SkyMall Monday: Box of Applause

You may be shocked to learn that I live in the SkyMall Monday HQ alone. There is no Mrs. SkyMall Monday. And, as difficult as this may be for you to believe, I demand a lot of attention. I need constant reassurance. That’s why I rely so heavily on SkyMall to get me through life. Because, while your friends and family may let you down over and over again, SkyMall will always be there to make you feel good about yourself and put the pieces back together when things don’t work out how you had hoped. And this week, I’m focusing on a product that everyone needs to keep them feeling healthy, happy and appreciated. You see, no matter what your boss, mother or life coach says, you’re awesome. How awesome? So awesome that even inanimate objects adore you. Well, at least the Box of Applause does.

The Box of Applause is just that; It’s wooden box that showers you with the sounds of adoration when opened. Just land a big account at work? Open the box! Score a date with the girl at the coffee shop? Open the box! Or, more likely, enhance your spell casting potential in World of Warcraft? Open the box!

Think it’s sad and pathetic to seek encouragement from a wooden box? Man, you are so judgmental! Who are you to devalue the love and respect of pine box with steel hinges. Only the writers of the product description can melt your icy heart:

Open this box and be greeted with the sounds of cheering and clapping from a very enthusiastic crowd. Close your eyes and imagine yourself accepting that Oscar, Grammy, or Nobel Peace Prize.

Yes, there’s nothing more exhilarating than closing your eyes and listening to the pre-recorded sounds of people cheering for whomever chose to open a box. You’ll feel like you’re on top of the world. Or at least on top of your online Alf fan club.

So, rather than continue to self-medicate and blame everything on your mother, why not thank her for letting you live in her basement and then celebrate your 38th straight year of “voluntary celibacy” by opening that box? The box will always love you. Just like me.

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.