Big in Japan: The Weirdest Japanese TV Show You’ll Ever See

While everyone in America is arguing over whether or not Kid Nation is innovative and groundbreaking entertainment or cheap and exploitative thrills, it seems as if the Japanese have once again bested us.

Don’t believe me? I promise you – you’re in for a surprise!

Click on the video above for a little preview of a popular Japanese game show known as Haneru No Tobira, which I believe roughly translates to ‘Human Tetris.’ Although this clip defies mere explanation, the idea is simple.

Contestants stand in front of a moving conveyor belt, which transports life-size blocks with cut-away human shapes. Unless they want to be knocked off the platform into a pool of icy water, contestants have seconds to contort their bodies into the appropriate shape so that they can pass through the block unscathed.

So now that you’ve all seen the video and are no doubt utterly confused, I suppose I should offer some sort of cultural explanation as to why Japanese TV shows seem to be anchored in another reality. Truth be told, and in light of the fact that I have an anthropology degree from a rather prestigious university, I have no freakin’ clue.

Of course, in times of confusion and doubt, I always turn to the great archive of cultural knowledge that is The Simpsons. Weaned on America’s favorite nuclear family since I was but a wee Japanophile, the early seasons of The Simpsons did more for my personal development than any other institution of higher learning.

With that said, do you remember the episode entitled Thirty Minutes Over Tokyo, which was the finale of the 10th season? After besting the Flanders by picking up the mega-saver tickets at the Springfield airport, the Simpsons fly to Tokyo for a Japanese-style family fun vacation.

Interestingly enough, Wikipedia reports that a Japanese dub of this episode never aired in Japan. Although the series was running concurrently in Japan, the TV censors banned the episode because of the scene when Homer throws the Emperor into a pile of mawashi or sumo thongs. In fact, Sanrio also objected to episode because of the depiction of the Hello Kitty factory as a giant smoke stack fueled by truck loads of stray cats.

Anyway, let’s get back to the original question at hand, namely why it is that Japanese TV shows seem to be anchored in another reality.

In the climax of the episode, the Simpsons appear as contestants on a TV game show called The Happy Smile Super Challenge Family Wish Show, hoping to win plane tickets back to Springfield. As serious Simpsons aficionados such as myself quickly recall, the show was hosted by a rude and violence-bent game show host named Wink, who was voiced by George Takei of Star Trek fame.

At the start of the show, Wink offers the Simpsons a quick and simple explanation of why Japanese TV game shows are so cruel: “Your shows reward knowledge. We punish ignorance.”

Ah – so! Hey, it’s not groundbreaking cultural commentary, but it’s the best got!

Anyway, feel free to offer your ideas as after five years of living in Japan, I still have no idea what’s going on when I turn on the TV.

A Canadian In Beijing: Malled

My little dorm room came with a kettle and a cup and a few towels but not much else besides the furniture and some simple bedding. To get through three months, I knew that I’d need a few simple household items. For instance, I didn’t have a bowl or a scrub brush for dishes, nor did I have any dish towels or a good pair of scissors for cutting open packages. I also needed some self-loading pencils for the numerous Chinese characters I’m writing in school, the kinds with built-in erasers for the likewise numerous mistakes that I’ll make writing those very same characters.

Anyway, this is all to say that I needed to go shopping.

The other part of the truth (which may or may not be the bigger part!) is that I had been avoiding doing my laundry and I was completely out of underwear. Rather than hand wash a few pairs to get me through, I decided that I could probably afford to buy a few more pairs. Lazy, I know. I’m such a stereotypic bachelor right now!

With all this in mind, I grabbed my reusable shopping bags and headed to the heart of Wudaokou.

It is really hard to gauge the size and scope of a building’s interior in this city. For instance, the university has a huge canteen. The first time I explored it, I saw a large room and a lot of food being offered, cafeteria-style. The second time I went in, I noticed an upstairs and there I found another large room with separate kiosks of food like at a North American mall. The third time I went in there, I was with fellow students who led me upstairs again but this time we went through a rear door of that same upstairs room. This door looked like a service entrance, so I hadn’t questioned it, but it brought us into a hallway that led to restaurant after restaurant offering various international fare. I was amazed at my terrible sleuthing skills the two times previous.

I feel a little like Alice walking through the looking glass. I have no idea what I’ll find around every corner and I am constantly in awe at the density of sights, smells, sounds and activity here.

