Galley Gossip: 10 signs there’s a newbie in first class

by Heather Poole on

1. PHONES HOME – As soon as the first class virgin settles into the big, comfy, leather chair, they immediately begin to phone everyone they know during boarding to share exactly where they are, and they do so in a very loud voice as they recline the seat all the way back, giving a detailed description of just how far the seat actually goes. Amazing, isn’t it? Calls are followed by a self portrait which gets sent via text. Hi mom!

2. WON’T GIVE UP THE COAT – Flight attendants working in first class hang coats during boarding. Because the virgin is unfamiliar with airline procedures, they’ll usually wad up the jacket and shove it inside an overhead bin. If a flight attendant offers to hang it in the closet, the virgin always looks a tad bit worried about parting with the item. Don’t be afraid, coats will be returned fifteen minutes prior to landing.

3. STRANGE USE OF HOT TOWELS – Hot towels are distributed in first class before the meal is served. Most passengers use the steamy cloth to wash their hands, while some will use it to clean their eyeglasses or wipe down the tray table, all of which are acceptable uses of a hot towel. The virgin has been known to do things a tad bit differently. I’ve witnessed quite a few passengers giving the old armpits a good rub down. A couple of coworkers have even spotted passengers trying to eat the thing as if it were a spring roll.

4. ORDERS THE BREAD BASKET – Menus are passed out in first class. Inside passengers will find a selection of appetizers, entrees, desserts and wine. Off to the side it mentions that sourdough and multigrain rolls are served alongside the main course. The virgin has been known to order the bread basket as an entree choice.

5. GETS UPSET OVER MEALS – It’s common knowledge amongst frequent fliers the order in which meal preferences are taken in flight and the elite flier chooses their seat accordingly. Because the airplane is catered with the exact number of meals as there are passengers on board, not every passenger in first class will be offered more than one meal choice. Flipping out and using the word “ridiculous” only screams newbie on board!

6. LOOKS DAZED AND CONFUSED – Nothing says first timer more than a passenger who just stares blankly when the flight attendant appears with an armful of table linens. After the flight attendant discretely asks the passenger to pull out the tray table, the confusion kicks in when the first timer starts frantically searching around for it. Check the armrest next time

7. DRINKS NONSTOP: Except for a cup of coffee or a glass of water, the frequent flier can be counted on to stick with their drink of choice throughout the flight. The virgin samples all four wine choices after finishing off the entire bottle of Champagne. For dessert Baileys is poured over ice cream and Kahlua is stirred into coffee. Mmm…smells good. They’ll even ask for a couple of minis to go.

8. BINGES – The first class service is elaborate. There are appetizers and drinks, salads made to order, entrees presented with an assortment of bread, followed by fruit, cheese, gelato, and more. The frequent flier has had enough of the never ending (never changing) service and would rather work than eat. The virgin samples it all. Go ahead, enjoy!

9. CAN’T FIND THE TOILET – The virgin has no idea where the lavatory is, which is why they’re trying to open the closet, or even worse, the cockpit door! Don’t panic, the air marshalls know what they’re doing. Just like flight attendants they’ve seen it all. Otherwise there’d be one less newbie in flight.

10. COLLECTS SOUVENIRS – Those little salt and pepper shakers are kind of cute, aren’t they?

Photos courtesy of Creepyed and Vkiperman

A gloomy travel market for 2010 will follow an ugly 2009

by Tom Johansmeyer on

Everybody seems to want the travel market to recover next year, but it looks like more time will be spent in yards, instead. According to a new USA Today/Gallup poll, only 16 percent of us are going to hit the skies or crash in hotels more than we did in what will go down in history as a dismal 2009. Close to a third said they are going to spend less time in guestrooms and cramped plane seats. The main reason, of course, continues to be the state of the economy.

Slow improvements to the economy, according to some industry analysts, should push demand for tickets and hotel rooms higher – not to mention services related to the convention and meetings business. But, the baseline is set pretty low, with 2009 having been so weak. American Express, the largest travel agency in the world, doesn’t see a recovery coming anytime soon.

The bar has been reset, and it’s low. It will stay low for a while.

The big beast to be tamed in the travel market, doubtless, is business travel. Until the corporations start to send people on the road more liberally, the airlines, hotels and other businesses involved in travel will continue to feel the squeeze.

What’s going to happen by sector? See below.

Airlines: Industry analysts see hints that the market is turning, with demand for seats up year-over-year (by month) since May. United Airlines sees “a very encouraging trend line,” and US Airways notes a steady improvement. But, the latter continues that a decline of 30 percent to 35 percent in corporate spending has been a drag, and November was the first month in which it was up year-over-year. And, November 2008 wasn’t a tough month to beat.

Analysts believe that “even a modest rise in the USA’s gross domestic product,” says USA Today, will kick the airlines back into profitability. Gary Kelly, CEO of Southwest, isn’t that optimistic, telling the newspaper, “Business travel still lags, and I don’t know that I’m comfortable in reporting that we’ve seen any improvement in that market.” He doesn’t expect business travel to bounce back next year.

