New PR Push from TSA: Checkpoint Hotties

This winter, you’ll find something new between the super cute kitties and inspiring nature photos that fill the calendar racks at your local bookstore. Sources say the TSA is hard at work on “Checkpoint Hotties: 12 Reasons to Opt Out in 2013,” a calendar featuring their most attractive screeners.

There’s no gender discrimination here. Two versions of the calendar will be released, one featuring men, the other featuring woman. Participants were recruited during a vigorous screening process that included a backscatter image. “We wanted to make sure that those bulges were all original equipment,” said Lorenzo Hermosilla-Schmidt, the stylist for both editions of the calendar.

A TSA PR representative (who asked not to be named) revealed the thinking behind this new project. “We’re constantly accused of invasive procedures at screening checkpoints. Since the TSA has no intention of altering the process, we thought, why not do something fun? Why not make the pat-down something to look forward to?”

The TSA was overwhelmed with internal support for the project. “I was just a part-time office temp in Odessa before I got my checkpoint screening gig at Houston International,” said one pin-up. “Now I’m Mr. November!”

“My night shift schedule is hard on my family,” said Miss July. “I’m also hoping that the additional recognition will earn me a position where every person I meet doesn’t hate me. And a day shift would help.”

Hermosilla-Schmidt says the calendar promises to be racy but not X-rated. The example he was willing to share? Mr. August. He’s wearing boots, a highly abbreviated TSA uniform, and those signature blue latex gloves. Along with the suggestive wink, there’s a caption that says, “I’m just going to use the backs of my hands, okay?”

With that kind of incentive, who wouldn’t want to opt out? The calendar is projected to be in bookstores in November, just in time for pre-Christmas sales.