It’s not like I have a bomb in there.”), being an obnoxious person to sit next to and naps. Naps are bad.3. Nap.

Whether it’s alcohol, all the Xanax you took, the Ambien someone told you was a good idea or the fact that you’re just plain tired, going to sleep on a layover is a bad, bad idea. Bad! Think of sleep like fire and don’t play with it. There’s a one in three chance that you’ll sleep through an important announcement and/or the boarding of your flight (I just made that up).

4. Eat something you’ll regret.

Do you love ice cream, but know that it makes your insides explode? Don’t eat it. There’s nothing like boarding that next flight and having a gastric emergency during takeoff or meal service. Your seat partner will know you’re the one who stinks, even though it’s loud.

5. Not go to the gate if the flight’s delayed.

Even if your flight is delayed, make a stop at the gate. I once didn’t leave the Delta Sky Club because my computer kept telling me my flight was delayed. Then, suddenly, the online status was updated to “Pulled away from the gate.” I rushed down to the gate in a panic, only to discover that despite its delayed status, my flight boarded on time and was sitting on the tarmac — and no, there was no way I could get on it now. Other people I know have had this happen to them on multiple airlines. Check at the gate.

6. Get currency for the layover.

If you’re going to be in one foreign country for a few hours and then fly to another, don’t get currency. You’ll end up paying that conversion fee twice when you get that money changed for your destination’s currency. What do you really need cash for at the airport? Use a credit card with a low/no foreign transaction fee.

7. Go too crazy at the Duty Free store.

The Duty Free store can be a tempting beast, but be careful. You don’t want to have to lug a bunch of stuff around on your trip, and any liquids you don’t consume will have to be checked on the way back. If shopping on your way to somewhere else, you can have Duty Free hold the items for you to pick up upon your return. Just don’t forget! Furthermore, don’t go too crazy at the Duty Free shop; having over $5,000 in purchases can look sketchy to the customs officials.

8. Buy something that won’t fit in the overhead bin.

Even if that computer or hand-carved statue is available at a great price, you’re going to be sorry when the box doesn’t fit in the overhead bin and they ask you to check it. Get your larger purchases shipped.

9. Take an organized tour.

It’s great to go visit a city on a long layover, but the last thing you want to do is give up control over your time and location. What could go wrong with an hour long tour on a four hour layover? A lot. Go look around on your own, but if you take an organized tour, you’ll be in agony every time one of your co-tourists wants to stop and look in a gift shop or stand in line for a restroom.

10. Conduct business over an unofficial wifi connection or on a public computer.

Technology has created so many ways for us all to get ripped off. People can create an nefarious wifi network for you to use or put a keystroke logger on a public computer to steal every single letter you type — that means passwords, bank numbers and the rest of it. Pay for your wifi connection through a major company if you’re not getting a free one in a lounge or restaurant. If you’re suspicious that your wifi connection isn’t safe, stick to surfing and clicking and stay away from your bank accounts and logging into say, your stock portfolio or your company’s payroll system.

An even more seasoned traveler’s top ten hotel peeves

by Annie Scott on


Some of you may recall the list last week of my top ten hotel peeves. An hour or so after posting it, I got a phone call from my father. “Did you like it?” I asked. “Yes,” he replied, “but I’ve got a bunch more.” He proceeded to regale me with a whole slew of additional hotel annoyances — good ones — I eventually put him on speaker phone to take notes.

Some were the basic peeves you’d expect from a regular business traveler, which he is; not enough hangers, lightbulbs out, thin walls; the kind of things you find even in four and five-star hotels. I chose my favorites from his list and bring you this: an even more seasoned traveler’s top ten hotel peeves. Enjoy.

1. When you can’t reach the phone from the bed.

Whether it’s staggering across the room for your wakeup call, or collapsing on the bed after a long journey and needing to call home, or a call that wakes you in the middle of the night, a phone that you can’t reach from the bed is not convenient.

2. When you can’t take the hangers out of the closet.

Doesn’t this drive you nuts? You have to practically disassemble the hangers to get them out of the closet, and then it’s a whole new can of irritating trying to get them to hang back up. Open formal announcement: Hotels, I’m not going to steal your hangers. I’m indirectly insulted that you think I would. Now, give me real ones to use. Thanks.3. Breakfast place costs $35 for a couple of eggs and there’s no Starbucks (or other alternative) for miles.

If the hotel is nickel-and-diming you for food worse than the airport, it’s a problem.

