The Amazing Race All-Stars, Episode 7 Recap, (Or, I Turned Amazing Race Into A Drinking Game)

Since Justin and I have been so distracted during the previous 6 episodes of the Amazing Race All-Stars when Charla and Mirna speak to people in that weird “can-you-understand-me-now?”-accent, I thought tonight’s special 2-hour episode would be a fine time to have fun. Tonight, I’m turning the Amazing Race into a drinking game: every time Charla or Mirna talk in a funny accent, I’m going to swig my beer. Let’s see how this goes. I hope I make it through the show.

And we’re off! This week, the teams begin in Zanzibar, at the Old Fort. (Keep reading if you don’t mind seeing spoilers…)

Charla and Mirna — who’ve already been forecasted as the winners of the whole she-bang! — kick it off at 4:20 in the morning. [Drink.] No… they don’t speak in that accent, but I treat myself and have a drink. You know, to get the ball rolling.

Teams must head to Warsaw, Poland and find Czapski Palace. Four of the teams scurry to two local travel agencies to get tickets. Charla and Mirna keep leaning over the counter (“I don’t want you to share.” [Drink.]) to try to snake earlier flights, however Dustin and Kandice (“We give you commission.” [Drink.]) manage to get the last seats on the flight (“How is she booked? [Drink.]).

Inexplicably, the other teams wait 7 long hours trying to book tickets. (Maybe I was typing or something, but I don’t have any idea how this could happen: 7 hours to book tickets!? I’d be ready to gouge out my eyeballs.) In any event, when Eric and Danielle arrive at the agency to get their tickets, they learn this horrifying fact and bicker violently about whether they should stay or leave. They choose to leave, hoping to find tickets at another agency. They don’t find tickets, so they head to the airport, where they meet Joe and Bill, the last team to leave the Pit Stop. They all get tickets, with a transfer in Nairobi.

In Nairobi, though, the two teams miss their transfer. Though the foursome argue with the airline staff to let them aboard the plane that’s puling away from the gate, the staff refuses, and both teams are very annoyed. They all go to a hotel and agree to meet in the morning.

Meanwhile, Uchenna and Joyce miss their transfer in Frankfurt.

In Poland, Dustin and Kandice are in first place, but Charla and Mirna (“You like Polish hot dogs? You like Polish sausage?” [Drinkdrink…] Classy, ladies. Classy.) and Danny and Oswald are close behind.

Teams arrive at their first Detour, Perfect Pitch or Perfect Angle. In Perfect Pitch, teams must tune one key on a piano. In Perfect Angle, teams have to locate a mannequin in a store, carry it down the street, and use an X-Ray machine to find a clue inside it. Dustin and Kandice ace Perfect Pitch and learn they need to go to the statue of King Jan III Sobieski Lazienki and then search the grounds for Phil and a mustachioed man who speaks slowly and with a deep accent. They arrive on the mat first.

Charla and Mirna (“Can you tell me how to get to Czapski Palace?” [Drink.]) can’t get any Poles to speak to them. Finally, they get help from a concierge. When they read the clue, they call it “Perfect Angel” [Meh, why not?… Drink.]. During the Detour, Danny and Oswald break two strings, which slows them down, but they still beat Charla and Mirna who can’t do it and leave to do Perfect Angle. They ask locals (“Can you help me find Panoramik?” [Drink.] ), as they hunt out the destination on their clue card. Finally, they get to Panoramik, grab the mannequin, and head to the X-Ray machine.

Oswald and Danny arrive at the mat. Uchenna and Joyce manage to catch their flight, come to Warsaw, do Perfect Pitch, ace it, and arrive third. They can’t believe it, but it’s for real!

Finally, Charla and Mirna (“We take one more X-Ray.” [Drink.] They even speak like that to each other! This IS an amazing race!) find their clue, and head to the mat, arriving in fourth place.

(Meanwhile, Eric and Danielle and and Joe and Bill still haven’t finished the previous leg when Dustin and Kandice begin the next leg of the journey, traveling to Auschwitz-Birkenau.)

Finally arriving in Poland, E&D choose Perfect Pitch, while J&B choose Perfect Angle. This is critical, folks.

(D&O leave on Leg 2.)

Eric breaks a string, but they squeak ahead of J&B. Both teams race to the mat. E&D arrive first. Is this the end for J&B?

