1. BE A PERV – Get frisked. Several times. That’s right, just keep going back and forth through airport security. When TSA looks at you funny during the pat down, grin mischievously and say, “oh yeah, that feels good.” Make sure to mean it when you say it. If you don’t get frisked, just smile and tell them you think they missed a spot. Use your eyes to show them the spot. You know the one. See how many times you can do it and actually get away with it.
2. FLIRT – Walk around, linger at a gate, and when you find that perfect someone stare intensely. Don’t blink. When they finally catch you staring, walk on over and use the flight delay / cancellation / on time boarding as an ice breaker to get to know the one you’ve been scaring. Go for it! Ask that person out on a date. You can go to the food court for coffee. If you still like each other after coffee, grab a bite for dinner. Take it a step further and try speed dating.
3. EAT – Don’t you know that calories don’t count at the airport? So go ahead and enjoy. No place to sit? Have a picnic on the floor. At the gate. Make sure you’re surrounded by passengers before you sit down. Use nearby luggage as a makeshift table. Be romantic by bringing along a date, perhaps the one you picked up at the gate. (Scroll back up to #2)
4. CALL YOUR MOTHER – Or better yet, call another mother, like my mother. Make sure you’re wearing the blue tooth when telling the mother of your choice what you’re doing, and not doing, and make sure to give details, lots and lots of details. Take it up a notch and explain to her, very loudly, exactly what the passenger sitting next to you is doing. Continue the play by play for as long as possible.
5. READ – Out loud. Help others around you catch up on the latest celebrity gossip. Make sure to let everyone know that Jen is pregnant with twins and that John Mayer is the father. Ask those seated nearby what they have to think, and the let me know whether or not they believe Jen is finally over Brad. While discussing these oh so important details, don’t forget to prop those feet up on your suitcase. Better yet, use another passenger’s suitcase. When you’re done, get out a notebook and make a list of things you think Jen should do, as well as the things she shouldn’t do, and share it with those around you. Don’t forget to fill me in.
6. ANSWER A PAGE – When someone is paged over the airport intercom, drop everything you’re doing, your magazine included, put your hands over your ears and cry out, “I’m hearing voices again!” Another option, “Leave me alone!” “It wasn’t me! I didn’t do it this time!” Or how about just pretending you’re the one who was just paged, every single time someone is paged, and take the call. See if anyone notices.
7. BOTHER THE AGENT. Whenever you see the agent about to make a PA, stand up, walk over to the counter and mimic the agent as he/she makes the announcement. When the announcement is over, make sure to ask “When are we going to leave? Can’t we just get a new airplane?” Don’t forget to use the word ridiculous as often as possible whenever addressing someone wearing blue. In fact, just yell it out whenever you see a uniform passing by. Even when you’re not at the airport.
8. PLAY A GAME – How about, What’s in your bag? Guess what other people pack by pointing at a bag and stating the contents inside the bag out loud. When you’re done, open the bag to see if you were right. Not fun enough? Okay, see if you can steal your neighbors food when they’re not looking. (Take it on your picnic and share it with your date) Bonus points if you can snag a drink, too. After that try having a staring contest with your neighbor, but don’t tell the neighbor, only inform them who won. Next you can practice breathing. Swallowing. Sleeping. Disappearing.
9. WORK OUT. Use the moving sidewalk like a treadmill and the escalator as a stair stepper. Make sure to wear athletic shorts and use your tube socks as a sweatband while listening to your Ipod. Run back and forth through the terminal carrying as many bags as possible and scream out, “I’ll be damned if I pay that fee!”
10. TAKE A RIDE – Stand smack dab in the middle of the moving sidewalk and go for a nice long leisurely ride while taking in the scenery. Never mind all those people anxious to get to their gates standing right behind you. When you get to the end, double back and do it again. Or find a wheelchair and get rolling. Wrap a luggage tag around your arm and ride the baggage claim conveyor belt. Have your travel companion arrive with a luggage cart, pick you up, load you on, and roll you away. Don’t come back. Take the bus next time.
10 1/2. HUG A FLIGHT ATTENDANT. Make sure to announce that it’s hug a flight attendant day and that you’ll be giving out hugs throughout the flight. Why? Because you know the crew has been wearing the same polyester uniform for days, because they’re not getting paid for the delay, because you really do know it’s not their fault, and because they’ve already heard that story, the one about your worst flight, which happened to be your last flight, or was it this flight? You can’t remember, so you’ll just tell it again.