4. Can’t find the outlet in the bathroom.

Some fancy hotels work so hard to make their outlets “unobtrusive,” they’re virtually impossible to find. The runner up for the peeve in this category is when there’s no counter space in the bathroom. Both have the same result: “How am I supposed to groom myself?”

5. Clock radio that Bill Gates couldn’t figure out.

Dad and I laughed as we realized that the first thing both of us does in a hotel room is unplug the clock radio. I don’t want that thing waking me up at 4:00 AM, blasting a poorly-tuned radio station. I consider myself to be of reasonable intelligence, but some clock radios are downright counterintuitive.

6. Luggage handled by three or four people, all of whom move it about three or four feet and want a tip.

What am I, made of fives?

7. Beautiful hotel, no shower pressure.

You may think your hotel is awesome until you step into the shower to find an ineffectual trickle of water — and there’s nothing you can do about it. Once you’re naked, it’s too late to complain.

8. Windows don’t open and there’s no temperature control.

Either of these things can be annoying, but when they occur together? Chagrin.

9. Tiny TV in an enormous armoire.

Some hotels will boast that they have “state of the art flat screen TVs,” but you’ll get to your room and open the enormous armoire to turn on the game and find a teeny-tiny little television inside. State of the art is great and all, but if you can only afford tiny TVs, forgo the upgrade. Bigger is better.

10. You arrive at your room, exhausted, and they call you on the phone.

The last thing anyone wants is a phone call from reception asking if they’re okay. I also once had this happen after a room service breakfast was delivered to my room. I had to get up from where I was eating and reading the paper to get the phone, and it was the front desk, asking if I enjoyed my breakfast. “I was, until you called and interrupted it,” I should have said. My dad thinks he’s flagged for a phone call at some hotels due to the points systems. The last thing he says after leaving the front desk check-in? “Don’t call me — thanks.”

Ten wondrous things you can get away with at the beach

by Annie Scott on


Going to the beach affords us all kind of freedoms. Just the hot sand and crashing waves can send people into spiritual abandon. That feeling is not solely internally manifested; there are genuine external freedoms we experience at the beach. Not all, but many social rules are gleefully shed when you hit seashore.

If you’re vacationing at a beach resort, many of the following un-rules apply to the pool, as well — but don’t try to get away with them inside the hotel (especially #9).

Here are Ten wondrous things you can get away with at the beach which you can’t get away with almost anywhere else.

1. Wearing nothing but underwear.

Swimming suits are basically underwear. They may be made of a different material, but wearing either to church without a cover-up is frowned upon. Furthermore, at some beaches, women can go topless — and at nude beaches, you don’t have to wear anything at all.

2. Asking strangers to rub you.

At the beach, once you have struck up a conversation, it is perfectly acceptable to ask someone (preferably on a similar tier of attractiveness) to rub sunscreen on your back. You’re not being lewd, you’re just avoiding cancer. As long as you’ve been chatting and they don’t seem weirded out by you, it’s totally cool.3. Letting it all hang out.

Regular beachgoers know that no matter how fat you feel, someone fatter than you is wearing next to nothing nearby. Let it all hang out.

4. Making art out of whatever you see.

The art of the sandcastle is widely appreciated, and it’s totally acceptable to pick up rubbish along the shore to augment your creation. Building a castle out of found objects almost anywhere else is something of a faux pas.

5. Drinking during the day.

Nobody but your mother judges you for a cooler of beer at the beach. Even if it’s only 11:00 AM. Everyone gets on with their own lives, for the most part, and even if they notice, they just assume that this is the day you’ve designated to party.

6. Floating.

When you think about it, the act of floating is rather personal and vulnerable. You don’t lie on your back in front of clients or potential employers. At the beach, no one judges your bouyancy but you.

7. Burying the living.

Only at the beach can you bury your friends, neighbors and spouses the way you’ve wanted to all these years. Put on your best lighthearted face and enjoy the malicious act of trying to make sure they can’t move at all.

8. Eating almost naked.

Yes, you’re wearing attire on par with underwear, but you can totally still walk up to the taco truck — and chow down — publicly. If you are messy and “get a little on you,” just rinse yourself off in the water.

9. Dripping.

And, when you get out of said water, be it salty or fresh, everyone expects you to be drenched. You’ll probably leave a trail of drippage behind you. It’s cool.

10. Sleeping.

There’s your house, a hotel, the airplane, and there’s the beach. There’s pretty much nowhere else you can sleep without risking arrest or at least awakening.

Just remember, anyone who tells you not to do one of these things is jealous.