So, en route to aforementioned room supplies, I went into the Lotus Center for the second time since arriving. As I was walking around, I suddenly noticed an escalator at the far end of the small, main-floor, shopping complex that I had mistakenly understood to be the entirety of the “Lotus Center.” I went up this escalator and found myself in a giant mall with three levels that offered everything from DVDs to housewares, new shoes to fresh vegetables, cigarettes to shampoo.

Okay then. How did I miss that the first time?

I stood at the top of the first escalator looking around, dumbfounded, and became a bit like a rock in the riverbed of a flowing public. People flowed around and past me as I turned and waited for a relatively quiet moment to photograph the escalator.

Because I have never seen items for sale on an escalator before. The items don’t move but you do. How does that work?

Picture this: you’re the shopper and you think, “hey, maybe I’ll buy that item but I’d like to check out the ingredients first.” Then, after picking it up and realizing that you’d probably be better off without all those unpronounceable contents in your body, you’ve been carried up and away from where it belongs! Stranded at the top or stranded at the bottom with a box of cheap cookies in your hand, what do you do?

Maybe it’s a brilliant idea. Perhaps you’d look at the effort it would take to put it back — You’d have to do the up/down loop in order to be the conscientious shopper who returns an unwanted item to whence it came, after all — and then just throw it in your basket and consider buying it as your penance for being lazy? Go back into the flowing public just to put back a box of cookies? I think not. Besides, at that point in the consideration, you’d likely have talked yourself into wanting them after all! Maybe they’ll be the most delicious thing you’ve ever tasted, you wonder.

Oh how the mind justifies. This is how advertising gets us.

As you can imagine, with these ideas running through my head and so much to take in, I sometimes walk around a bit like I’m in a daze. China makes me move slowly and I get jostled around and bumped into by people left and right — people who are less in a state of wonder and with more of an agenda. This was how it was for me for the remainder of my time in the Lotus Center. My little basket and I wandered wide-eyed through aisle after aisle and my little basket slowly got heavier.

I admit to being tempted by the incredibly low prices of stuff here. I bought my underwear. The women’s version was terrible and came with bows! I ended up buying a four-pack of men’s cotton briefs with some cool designs on them for a whopping 4 kuai (or almost $0.59 a pack — That makes it $0.15 a pair!) Note to self: I am bigger than a men’s medium in China; they’re kinda tight!

And what else did I buy? Well, 96 kuai later and I must admit that I’m not quite sure! I got my school supplies and some letter-writing supplies, some slippers for my cold dorm floor, tea towels, some food products, some water. All in all, it’s easy to say that things are cheap here, but those cheap things eventually cost a lot of money! I know that 80 kuai is only $14 Canadian, but I am aiming to keep this journey within budget and so I found myself scratching my head.

Did I really need the beer shampoo just because it was made of beer?

Maybe I can blame it on the televisions? At the end of every second aisle, a television set with non-stop advertising easily catches a shopper’s gaze. At least, it caught mine! I watched a few ads just for entertainment’s sake, but didn’t buy the products being advertised. Still, perhaps I was subliminally affected into believing that “buying is good” and “shopping is healthy” and “I need more stuff.”

Those discounts are alluring. I couldn’t resist.

At the checkout counter, I dutifully waited my turn and have become quite good at saying “wo bu yao daizi, xie xie,” which means: “I don’t want a plastic bag, thank you.” Everything is put in plastic here unless actively requested otherwise. They look at me strangely but accept my weird “foreign” request without much dispute. Lately, I’ve also starting following up my request with: “shijie you tai duo de daizi.” This means: “The world has too many plastic bags.”

The last time I said that, I actually got a smile.

This is a picture of my checkout line among about twenty others. If only my little camera could capture the panoramic of these views to show the whole scale of such experiences. You’ll just have to take my word for it!

Friday Funny: TV Turnoff Week

It is my guess that you had absolutely
NO IDEA WHATSOEVER that next week is TV Turnoff Week.
Why is it that you don’t know that? Probably because the videos available here at the always controversial, oft-funny
adbusters.org never made it to air. And besides, you’re just too dam caught up
in who’s going to win this season’s Survivor to pay attention to some squealing activist group. But yes, dear readers,
next week IS TV Turn Off week, and we offer as our Friday Funny a couple of entertaining videos that may, or may not,
get you to Kill Your Television.