SkyMall Monday: Underwater Cell Phone System

Here at the SkyMall Monday headquarters, the motto is “Be Prepared…Always” I considered copying the Boy Scouts’ motto verbatim, but I just can’t support any organization that places so much emphasis on neckerchiefs. That said, I like to be ready for any situation, and thankfully the SkyMall catalog anticipates every situation imaginable (and some that only a person on a tremendous amount of hallucinogens could possibly consider). So, while some people are content with put their faith in maps, GPS systems and charts, I require a Plan D. I need to know that, at any time, I can contact my SkyMall Monday support team for assistance. As I often find myself 40 meters underwater and completely lost, I can’t be trying to read a soggy AAA TripTik with outdated notes about speed traps. No, I need real help. Thankfully, SkyMall anticipated this completely common and harrowing situation and responsibly chose to distribute a product that can help me when nothing else can. The next time I’m disoriented below sea level, I’m going to call the Gadling editors and ask for help on my Underwater Cell Phone System.Why would I need to make cell phone calls underwater, you ask? Well, besides my penchant for driving off of bridges, I also happen to do my best thinking while in a wetsuit. And when an idea pops into my head, I feel that it merits a phone call to share the news.

Case in point: Just last year, I was scuba diving and realized that it was time to break up with my girlfriend. I called her immediately and said, “Babe, we’re through. I met a mermaid down here and I think she’s the one.” Now, it turns out that the mermaid was just a manatee with two seductively-placed goiters, but I still think breaking up with someone warrants a phone call.

Don’t think that making phone calls from 40 meters below sea level is necessary? Well, I bet you also think that I don’t need to watch TV while in an elevator. You’re such a Luddite. Well, if you won’t take my word for it, listen to the wizards over at SkyMall:

With the Alpha UWCP, talk with someone 15,000 miles away while diving a tropical reef or in your pool! This complete and sophisticated communication diving system can do it.

It was just last week that I got completely lost and needed help to find my way home. Thankfully, my mother answered the call and told me that I was in the pool and simply needed to get out and walk inside. Now, if I can get lost just trying to find a comfortable place to urinate, you can imagine how desperately I need an Underwater Cell Phone System in my life. It’s anecdotes like this that make the system’s $1,790.00 price tag seem like an absolute peach of a deal.

So, the next time you set off on a road trip, don’t just pack maps and charge your GPS. Lakes, ponds and oceans are lurking everywhere, just waiting to swallow you whole. Only some quick thinking and speed dialing will be able to save you. Be prepared…always.

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.