I recently spent some time in the up-and-coming port town of Mahahual, Mexico, and had the opportunity to speak with an assistant cruise director for one of the Big Cruise Lines. Because I am always interested in the ways stupid tourists manifest their stupidity, I asked the man (let’s call him Miguel) if he had any entertaining stories of people doing dumb things on his cruises.
Ten hours later, when Miguel was about halfway done telling me about all the dumb passengers he’d encountered over the years, I decided to write down a couple of my favorites. Here, in no particular order, are three of Miguel’s most memorable “dumb cruise ship passenger” stories:
- A woman came up to the reception desk and told Miguel she had a problem. “I can’t get my coffee cup out of the microwave,” she said. Miguel was understandably puzzled for a moment, then asked her if the hinge on the microwave door looked broken. “No, I don’t think so,” she said. “I’m pulling on the door as hard as I can but it won’t budge.” “Well, I’ll come to your cabin and take a look at it,” Miguel said. As soon as these words left his mouth, Miguel thought to himself: “Wait, these cabins don’t have microwaves.” As he walked with the woman to her cabin Miguel tried to think of what could possibly be going on. When they arrived, it was just as he suspected– the woman had tried to heat up a cup of coffee in the safe.
- An older man walked up to Miguel and asked, “Why don’t they use salt water in the toilets?” To which Miguel replied, “How do you know they don’t?”
- The passengers had just boarded the ship when a middle-aged woman approached Miguel and asked, “Do the workers stay on the ship at night?” Miguel, thinking the woman must be kidding, asked the woman to repeat herself. “Do you stay on the ship overnight during the cruise, or does another boat come and get you, or what?” she asked. Miguel didn’t tell me what he did in response, but I can tell you what I would have done: Repeat the conversation to all those within earshot then assemble a mob and throw the woman overboard. (This is why I do not have a future in the cruise ship industry.)