SkyMall Monday: Personal Electronic Transporter

For the first time ever, I’m writing SkyMall Monday while onboard a plane. As I type this, I’m approximately 37,000 feet above a spotted layer a clouds providing an obstructed view of various Caribbean islands. Typically, I craft these posts from SkyMall Monday headquarters in New York using the SkyMall website. This week, however, I am thrilled to be getting back to the basics and enjoying the SkyMall catalog in its natural habitat. Perusing SkyMall aboard a plane gives me goosebumps as I carefully devour page after page of inventions birthed by necessity’s slutty sister, laziness. It’s sloth that guides so many of our modern decisions. We microwave meals because cooking is a bothersome chore. We trust Wikipedia and Google to immediately deliver information – no matter how inaccurate – because actual research is tedious. We wear Velcro shoes because laces are complicated. We’re all seeking protection from the ceaseless attack of effort. So, while I’m reclined (yes, I recline my seat) sevent miles above Earth reading the SkyMall catalog, all I can think about is how I can make my life less taxing once I land. I’m crippled by thoughts of trudging through the airport, walking to the grocery store tomorrow to restock my kitchen, hiking to the bathroom to avoid wetting my bed. My feet ache as the journeys play out in my mind. Surely there must be a way to avoid such labor. Then, on page 25 of the Summer 2010 edition of the SkyMall catalog, the end of those death marches presents itself. No longer must I force one leg in front of the other. There but by the grace of laziness goes the Electric Personal Transporter.The Electric Personal Transporter is everything the modern man of leisure needs. It’s electric, so it’s free from the environmental guilt that comes from gasoline-powered vehicles. It’s personal, which relieves the rider from the exhaustion bred by conversation with a co-passenger. Lastly, as a transporter, it does all the moving for you. It’s the most perfect invention since bacon wrapped bacon.

Think that the human body is perfectly designed for an ambulatory lifestyle? Well, ambulances are ambulatory and I don’t want to find myself being transported in the back of one of those. Think about that while you read the product description that I have to actually type out because I can’t copy-and-paste from the paper catalog resting on the tray table next to me:

This is the four-wheeled electric personal vehicle that provides effortless, smooth 12-14 mph transport on paved paths, driveways, or sidewalks for quick, easy errands or leisurely rides through the park.

Unlike the two-wheeled Segway, the Electric Personal Transporter comes with a basket to securely carry your Twinkies, Baconaisse and Double Downs with ease. With the ability to carry riders “up to 350 lbs. for up to 20 miles,” you can even ride to the Pizza Hut that’s just a little farther away but stuffs their crusts fuller than the one closer to your house. Score!

Necessity gets all the credit, but laziness has birthed litters of inventions that have revolutionized the way we live. Life is so hard that even recreation is tough. When relaxation becomes stressful, SkyMall provides the epidural so that laziness can pop out a beautiful baby Electric Personal Transporter.

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.