***Sorry. I have to take a break. It’s between Episode 1 and 2 now. Anyway, it’s time to grab a new beer…***

No! It’s a non-elimination leg, which means they’re “marked for elimination”: J&B must arrive first, or they’ll incur a 30-minute penalty and could get kicked off the race.

U&J, D&K, and D&O leave on the first bus to Auschwitz. E&D are waiting for the next bus and arguing like kids. “Don’t worry,” Eric says, “We won’t last much longer.” Yikes. Guess this Race isn’t bringing them closer together.

J&B claim that to win the race, they need to out-think E&D. Then, while asking police where the cluebox might be, they stand right next to it. Guys, it’s right behind you. Right there! That not exactly out-think-er-y, guys.

In Auschwitz, the teams arrive at night (very eerie!), learn about the Camp, and light a candle and place it on the train tracks outside the camp. Very sad. Everyone seems to recognize the weight of the place.

Next, teams must travel to Krakow’s beautiful Juliusz Slowacki Theatre. At the Theatre, the teams find an Intersection, which means teams must pair up and work together. U&J and D&O decide to do the Fast Forward — which involves counting the steps in two separate towers, the Town Hall Tower and the tower in St. Mary’s Church. Meanwhile, this forces D&K to wait for the other bus to arrive from Auschwitz, so they can join one of the teams and perform the task.

U&J and D&O answer correctly — 348 steps — and go directly to the next pit stop, Pieskowa Skala Castle. (That was tough to spell, especially with the beer.) They all arri
ve at the mat in First Place, but only one team can win the prize. D&O give it to U&J. That was nice, especially since it’s a trip to the Caribbean.

The remaining teams hit Auschwitz, and then speed to the Theatre (“It’s so foggy…” [Drink.]). When the teams arrive, D&K team up with C&M for the Detour. The Fast Forward is taken, so teams must perform the Detour, Eat It Up or Roll It Up. In Eat It Up, teams must make 8 feet of Kielbasa sausage and then each of the 4 racers must eat 2 feet of it. In Roll It Up, the teams must roll out 20 bagels and deliver them. D&K and C&M choose Eat It Up, which results in all kinds of girlish giggling as they have to squeeze out sausage links that closely resemble you-know-what. Making the sausages is easy, but as they’re eating, the teams get really full. In fact, as she finishes, Dustin pukes. Since Charla can’t seem to finish her plate, she makes herself puke to finish. The foursome composed of E&D and J&B finish — no puking required. I don’t know why nobody chose Roll It Out. Make 20 bagels? Sounds easy.

Teams must now drive to Pieskowa Scala. (“Mr. Taxi Cab, come. Which one is the brake?” [Drink.]) The teams rush around and try find where the Castle is. (“Go. I follow!” [Drink.]) C&M try to ask some cabbies how to get to the Castle, but the cabbies won’t help without money (“Fifty dollars!” [Drink.]) which makes Mirna burst into tears and shriek and cry and shriek and treat the cabbies horribly. (“It is 2 in the morning!!! [Drink.] Note: I just finished my second bottle. C&M are yelling at each other — “Just hold the clue, Charla!” — as I get my next bottle.

At the Castle, there’s a Roadblock, Knight in Armor, during which teams must lead a horse along a path while wearing armor. Team members who participate: Dustin, Charla, Eric, and Bill, and — Wow! Charla just planted her face in the dirt!!! — and — She did it again!!! — but they (C&M) still make it to the mat in fourth place, right behind D&K.

J&B arrive fifth, but since they were marked for elimination, they have to wait 30 minutes. E&D swoop in only one minute later, meaning Joe and Bill are eliminated. It’s always sad to see a team go, but it was time for them: they were having problems keeping up. Nevertheless, a toast! To Joe and Bill!

Personally, I’m happy Dustin and Kandice are in the lead, as I called them as winners early on. I don’t like them simply because they’re beauty queens. I like them for far more substantial reasons than that: Kandice graduated from my high school (9 years after I did).

So how was Amazing Race as a drinking game? In my version, I was forced to drink 15 times. Sometimes, I swigged (swug?) one drink right after the other. At other times, there were long gaps between swigs. In any event, it made it fun. Try it yourself next week!