Got an SSSS on your boarding pass?

Ever wonder why you seem to get patted down all of the time when you’re going through security at the airport? Or why they selected you at all?

The way that the TSA identifies threats is a complex process, but one way they have of adding a layer of security is by using your boarding pass against you. Specifically, the letters “SSSS” written on your pass mean that you need to get secondary screening, that is, a pat down and a quick search and swab through all of your belongings by a TSA officer.

That SSSS can come from a variety of sources – if the TSA agent who checks your ID at the beginning of the security line notices something strange about you or your or itinerary, he or she may write the code on your boarding pass and the agent at the metal detector will see it and pull you aside. The airline might also add the code when your document is being printed, perhaps, for example, if you purchased a high price one way ticket. Alternatively, a mean friend might write it on your pass when you’re not watching just to watch you get shaken down.

So is there any way around it? If the code comes from a programmatic source, there isn’t much you can do besides get to the security checkpoint early, be prepared for the worst and hope that your agent doesn’t look too closely at your pass. If the code shows up mysteriously after you were a jerk to a ticket or TSA agent, well, it might be a good idea to be more polite next time.

Don’t take air travel for granted

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At the rate that humans are creating new and more dynamic technologies, it’s easy to begin to take things for granted. I mean, space shuttle launches used to be front page, stop what you’re doing and find a TV news. Now, most people don’t even know when a trip to the International Space Station takes place. And that assumes that people even know that we have an International Space Station. Where people live. In space. Away from Earth.

Well, comedian Louis CK paid a visit to Late Night with Conan O’Brien and helped us regain the proper perspective. Long one of my favorite comedians, Louis summarized what I have been thinking for a quite some time: Pay attention to how amazing the world is and stop bitching about everything! You can travel the world in a flying tube in a matter of hours. You can leave Sydney at 11:00AM Monday and arrive, more that 20 hours later, in New York at 5:00PM the same Monday! I just did that! It was amazing. And I watched TV in the flying tube while I did it.

So, the next time that you find yourself complaining about a flight delay or a seat that doesn’t recline, watch this video and take a deep breath. The world is an amazing place. You just have to pull your head out of your ass to realize it.

42 million bags mishandled, more than 1 million lost for good

Airlines around the world now have their incompetence measured! The same companies that get irritated when you try to carry on everything you own mishandled (i.e., lost) 42 million pieces of luggage in 2007, according to the Air Transport Users Council (AUC). This is an unbelievable increase from the 2006 level of 34 million and 30 million in 2005. Making matters worse, 1.2 million were “irretrievably lost” in 2007.

Not only are the raw numbers increasing, the rate of stupidity is accelerating. The amount of mishandled luggage grew 13.3 percent from 2005 to 2006. From 2006 to 2007, it sped up to 25.3 percent. Clearly, the airlines are getting better at being worse.

But, why should we dwell on the past when we can fear for the future instead? AUC worries that the number of bags mishandled could reach 70 million a year by 2019, based on forecasts of a 100 percent increase in the number of passengers flying annually over the coming decade.

With all this mayhem, there’s one thing you can count on: not being reimbursed fairly for your lost bags. The AUC says that passengers were not compensated appropriately “on too many occasions” because they did not have receipts for the items inside. Let this be a lesson to you. When you buy that new shirt, put the receipt in your suitcase – likewise for your hat, gloves, shoes and cell phone. This is clearly the only place where you’ll need them.

Oh, wait! Don’t put the receipts in your suitcase! Your suitcase will probably get lost! Stash them in your favorite carry-on instead.

400 strip for Aer Lingus tickets, some of them hotties

Remember that stunt we covered last week … where an anonymous airline was giving away free flights to people who would flash as a flash mob? Well, it was Aer Lingus, and there were only 400 winners. Fortunately, they all seem to be attractive. I’m guessing we didn’t want to see the other 600 anyway.

The strip site, which was kept secret until the last minute, was Jubilee Gardens in London. Thanks to the power of cliché, this St. Patrick’s Day get-together featured shamrocks for the participants to wear. Fortunately, this didn’t stop a few die-hards from going “Full Monty.”

As if anyone cares, the stunt was organized to promote new Aer Lingus routes from Gatwick Airport to Europe, with a tagline of “no hidden extras.” Though, I guess that depends on who was wearing the shamrock.

Earn your exit row seat, prove you can save lives

I look at the exit row as relief. When you’re staring down a short hop from New York to Boston or a long trans-Atlantic haul, that extra space boosts everything from comfort to morale. Once upon a time, luck was enough to land you one of these treasured spaces, but the brutality of the market has made the exit row a spot for the elite, such as frequent fliers who, for some reason, weren’t able to get the upgrade to the big time. Or, they go to passengers willing to shell out a few extra dollars for several hours of privilege.

Of course, this seat comes with an obligation. You have to be ready to assist the cabin crew if all hell breaks loose. This concept used to be academic, but it only took a landing on the Hudson River to remind us just how serious this role can be.

So, could you pull the trigger? Do you have what it takes to perform under pressure?

Passengers are starting to pay more attention to the card in the seat pouch and the additional briefing from the flight attendants. Full disclosure – I was lucky enough to grab an exit row on my trip to Madrid last month, and I read the card twice. I did the same thing on the way home, thanks to the fatality-free crash at London’s City Airport.

But, that’s not enough to tell if I would have the strength and presence of mind to haul a 50 lb. door out of the way.

One extreme view is to put together a mockup of an emergency exit door and encourage people to test their skills before claiming the extra-legroom prize. I say, why stop there? If you can’t navigate an airport like O.J. Simpson, maybe you should take that middle row toward the back of the plane.

For everyone else, I propose “the gauntlet.”It would start with a sprint through the security gate – x-ray machines be damned! You have to get past several TSA workers, but they won’t be working too hard. This is your warm-up. Next, a diving roll past a Sbarro is in order, and you must pick up a slice with sausage and pepperoni along the way … but you can’t eat it until you’ve sprinted by three gates.

This is nothing, though.

After picking up and paying for a USA Today with exact change (don’t forget your receipt!), you’ll face the proposed emergency exit door mockup. Yank the hefty door out of the way, trigger a life raft and fill your life vest … at the same time. Then, show that you can put an oxygen mask on a screaming toddler while sipping (and enjoying) some airline coffee with your left hand.

If you can do all this, perhaps, you deserve your spot on the exit row. But, you still won’t earn the good wishes of the rest of us. Nothing bets having the extra legroom.