Cockpit Chronicles: How to park a 757

by Kent Wien on

So you just bought yourself a 757. Congratulations are certainly in order. But when you approach the gate in Aruba for your well deserved vacation, you find no one to guide you in. They’re all just standing around waiting for you to line up your shiny new ride.

Fortunately you’ve read this blog just in time. Usually when you approach a gate, you’ll have someone from the ground crew who will guide you into the gate with wands and tell you when to stop. But let’s take a look at how to self park at a gate with an automated parking system. The version seen here in Aruba is one of the earliest types used. But this tip will also come in handy in Miami and soon JFK where they’re installing even more advanced versions. These things are popping up all over the country.

As you can see in the pictures below, there is a small box right in front of the airplane with two vertical lights (A). If you’re centered, both lights will be green. Move off to the right and the right light will turn red. So you simply position the airplane until you see two green lights that indicate you’re on the centerline.

To stop, look over to the right at the black board (B). Now just line up the lighted florescent tube (shut off in the photo below, after the jump) with the line that notes the airplane you’re flying.

How to:

Today’s flight was just a one day trip, also known as a ‘turn.’ Leave Boston in the morning for a 4 1/2 flight down to Aruba, sit around for an hour and then fly home. The total flight time is 9 1/2 hours. Any flights over 8 hours in a day requires a relief pilot which allows for each of us to get an hour break on each leg of the flight. We take the breaks back in the first class cabin which usually results in some strange “who’s flying the plane?” looks.

Oh, and for the ‘photo of the trip,’ it’s a sunset shot off the left side of the airplane that we often get while on the way home from the Caribbean. I usually take a nice picture of the captain when this happens, but I was sitting in the left seat at this point in the flight while el Jefe was back resting. So I had to be the one in the picture. Thanks to Dave the co-pilot for snapping this.

For the next trip, I’ll show you how to go to London and back without experiencing any jet lag whatsoever.

How to get your money back from a weather delay

by Jerry Guo on

When a flight is delayed or canceled because of weather, you’re out of luck on basically all fronts (hehe get it?). You won’t be eligible for food vouchers, complimentary hotel rooms, or even a refund of your ticket. Oh what to do.

If you’re really hardcore, you can hire a forensic meteorologist, apparently someone who will dig through weather records and show if the weather was as bad as the airline says it was. This does seem a bit of overkill to me, but if you got screwed on a very expensive flight, it might be worth it.

An easier approach might just be looking up the weather yourself. Here’s one woman’s story (via Consumerist): My last canceled flight was blamed on the weather. I called a friend with the internet, had them look up the weather at my destination and en route (which was fine). I went back to the desk and said, “The weather is fine. You sure there aren’t other problems?” That’s when then he said that it was the weather AND technical problems with the plane. At that, I mentioned the rule, and suggested he try to re-book me, which he did.

So that whole thing with the iPhone and checking the weather might be true after all.

10 tips for smarter flying


Gate Lice: How not to board an airplane

by Grant Martin on

Boarding is always a fun time for me because I get to watch the chaos unfold as a hundred passengers swarm the gate at the same time.

The problem is exacerbated by a group of people that we frequent flyers call Gate Lice.

Gate Lice are a peculiar breed of creature that can blend into a crowd during normal business hours; you may not even know that you’re standing next to Gate Lice in the elevator or that one works across from you in the HR cubicle farm.

But about 45 minutes short of departure, they start to emerge from the darkness, like trolls skulking out from under their guarded bridges. Gate Lice come in a variety of species, but the most common is the blackberrius-trenchcoatius-northamericanus, characterized by an individual wearing a long trench coat and one or multiple blackberries blazing in either hand.

Knowing that boarding typically starts thirty minutes prior to departure, Gate Lice begin their migration towards the gate in earnest, silently staring at their Blackberries and edging towards the gate. Most show up early (see figure 1), leaving only the weakest gate lice to show up at the last minute.

The problem with Gate Lice is that they impede the boarding process. Usually, disabled passengers and those with small children are permitted to board first and if a dozen or so schmucks are standing around the gate it makes it difficult for these people to navigate towards the jetbridge. Furthermore, if the airline has any ordered boarding process, they’re going to be in the way for that, too.

So listen up fellas, try to make some space before the boarding process begins. I know you bought a first class ticket and you have some important action items to get to, but out of respect for your fellow passengers, please take the five minutes to look up, pay attention and play nice so that we can leave on time.

California teen in custody after plane incident

by Justin Glow on

The wire was buzzing this morning with the tale of a Los Angeles teenager who was arrested for plotting to hijack a flight and — I’m not joking here — crash it into a Hannah Montana concert in Lafayette, Louisiana. I swear I’m not making this up.

See for yourself: LA teen in custody after plane incident

The teen was pulled off of Southwest Airlines flight 284 — without incident — on Tuesday night with a bag full of handcuffs, rope and duct tape. How does a kid get through security with a bag of handcuffs? A search of his home back in California revealed a mock cockpit, but authorities are confident “his plan had a low probability of success.”

Update: The FBI is now dismissing reports that the teen planned to crash the plane into a Hannah Montana concert. (Thanks, Melinda!)

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Escaping down an airplane slide: Handy tips

by Jamie Rhein on

Sliding down an airplane slide looks a bit to me like sliding down one of those inflatable slide rides you see at a fair, amusement park or a carnival. Apparently, it’s not the easiest way to depart an airplane, even if it’s a more common occurrence than one thinks. According the this Time.com article, every 11 days in the U.S. people yell, “Whee!” or “Bombs away!” or “@#$%##$!” as they swing onto the inflated rubber for a ride to the ground. I jazzed it up with the dialog, but those are the statistics reported by the National Transportation Safety Board in 2000.

If the accident rate of the carnival rides was the same as an airplane slide, I’d say that ride would be shut down–or maybe kids and adolescents are just better at sliding than adults. When airplanes are tested, escape drills are part of the process. When the Airbus A 380 was tested, 33 out of 873 people got hurt. Only one person actually broke something–an arm. The others got a slide burn. If you’ve ever had someone drag you across a carpet with your skin making contact, you’ll know what that’s like.

To prevent injuries, know what to do in case you have a trip down an inflatable airplane slide in your future. Here are the tips in summary, although, for some reason, I’ve ended up with more numbered points and added some embellishment. For more detailed instructions, read the article.

1. Figure out your escape route when you first sit down. Exactly how many rows are you away from an exit?

2. Read the emergency card, even if you’ve flown five billion times.

3. Leave the luggage behind.

4. Help others get the airplane door open if they are in a panic and fumbling.

5. If you can’t get out one exit, look for another

6. Jump onto the slide, don’t try to sit down. Yell, “Whee!” for extra fun. (I added that just in case jumping makes you nervous. The whee might distract you.)

7. Cross your hands over your chest and put your heels up to avoid “unintentional cartwheels” as Amanda Ripley, the article’s author writes. She says this also helps control the impact when you meet the ground.

8. Women should not fly wearing spiked heels and pantyhose. Pantyhose can melt right on you. Gad!

9. When you reach the ground, hustle out of the way so there’s not some pile up at the bottom and someones foot doesn’t whack you in the head.

10 tips for smarter flying