Today at 9:17AM Eastern Standard time, the city formerly known as Tokyo was forever wiped from the world map.
Although this once prosperous Asian megalopolis has weathered the storm of natural disasters and horrific calamities for generations, the events that transpired earlier today are simply impossible to fully comprehend. However, what we do know at this time is that Tokyo was virtually obliterated following a combined attack by Godzilla, King Koopa and Mother Nature.
Tokyo has a long history of rising from the ashes, having survived earthquakes, firebombing and the ever-present threat of Mothra. However, the diabolic cooperation that led to the demise of this once great capital is simply unprecedented.
According to the few remaining survivors, who have since sought refuge on vast manmade islands constructed entirely of empty Cup o’Noodle Styrofoam packaging, the attack commenced when the pre-dawn sky was lit up by the atomic breath of Godzilla. Moments later, legions of Koopa Troopas surrounded the city under the fascist leadership of Bowser himself.
And then, just as the reality of their impending fate began to take hold in everyone’s minds, Mother Nature unfurled a series of volcanic eruptions, earthquakes and tidal waves.
Tokyoites have long lived in the shadow of danger, and have grown accustomed to fending off the various elements that threaten their very existence. Indeed, Japanese children as young as five know that you should hide under doorways during an earthquake, and that the only way to kill a goomba is to jump on its head or hit it with a fireball. And of course, residents of Tokyo have long sang praises to Dr. Daisuke Serizawa, who’s oxygen destroyer has kept the city safe from Godzilla for decades.
However, residents were simply unable to protect their fair city from the overwhelming forces of destruction that were unleashed in rapid succession. As Godzilla rose once again from the depths of Tokyo Bay, the Japanese Self-Defense Force (JSDF) was dispatched en masse to drive the creature back into the ocean depths. However, this fatal mistake left the perimeter of the city unguarded, an unfortunate reality that was quickly exploited by the King of the Koopas.
In the end however, the final nail in the coffin came when long-dormant Mount Fuji blew its top, covering the city in a vast cloud of sulfurous ash. The resounding explosion triggered a whopping earthquake that measured approximately 9.5 on the Richter scale, and submerged much of the city beneath the crashing waves of the Pacific Ocean.
Reports from the ground are patchy at best, especially since the radioactive clouds emitted by Godzilla have disrupted communication throughout Asia. However, what is known is that the few hundred remaining survivors were clever enough to construct makeshift life rafts out of discarded Cup o’Noodle Styrofoam packaging, and are currently floating southeast towards the Hawaiian Islands.
** From all of us here at Gadling, to all of you out there in Cyberspace, hope you are all having a very wicked April Fool’s Day! **