Remember the old schoolyard theory that if all 1.3 billion people in China jumped at the same time, the world would be thrown off its axis when they landed?
I was concerned about this as a child, but now thanks to a recent news report, I’m even more concerned.
According to the Xinhua News Agency, 60 million Chinese are overweight. You know what this means! The accumulated mass of excess corpulence might be enough to finally get the job done.
A last second World Cup victory for China or perhaps a Gold Medal in the upcoming Winter Olympics might be the impetus for the entire country to spontaneously jump up in celebration. The resulting jolt of so many overweight Chinese would not only throw the planet off its axis, but would also push it out of orbit and send it hurtling towards the sun.
The cause of China’s recent world-threatening blubber explosion can be attributed to the recently diagnosed “Little Emperor Syndrome.” The LES, according to scholars, is the phenomenon by which China’s One-Child Policy has created a nation of spoiled children, each one of which is fawned over by six adults (two parents and four grandparents). The result is little Baby Mao spending far too much time at the Beijing Kentucky Fried Chicken as well-intentioned relatives dote over their prized, number-one son, plying him full of finger-lickin’ fast food.
Ack! For want of a deep-fried chicken wing and a child’s love, our poor planet is destined for a fiery death.