Coffee: The Disease Fighter

This is exactly the kind of news I need to read on a morning like this. Coffee, it seems, is good for you. I repeat:
coffee is good for you. Is that news not worth a quick prayer? Our Father, who art in Starbucks, we thank you for
the magic elixir of life that kick-starts our day, quickens our wit, enlivens the soul and loosens our morning bowels.

OK, so the crux of the matter is this:
coffee, scientists say, is the
top source of disease-fighting antioxidants in the U.S.

Anti-wha? Yes, you were likely unaware that inside your body there are millions of “free radicals” running about,
causing all sorts of mayhem. Imagine each of your cells being like a microscopic Berkeley campus in the 60s. They
damage cell components, can cause cancer and heart disease, and generally leave the place a mess. One of them recently
spilled bong water on my Golgi Complex. Get a job, asshole!
Anyway, free radicals are bad.

Now what the antioxidants do is neutralize these free radicals. They are the National Guard of the body. And studies
over the years have shown that certain food contain these dutiful soldiers in great numbers, and lo! It turns out
coffee is one of these foods. Halleluiah! Of course, this is not a call to arms to get you to go out and order a triple
venti red-eye. Drinking coffee in excess still causes hyper-tension, high blood pressure and irritability, not to
mention bad breath and gas.

So drink your coffee in moderation, and go to sleep tonight (if you can…if you haven’t had too much coffee) confident
that all is well in the world and that when you awake, a hot steamy cup of health will be there. God willing.