SkyMall Monday: Transparent Canoe

You wouldn’t suspect that the world’s preeminent authority on all things SkyMall would be an adventure travel enthusiast. You probably assumed that I just sit in the SkyMall Monday headquarters in a lab coat kick-ass sweatshirt looking in the mirror and calling myself the preeminent authority on all things SkyMall. But, I do get out into the world and attack it with more vim and vigor than a 14-year-old girl at a screening of “Twilight.” I’ve raced camels in the Moroccan desert, jumped out of airplanes and eaten at a Waffle House at 3:30am. I’ve risked my life. I like staring death in the eye and waiting to see who blinks first (Hint: It’s me, but only because my contact lenses get dry). In other words, I’m not one to shy away from danger. In fact, I like to see the perils that surround me so that I can flip them off and disparage their mothers as I conquer them with ease. That’s why I’ve always been frustrated by the opaque nature of my adventure vehicles. Planes, cars and boats only have windows. How can I moon danger through a tiny window? Leave it to SkMall to understand this very specific problem. They understand that I must envelop myself in danger. That’s why I am thrilled that I can finally taunt all the risks that await me when I’m on the water in my new Transparent Canoe.Sure, canoes are small vessels and seeing 360-degrees around you involves little more than minimal neck movements. But, if you crane your neck too much while attempting to sleep with danger, you could wind up treating massive spinal cord injuries. Save yourself the anguish and just look down. No, not at your junk, perve. At the menagerie of sea creatures that would love to eat your junk. You can see them all through the hull of your transparent canoe.

Think you can see right through my attempts to sell you on this amazing product? Well, it’s so clever that it’s more than just a transparent canoe. Just take a look at the product description:

This canoe-kayak hybrid has a transparent polymer hull that offers paddlers an underwater vista unavailable in conventional boats.

What makes this canoe a kayak? I assume the kayak part is invisible, so we can’t tell. Isn’t that amazing? If you can’t see how much you need this boat, it’s because its amazingness is also transparent. Did I just blow your mind? Good!

So, the next time you see me out on the water, don’t be surprised when I’m gesturing wildly towards my crotch and yelling, “I don’t care how big you are, sea snake! I own you!” I’m just yelling at the wildlife below my transparent canoe. Because I dominate danger.

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.