Hotels: What can I say that Melanie Nayer hasn’t? Not much, really. The past year has been miserable, with PricewaterhouseCoopers reporting occupancy plunging to 55.2 percent this year, from a 2006 peak of 63.3 percent. Next year, it’s expected to tick up only to 55.8 percent.

Room rates fell precipitously in 2009 relative to 2008, causing an average decline of 16.4 percent in the industry’s average revenue per available room-night. PwC expects 2010 to be worse than 2009, conflicting with the Business Travel Monitor report from American Express. But, there’s room for both views. Leisure travelers will have to spend a bit more, but hotels in business-heavy markets will still win some favorable pricing.

Conventions: Look for a slight increase next year – again, relative to a brutal 2009. For the good news about the conventions, you’ll have to wait until 2011 and 2012, says Roger Dow, president of the U.S. Travel Association. Through the end of 2010, approximately 40 percent of corporate and association meeting planners, reports USA Today, are likely to postpone or sink off-site meetings for the next year.

Can flying geese offer cheaper airfare?

by Sean McLachlan on

The way birds migrate has inspired a discovery of how to reduce the amount of jet fuel planes use.

The characteristic V formation that many species take when migrating long distances produces an effect called updraft. The air is pushed down by the bird ahead in formation, making it easier for the bird behind to create enough lift to keep going.

A team at Stanford University led by Professor Ilan Kroo suggests that airplanes do the same. The first jet in the V would essentially clear the way for easier flying for those behind.

This research isn’t new. Back in 1914 the German scientist Carl Wieselsberger first calculated the effects of updraft.

A French team studying pelicans found that flying in formation helped flocks fly 70% further than birds flying alone.

The Stanford team ran a simulation of three passenger jets leaving Los Angeles, Las Vegas, and San Francisco rendezvousing over Utah before continuing on to the East Coast. They found the planes would use 15% less fuel, cutting the airlines’ major expense and carbon output in the process.

So will Ryanair slash rates even more by having their jets fly in formation to cheap holiday destinations, passing the savings to us along with cups full of ice water minus the water? Probably not. All the world’s flight paths would have to be rearranged, costing a huge amount and inevitably leading to some embarrassing near disaster. It is a cool idea, though.

Just a thought–I’d always heard that the V formation was all about dominance in the flock, with the strongest birds being closer to the front. Perhaps the reason the strongest go in front is to make it easier for the weaker ones. Having the leaders prove their strength actually helps the whole flock migrate.

SkyMall Monday Bonus: Is The Travel Slanket TSA Friendly?

by Mike Barish on

How fitting is it that today’s SkyMall Monday featured the Siamese Slanket while the whole travel world is talking about the new TSA regulations? It seems that the TSA wants to make sure that our luggage and devices are safely stowed for the final 60 minutes of the flight so that our hands are completely visible to the flight crew. Even blankets have been outlawed during approach so that no one can discreetly ignite a device or fingerblast his lady friend. But what about the people who are always cold on planes (Read: 90% of humanity)? How will they stay warm in those cold metal tubes as they descend? These are reasonable questions that deserve humorous valid answers.Thankfully, SkyMall Monday is on the case. I am hereby demanding that the TSA answer this vital question: Can we wear the Travel Slanket during landing?

Sure, blankets are no longer permitted during this time, but that’s because the TSA is spooked that you’ll be whittling something explosive out of the view of the flight attendants. But the Travel Slanket keeps your hands exposed. There are no secrets with a Travel Slanket wearer. He wears his heart – and his willingness to follow the rules – on his fleece sleeves.

So, TSA, stop being so ambiguous and aloof and tell us what we all want to know: Is the Travel Slanket the ultimate safety and security compromise? We want answers. We want the truth. We want to fall asleep on our homophobic seatmate.

Sanity prevails: TSA pulls back on some updated security measures

by Grant Martin on

This morning brings another update to the blitzkrieg of TSA security updates — thankfully for the better. You might recall that changes enforced over the weekend required passengers on inbound, international flights to be in their seats with nothing in their laps, one hour prior to landing. No electronics, books or even jackets. All because of the failed terrorist attempt late last week on an inbound flight from Amsterdam to Detroit.

Further mandates required that the inflight entertainment be shut off for the entire flight and that no announcements be made regarding the position or landing of the aircraft.

As many pointed out, however, it’s easy to figure out when an airplane is starting to land, and some worried that the new changes might be a knee-jerk reaction to the threat.

Perhaps as a result, the TSA issued a new revision to their rules this morning. Our inside source in the industry now reports that inflight entertainment has been restored as well as the ability to move about the cabin inside of an hour to landing. Other security measures including enhanced screening at the checkpoint are still in place, so those on domestic flights may still experience some of the shock waves.

We’ll keep you informed as the situation develops.