This week, as promised, I’m featuring the best new product in the Holiday 2009 SkyMall catalog. And it couldn’t come at a better time.
This may shock you, but being America’s leading SkyMall expert doesn’t pay very well. So, I’ve applied for a lot of jobs to supplement my income. My resumé is impressive. I interview well. But at the end of the process, I always get turned down. And my status of a Doctor of SkyMall also doesn’t attract as many woman as you might think. So, I end up asking out random females every chance I get. It’s not that I have trouble meeting women. I can usually entertain them with witty anecdotes and cheap liquor. But when the time comes to have adult relations, they always point and laugh. To be honest with you, I was about to kill myself after all of this rejection. But then I realized that the problem was right there in front of me. Well, more accurately, it was underneath me. My pale feet were making me a social pariah. But how could I possibly remedy such an acute condition? How could I treat a problem as complex and localized as Pale Feet Syndrome Disease Condition (PFSDC)? Depressed and out of socks, I turned to my Primary Care Physician: SkyMall. And what did the good catalog prescribe? You guessed it: The Solafeet Foot Tanner.
For too long, the world’s greatest minds have sought to cure PFSDC. You’ve all seen the rubber anklets being worn to support the cause and participated in the annual Walk Over Hot Coals for PFSDC Research. And finally, all of this hard work and dedication has been rewarded. We’ve won the battle against PFSDC!
The product description may be the most uplifting collection of prose that I will read in my lifetime:
If you always feel like people are gawking at your white feet and the unsightly tan lines around your ankles when you wear sandals or pumps, then you need the Solafeet foot tanner. Those tan lines can be gone in 5 to 10 days with just fifteen minutes a day. Then you can go from the golf course to the clubhouse in confidence. The Solafeet is ideal for flip-flop wearers, tennis players and joggers.
If I had a nickel for every time I had to say, “Excuse me, my eyes are up here,” while a woman gawked at my pale feet, I’d be nickeless. But now, in five to ten days, my tan lines will disappear. That’s only slightly longer than the time it takes for tan lines to naturally disappear. This truly is a marvel of modern science. Finally, I can enjoy my elitist leisure activities with confidence. My friends in the PFSDC chatrooms will be so thrilled.
I’m certain to find gainful employment and a hot girlfriend now that I can wear flip-flops with impunity. It’s a brand new day for me and all my PFSDC brethren. No longer will we have to just not care about tan lines like the rest of the world. No. Now we can spend $230 and look like assholes at our desks while curing our superficial problem. Thank you, SkyMall!
Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.