SkyMall Monday: Waistband Stretcher

Here at the SkyMall Monday world headquarters, we eat a lot. Moderation is a four-letter word, as far as I’m concerned. How can anyone expect me to eat responsibly with all these zig-zagging brownies and giant cupcakes laying around? So, as you can imagine, I’m not exactly in bikini shape this summer. Which is fine, since I’m a dude, but it also means that I’m not in old-timey bathing suit shape either. Sadly, I’ll have to avoid the beach and stay fully clothed this summer. But what if my clothes don’t fit anymore? I mean, I’ve eaten a lot of those giant cupcakes. I can’t afford a whole new wardrobe. You may be surprised to learn that writing SkyMall Monday is not exactly the most lucrative endeavor. Basically, I get paid with SkyMall gift cards which I use to purchase more giant cupcake pans. So, how can I make my clothes fit without changing my lifestyle and becoming healthy? Well, I could always force my pants to fit with the Waistband Stretcher!

Now, instead of dieting, exercising, sleeping well and abstaining for alcohol, I can just stretch my pants out until they fit around my robust, girthy torso. I can continue to shovel heaping amounts of homemade donuts into my gullet comforted by the knowledge that my pants are always a quick stretch away from allowing blood flow to my lower extremities. My genitalia have never been more excited!

Don’t believe my excited genitalia? Fine, don’t take their word for it. But you have to trust the product description:

When your waistband feels too snug, reach for the Waistband Stretcher. You don’t have to get rid of your favorite jeans, skirts or slacks thanks to this simple waist-band stretching device that lets you add from 1-5 inches (depending on size of garment) to the waist of cotton pants, skirts, and shorts. Just moisten the garment’s waistband, insert the waistband stretcher, extend the garment to the desired size and let dry – voila, a more comfortable fit!

Of course, once the cupcakes and donuts induce the heart attack that I have scheduled for July, I’m certain to lose a few pounds in the hospital. Comas will do that. I’m sure that there’s a reverse setting on the Waistband Stretcher and I’ll get those 1-5 inches back in no time. Voila, waistband shrunk! No? You can’t unstretch a waistband? Well, back to my diet of choice then.