SkyMall Monday: Noseaid

Here at SkyMall Monday, we’re always thinking about the kids. Life is hard for kids. Between bullies, food allergies and cooties, there are a lot of things out there trying to kill you. Well, finally, there’s a product that can help kids with a common problem while also keeping them from being teased on the playground. The next time your child gets a nosebleed, be sure to clamp the discreet and handsome Noseaid on his schnoz.

For years, people have treated children’s nosebleeds with tissues and the application of light pressure. Who has the time for that? And who can remember if you’re supposed to tilt the head forwards or backwards? Not me. And certainly not little Timmy in the photo up there. Why not take all the guesswork and parental attentiveness out of the equation and clamp a glorified clothespin right there on his sensitive face?

Let’s face it it. Kids get a lot of nosebleeds. They’re constantly picking their boogers, getting smacked by older brothers and failing to catch easily thrown pop flies from their weekend visitation fathers. If we stopped to hold a tissue to their faces every single time that happened, we’d be missing a lot of television.

As always, we turn to the official product description for definitive proof that we all must own this fruit that has fallen from the amazing tree:

The new Hands-Free NoseAid was developed and patented by an emergency room physician to provide an easy, painless, and safe method to stop nosebleeds. It has been clinically tested and proven effective in patients from ages 3 to 73!

What’s that you say? Your grandfather is 74 years old? Well, you better say goodbye to grandpa, because there is no stopping his nosebleed. That’s quite the gusher. But hey, I’m sure he lived a full life and would want to die with dignity and not with some odd fetish device clamped to his beak.

I recommend keeping a Noseaid on your child’s nose at all times. Not only will his nose never bleed, but his voice will amuse all of your party guests. And he’ll thank you for giving the bullies at school something else to focus on besides his pathological bed-wetting.

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.