[Photo credit: Annie Scott]

The 10 Commandments of Airplane Etiquette

by Annie Scott on

Last night, I walked to the top of a tall mountain and God spoke directly to me. I know, right?

There was a blinding flash of light, a bunch of angels started singing, and then His head appeared above the clouds like some kind of celestial puppet show. He politely introduced himself (“Hello, Annie. I’m God.”) and personally handed me two golden tray tables engraved with the following ten commandments.

By the way, everything you read on the internet is true.

The 10 Commandments of Airplane Etiquette

1. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s personal space.

The armrest is a boundary. Consider it a guideline for where you are allowed to be.

2. Thou shalt not interrupt the in-flight movie.
This goes for pilots and flight attendants as well; unless the announcement is of dire importance, like the wings have fallen off the plane, no conversation should be attempted during the in-flight movie, especially if it can’t be paused.

3. Thou shalt not hide thy telecommunications from the flight attendants.
God knows your phone was still on during take-off. And He is upset about it.4. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s overhead compartment.
If people seated in the back of the plane get nervous about finding an open space and use the overhead compartments at the front of the plane, it’s chaos.

5. Thou shalt not attempt any out-of-chair business during the meal service.
If you get up to use the restroom during the meal service, you are a jerkstore. Getting up during the drink service isn’t great either.

6. Thou shalt not raise the armrest.
Under no circumstances should someone raise the armrest, the sole divider between you and a stranger’s hips, without permission.

7. Thou shalt remember thy close proximity to others, and keep it holy.
Though theologians will surely interpret this in many ways, it seems to cover the gamut of bodily-function-related offenses, as well as the putting of thy feet on things and the wearing of strong perfumes or colognes.

8. Thou shalt say please and thank you.
Whether you’re asking for a $10 box of cheese and crackers or asking your neighbor to let you crawl over them to the aisle, politeness is imperative. A routine “thank you” on your way off the plane reportedly goes a long way with St. Peter.

9. Thou shalt be mindful of children.
This commandment seems to work in two ways. Firstly, if you have children, you must take care that they are not kicking the chair in front of them or making other unnecessary nuisances of themselves. Secondly, if you are near a child who is crying or otherwise causing you irritation, you have to be a grownup about it.

10. Thou shalt not demand special attention.
Call buttons are for emergencies, and your neighbor probably doesn’t want to talk to you. Be thee humble on thy azure path.

Ten things you can’t go to the beach without

by Annie Scott on

It’s beach weather at last! Don’t screw it up. There’s nothing like arriving at the beach and realizing you forgot something important — that can ruin your whole day. Here are ten things that must go into your beach bag, or, you know, in the bag of whoever you’re making carry your stuff.

Ten things you can’t go to the beach without

1. Sunscreen.
At the risk of oversimplifying: Duh, you need sunscreen. Also, don’t forget to bring something a little nicer for the sensitive skin on your face, too.

2. Bug spray.
You never know when you’re going to be eaten alive. Oh wait, yes you do — it’s when you spend any length of time outside. Pack bug spray.

3. A pail and shovel.
… or something that can be used as a pail and shovel (coffee cups, butter knives, spoons, mixing bowls, etc.). You’ll be so bummed if you get there and realize you are going to have to make a sandcastle freehand.4. Snacks.
You can pay a lot of money at the beach, or you can pack a picnic and save your cash for ice cream cones and tipping people who offer to take your picture while you’re holding a monkey (true story). I choose the latter.

5. Beverages.
Water, water, water. Also, depending on your level of beach sophistication, you may need a bottle of something a little stronger. If you’re big into water sports, Gatorade or another electrolyte-balancing drink may also be helpful.

6. Music.
Whether it’s your boom box from 1983 that still works (sort of) or your ipod and a pair of earbuds, make sure you have your ideal music selection picked out and ready to play.

7. A book or magazine.
The beach is the one place you can read anything from US Weekly to chick lit and comic books, and no one will judge you. Beach reading is a genre sans snobbery.

8. Sunglasses and hat.
Got a great pair of sunglasses? Don’t forget them! Have you been waiting all winter to use that beach hat you got for Christmas? Don’t forget that, either!

9. Flip flops.
Changing when you get there? Never go in public without heels? Hate driving with naked feet? Don’t forget your flip flops, or some shoes you can wear in the water and rough up.

10. Beach games.
Take a mental inventory of your game closet. Do you have paddleball? Badminton racquets? A soccer ball? A surfboard? Consider what you have and hit a Target or Walgreens on your way if necessary to complete your game set. Beach games are fun and healthy.